Naruto Harry Potter drabbles
by insertappropropriatenamehere
Summary: NEVER BEING UPDATED AGAIN. EVER. Crackfic. Random drabbles featuring many incidents and clashes between Naruto characters and Harry Potter characters. Anyways, R&R or I'll set Sephiroth on you. Not in chronological order.
1. Haku and the Second Task

Yep. This is it.

Random NaruHP xover episodes. Completely plotless. Completely perilous.

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Haku and the Second Task

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Harry watched as Haku looked at the water in the lake. Before any of the other champions could do anything, Haku raised his hand and pointed at the lake—and parted the waters like Moses without a staff. Harry shivered as the temperature began dropping and ice began forming. All Harry could do was watch as Haku began walking down the path towards the middle of the lake. In the distance there could be heard screams of angry merpeople.

Dumbledore and almost everyone else watching Haku's performance were stunned and speechless. The magic in the ice was enough to make even Dumbledore feel relatively powerless. Actually, the shinobi weren't surprised, since they had seen Haku do this before. They were enjoying the view, and Sasuke was watching with his Sharingan activated. He could see the pretty lights in the air. [an: yes, Sasuke knows it's chakra. He also knows he can't copy the technique and use it on Itachi because it's a Kekkei Genkai. So he refuses to acknowledge the technique and calls the chakra "pretty lights." In case you're worried, he won't be a prat for too long. All in good time, though.

Snape was worried. When Voldemort rose again, these new young people were going to be troublesome. He would have to tell the Dark Lord about the annoying Hidden Village system which no one had heard about but seemed to be rather extensive and powerful. Maybe they'd even give him a hard time. Vaguely, Snape wondered in the back of his mind if there was a shinobi equivalent to Lord Voldemort.

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Somewhere, in a certain house in a certain village near a certain graveyard on a certain hill, a certain snakelike man talking to a certain snakelike man sneezed.

"Excuse me, Voldemort-sama," Orochimaru said. Since Voldemort was a chibi little gross thing, he couldn't sneeze. "Anyways, back to our plan."

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Haku reached the middle of the lake to find—Zabuza. The nukenin was obviously awake and bored. As Haku used ice to snap the rope holding him free, he noticed the other four people tied there. Being the kind-hearted soul he is, he couldn't leave them to suffer there. However, after Zabuza assured him about the hostage situation and told him they would be fine and that saving them was anti-ninja, the two of them began running vertically up the ice to get back to the surface—it was still pretty dark down there, being so deep. Soon the whole school could see them running across the surface of the lake. By now, several people were comparing them to various Christian saints.

"THEY'RE BACK!" Naruto shouted. Haku only smiled.

"I should release the poor merpeople I froze. Besides, the other champions need to take their turns," Haku mentioned. After all, he's too kind for his own good. He's gonna die and never forgive himself when he hears they were supposed to be doing it all at the same time.

The rest of the shinobi took their chakra back from Haku, who promptly had to swallow a soldier pill to stay awake. It's lucky he had some, then, isn't it, just in case they all ran out of chakra. It's how he came to be a hunter-nin at the delicate age of… somewhere before thirteen.

Turning, Haku released the ice walls and watched as the ice slowly shifted to gently let the water back in before melting. Then both of them made it to the shore where they were greeted by a cheerful, boisterous Naruto and an unconscious Hinata.

Up in the stands, Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore began planning how to stay out of Zabuza's way. No self-respecting nukenin likes being kidnapped by an old, untrained civilian.

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Edited by 2stupid, inspiration for editing by CessoRestito, id. number 359878.


	2. Sasuke and the First Task

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue, don't bother… too troublesome.

Tensa-chan: Yay! I finally get to write a chapter! Yay! Hmmm…. People say I'm like Shikamaru. I say it's too early to see my IQ and… the rest is too troublesome to think of. Isn't that right, 2stupid?

2stupid:…

Tensa-chan: Oh, wait. I forgot, sorry! Gomen, everyone. My alter ego is currently comatose from a lucky raquet hit. Stupid classmate… how troublesome. Now I have to go through life as 2stupid. She's sooo dull. For more info, check my profile. And everyone, if you have questions, REVIEW! That's what it's there for.

2stupid:….

Tensa-chan- I think 2stupid is waking up now!

2stupid: TENSA-CHAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? YOU BAKA! DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO DO IT AGAIN? THE LAST TIME THAT HAPPENED, I NEARLY GOT KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL! tune out

Tensa-chan: how troublesome.

2stupid: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "HOW TROUBLESOME"! YOU SHOULD BE SAYING "SORRY" IN WHATEVER LANGUAGE SPOKEN BY MORE PEOPLE THAN YOU IN THIS UNIVERSE!

Tensa-chan: giggles Oooh, I made 2stupid angry. Must be the comatose period making her unusually angry. Anyways, I saw the ending to Hellsing today. Gotta say that there needs to be a sequel. And that white hair does not suit Alucard…. How troublesome… Oooh, the computer capitalizes for me. Cool!

2stupid: Anyways, on to the story. If you are permanently mentally (or physically, it's happened. My poor sister) scarred, it's her fault. Don't sue, 'cause she'll just bitch about how troublesom it is. Now start reading.

Sasuke and the First Task

Sasuke was currently in a tent with Harry Potter, Cedric Diggory, Fleur Delacour, and Viktor Krum. He was not having a good day. He wished someone else could deal with a rampant fire-breathing, flying, possibly dangerous lizard. But nooo… since Uchihas have that unique association with fire, he had to deal with it. But if it proved to be harder than he thought, it would be another milestone towards gaining strength to defeat Itachi. Sasuke's thoughts were interupted by a fat (for a shinobi) man thrusting a sack under his nose. Annoyed, Sasuke thrust his hand in and felt around for a tough opponent. He finally encountered one covered with sharp, hard, spiky protrusions.

Across the tent, Harry started as he watched Sasuke pull out a Hungarian Horntail with a smirk. Was it his imagination, or was the boy smirking?

Sasuke would have laughed at the rest of the people in the tent, but he had to consider his Uchiha pride, and settled into the dark chuckle and smirk his clan was known for. Bagman nervously tapped him on the shoulder and motioned in an abrupt jerk of his hand to follow him outside. Sasuke looked at him with the typical Uchiha disdain it was proper to show then. The man must have been affected by the killing intent he was releasing.

Harry felt as if the air had suddenly decided to constrict, making it hard to breathe. He suddenly felt as afraid as the prey in the clutches of its predator. Looking around, he saw that everyone, including Bagman, seemed to be affected. Except for the youngest boy. Harry had the sudden suspicion that he was the one causing the tension, before his thoughts paralyzed due to his terror. The boy gave him a look that would have made Malfoy's superior attitude look humble, then left with a distraught Bagman.

Outside, Sasuke went inside the pen where his newest opponent was.

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Chappie end. Evil, aren't I?

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No I'm not, evil, aren't I? The ….. part took forever. It was annoying. Mendokuse. Back to the story.

Sasuke smirked as he saw the dragon. It was smaller than Manda. For a second, he wondered if he should risk summoning the snake king, but decided against it. The snake was a brat at best and an evil god at worst. But there were always the threats Sasuke had used to keep him in line in the past. Sasuke watched the dragon as it warily watched him. He activated his Sharingan and hypnotized it to calm it down. 'Good', he thought. 'Everything's going to plan.'

However, a few minutes after he deactivated his Sharingan, the dragon's innate magic shattered the D-class genjutsu Sasuke had put on it, taking a swipe at the shinobi. Sasuke, slightly shocked, easily dodged, but was more amused when he saw that it was almost out of energy. Sasuke could feel much of what was left aiming along the dragon's jaw, throat, and chest, surmised what it was going to do, and swiftly began handseals to counter it.

Something (Boar? Ox?) … Horse… Tiger…

"Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu!"

The whole of Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, and Durmstrang could only stare as the dragon's fire was cancelled out by an even larger fireball, if that was possible. Of course it was, since Goukakyuu created a fireball that was absolutely ginormous, but they don't know that. Sasuke looked at the dragon again, then decided it wasn't worth either summoning Manda or using Chidori upon. So he began walking towards the dragon, which backed up away from him. When Sasuke decided the dragon had backed away far enough, he ran swiftly towards the egg and had run away with it under his arm before the dragon knew what had happened. He was out of the pen before the dragon could do anything more and walked away as trained wizards began attempting to handle the dangerous beast.

True end to Chapter 2.

Yep. I'm going to do Sasuke meets Rita Skeeter… or even better, Neji or Tayuya meets Skeeter. giggles evilly I love Tayuya's term "fucktards." It's just so cute.


	3. Sasuke and the First Task, the Original

2stupid: Yet another random idea from my head that popped up somewhere.

Tensa-chan: RAWR

2stupid: Start making sense or I'll kick you to Pet Shop of Horrors.

Tensa-chan: No! I love Manda! Not D!

2stupid: Anyway, thanks for the one review I got. By the way, disclaimers are stupid and I won't put them up.

Tensa: giggles I guess we gave them Rita and Sasuke in the end.

2stupid: Shut up. (to readers) Yep. This just go stuck in our head and wouldn't go away so we just posted it. The first part was the original Sasuxdragon fight, though. But I will do a Gaara-Rita one.

Sasuke looked at the dragon. It was so slow, it wasn't even funny. It looked as if it were trying to move through heavy syrup (at least to a shinobi, since they move effing fast). He swiftly ran at it, and grabbed the egg before the dragon knew what he had done. However, it managed to somehow notice that he had taken its egg, and halfway through Bagman's commentary on his swift grab, he had to dodge a swift swipe of its claws. So, for the next half an hour, Sasuke got some practice by dodging the dragon's slow attacks.

And then it breathed fire.

Sasuke got very ((very in italics)) angry. Sasuke began throwing katon after katon at the poor dragon until it took flight. Sasuke simply walked over and began to smash open the eggs, much to everyone's shock, ignoring Bagman's shouts that it was already over and Snape's and Karkaroff's snide remarks about temper. Adding a mental note to get back at them, Sasuke dodged talons as he swiftly activated Chidori and stabbed it behind the head where the spinal cord met the skull. As the corpse fell, everyone stared in shock. Suddenly disappearing in midair and appearing behind Karkaroff and Snape, he quietly said something to them that only they heard.

"I'm not even angry yet. Should I become so, you shall know." Feeling amused at Karkaroff's and Snape's reactions to his comment, which he wouldn't probably back up anyways, Sasuke went for a walk around the lake. Unfortunately, he met a vulptuous blonde, but this time, it was not Ino. She was… WORSE THAN INO, if that was possible.

"Hello, dearie. My name is Rita Skeeter. Could you have a word with me?" she asked. Sasuke wondered why she was even bothering with pretenses when he could see her itching to do some damage to his clan's reputation. Therefore, he ignored her and continued on his way. Bad mistake.

Rita Skeeter chose to follow him, bombarding him with questions. After a couple minutes, when they were almost to the school, Sasuke decided he had enough. He simply ran fast into the Great Hall.

Sadly, she cornered him at breakfast. It wasn't hard. There was an empty ring of seats around him, since people were afraid he'd burn them, by artifice or by accident. Rita quickly skittered into one of them, ignoring common sense which would have told her the seats were empty for a reason. She was lucky however; before she could say anything to annoy him (further) she was pushed out of the way by a lot of shinobi speaking Japanese. Soon after, Sasuke left with them, and before she could say anything, left quickly.

The day after that, Sasuke threw a Katon at Rita. However, she turned into a bug and flew away. A few hours later, he activated his curse seal, but she just squealed and tried to get a close-up look. Two days later, Sasuke used his Sharingan genjutsu and hypnotism to send her away, but she managed to catch the attention of several people and get sent to the hospital wing, returning to molest him a few hours later. Sasuke was starting to run out of ideas.

He suddenly realized what a dunce he was. With a maniacal grin, he pulled out a sheet of paper and began writing.

"Dear Sakura,

I hope you are fine. I am too, except for this blond reporter who keeps molesting me… "

Good, now he need only describe Skeeter and send an identical letter to Ino… This was good!

The day after that, Rita was found mysteriously beat up, the earth around her cracked and splintered. She was talking about "mind control" and "superstrength". For some reason, Ino and Sakura had disappeared from Konohagakure the previous day.

2stupid: Need the first seal for Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu. (Grand Fireball technique) Cookie to whoever gets it.

Tensa-chan: it's an extra-large chewy white chocolate macadamia, too. My faves. Guess it's time to search through volumes 1-32 of manga on my computer. Teeheehee… Catch me if you can!

2stupid: And Tensa-chan is out of the running because I can't give her access to the manga and because I said so.

Tensa-chan: WHAT!


	4. Author's Note

Author's Note:

I will wait to sort the chapters in order. Then I will also beta my chapters again. I am also looking for a beta, since Word Spellchecker is a SOB. Also, read my profile pending updates. Just so you know, the next few chapters will be hectic as I, Tensa-chan, am only good at writing strange chapters. They'll be interesting though, I promise you that. And I won't update till after Monday may 2006. My parents will be home all day and I won't have an excuse to go on the internet...

Your not-so-favorite-author-to-be,

Tensa-chan. (aka 2stupid's alter ego, aka the mentally unstable one, aka evil taskmaster)

2stupid. (I wrote the Note, so take it seriously. Do so and I will update on tuesday. Don't and I won't update till next monday. )


	5. Gaara VS Rita Skeeter

2stupid: I wonder if anyone has ever thought of Tenten's first name as Ten and her last name as Ten. It's possible.

Tensa-chan: shrugs You're not the only one. It's apparently not a popular idea, though. On with the story.

2stupid: However, first, a talk about various stuff people might want to know. First off is that if you have any questions regarding Japanese words, ask. It's easy to review. Second, REVIEW. This fanfic is so short of reviews I won't update until I have 2 or 3. That's how desperate I am. Third, I AM NOT UPDATING UNTIL MY LORD AND MASTER CANTIDO OR THE RED DRAGONS ORDER DOES. And I'm only half joking. Cantido-sama-dono takes forever to update, but The Red Dragons Order updates fast… mutters unintelligibly

Tensa-chan: This is because you can't update fast isn't it, 2stupid.

2stupid: scandalized That was supposed to stay secret!

Tensa-chan: Then dear reader, I will force 2stupid to update if I have to write the chapter myself.

2stupid: mutters god forbid.

Tensa-chan: murmurs Fucktard.

2stupid: Great. Now my alter ego's copying Tayuya. goes and mopes in a corner

Tensa-chan: On with the story.

2stupid: … (translated as "fucktard yourself")

Tensa-chan: Always insists on the last word…

2stupid: … (translated as "how troublesome")

Gaara vs. Rita Skeeter, also known as Why Rita Did Not Find Out About Krum, Harry, and Crouch's Night in the Forest Near Hagrid's House and Maxime's Carriage

Gaara was walking around being his usual "tonight's-full-moon-and-Shukaku's-gonna-be-annoying-so-if-you-catch-my-attention-and-I'll-crush-you-with-sand" mood. So far, 3 Gryffindor, 2 Hufflepuff, 1 Ravenclaw, 8 Slytherin, 2 Durmstrang, and 1 Beauxbatons had ended up in the Hospital Wing where they were receiving attention to their crushed bones and/or internal organs. The Ravenclaw, the easiest case, would be out in a week. The Beauxbatons girl, the most severe case, would (if lucky) would be out in a few months or end up in St. Mungo's if she was unlucky. It seemed as if the Ravenclaw were smart enough to stay out of Gaara's way—or they were lucky, since another poor student, Ravenclaw number two, was the unfortunate victim of Gaara's sand. Luckily, he simply released her and walked on, perhaps due to Temari and Kankuro's sudden appearance at his side.

Gaara blinked as an overly cheery blonde woman appeared. She was swathed in bandages and appeared as if she had had a run-in with Ino and Sakura. Before she could begin talking, Gaara stuffed her into a sand prison and walked her out the front gates, which he then used his sand to close.

Rita was incensed. She would damage Sasuke's reputation no matter what. He had dissed her, and now he would pay. However, little did she know that Gaara was about to unknowingly stop her devious plans. Therefore, she was extremely surprised when she was roughly picked up by sand and deposited outside the gates.

Gaara was gliding around as usual when the newly bugified Rita saw him. She also noticed how the sand swirled around him protectively, so decided she would need to be in human form to attempt anything. She quickly landed and changed back. Then she could see Gaara turning towards her. Sand began swirling around him threateningly.

Gaara felt a chakra disturbance, as if someone was using a henge. He quickly activated his third eye technique and saw a chakra field around a strange bug. The sand began swirling around him, but he got an idea of how to truly punish the poor woman. He went off to get Shino from Konoha.

Shino was training with his teammates in Area 44, aka the Forest of Death, where Shino was finding a lot of scary bugs. Contrary to popular belief, the Aburame clan could only control their kikaichu, those lovely chakra-eating bugs. However, once the kikaichu bit another bug, it opened a pathway in its chakra system for complete mind control. It even worked on those using henge, but only when they were using the bug henge, and before they changed back. But if you could control the henge, you could keep him in the henge until his chakra ran out or until you got to see Morino Ibiki. As Shino made a random turn to drain a gigantic tiger of chakra, sand around him exploded and the bugs he had sent latched onto Gaara's sand instead. After retrieving him, Shino looked at Gaara through his sunglasses.

"What do you want?" The sentence was phrased more of a demand than a question.

After Gaara explained, Shino was more than willing. After all, there was a reason no one used bug henge anymore. So they went to Hogwarts to go Rita-hunting.

Rita was buzzing over the lake when Gaara and Shino came floating along on Gaara's sand. Gaara quickly trapped her with his sand and they went to the forest to finish their evil plan. Shino sent in his bugs to infiltrate Gaara's sand.

Rita was buzzing over a lake for the fun of it—the lake had wonderful updrafts which pushed a bug a long way over the lake—when she saw the sandy redhead kid from before, this time with a mysterious mannequin with sunglasses. Hoping they had not seen her, she tried to buzz off inconspicuously, but sand grabbed her before she could go anywhere.

In the sand, Rita had the sudden sensation of the sand loosening around her, but then noticed a lot of bugs aiming for her. Soon, the intrepid reporter was bitten by a kikaichu. Panicking slightly, she tried changing back, but Shino had managed to thread his chakra through the sand and had taken over her chakra system and nothing happened. Presently, she began feeling weak through magic overuse and staying as a bug too long.

Shino noticed that Rita had fainted of chakra depletion, so he motioned for Gaara to release his sand and released his control, then had Gaara deposit Rita somewhere inconspicuous (he dumped her in her room, which he knew for some reason or other we don't want to think about) before leaving to return to Konoha. It was a pity he couldn't kill civilians here or he'd be breaking the contract… (an: Gaara was supposed to dump her in the Ministry of Magic with an appropriate note, but then I realized he wouldn't know where the Ministry is. Or that it exists.)

A few minutes after Gaara had left the forest because of the impending full moon, two boys named Potter and Krum entered the forest to have a talk. Rita was safely in bed.

Reviewers: Frontier of Darkness

Thanks for the review!

2stupid: There it is. My promised fic. I'm never promising fics unless I've already planned it out. I do know that soon I'm going to be doing the beginning, aka the Mary Sue Incident, which is Part One of the Mary Sue Trilogy which happens in Konoha. This chappie and the last real chappie, no AN, were hard to do because I ran out of ideas in the middle, so to say.


	6. The Mary Sue Incidents, Part 1

2stupid: This idea wouldn't get itself out of my head so I wrote it down. Then my computer froze and lost the entire chapter. Now I can't remember anything. Except for the title. Also, this is when you get to know who's at Hogwarts and who isn't and why peeps are there. Tensa-chan's still not here because she's reading through Naruto chapters 1-306 right now. I think this is the third time? Dunno, but she's in the back of our mind somewhere sifting through all our memories.

Tensa-chan: I got it! It's the—

2stupid: Hush. You don't count. Remember? So don't give it away so we can keep the cookie.

Tensa-chan: furiously (bleep) (bleep), you (bleep)

2stupid: Now, on with the story. I gotta do a Chouji meets Hagrid one someday.

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The Mary Sue Incidents, Part 1

It was a beautiful August day in the Hidden Leaf Village, Konohagakure no Sato. As usual, Naruto and co. (Team Seven) were heading off to Hokage Tower. There, they went up to the fifth floor, where the Hokage's Tower was. They were getting a top-secret C-class mission there. For some reason, why it was both top-secret and C-class was a mystery: those two words should never be used together. Top-secret missions were usually A-class or S-class. When they got there, Tsunade was snoring over her paperwork, with Gai's team, Asuma's team, Kurenai's team, and Sai standing there.

Tsunade woke up before anyone could say anything.

"Hello, everyone. As you know, this is a top-secret C-class mission. To do this, you will be assisting my dear old friend Dumbledore on a guard mission for his large school, where they are hosting a dangerous tournament you people are to help oversee and make sure no one is injured. Over in his world, they call chakra "magic." Also, you are to make sure that no one knows that you are shinobi. They operate on a different plane, so you will be traveling via a portal. We have agreed to allow you to guard the school for a year in exchange for your learning their jutsu. We also expect weekly reports." Here she glanced meaningfully at Shikamaru, who nodded.

"This boy right here is called Sai, and he is going no matter what. Team Seven knows him. Everyone else, introduce yourselves later. Meanwhile, I will lead you to the portal. However, only a few of you will be going. Only seven of you are permitted there. Shikamaru, who is going?" Tsunade motioned for Shikamaru to continue.

"Well, this is troublesome, so I'm not going. Naruto should go, and Sasuke, since they're the strongest and the faster Sasuke kills his sibling the faster he can be more permanently attached to this village. Also, Neji should go, since he is also strong and his Byakugan is useful in seeing through things. Therefore, Hinata should not go, since she is training to become the next clan head, and we already have a Byakugan. Sai is going, since Tsunade wants him too. Tenten should not go, since she's weapon-oriented and everything I've read about them indicates they do not use weapons. Lee shouldn't go, since he can't use his chakra well, Shino shouldn't go, since people tend to be freaked out at bugs, and Kiba shouldn't go, since dogs probably aren't allowed at the school and he and Akamaru are inseparable. Sakura should go because she's a medic nin—"

Tsunade cut him off. "Konoha's experiencing a severe shortage in both kunoichi and medic-nin. I'm afraid none of the kunoichi can go."

Shikamaru continued as if he hadn't been interrupted. "So Ino and Sakura can't go, so Chouji shouldn't, so at least one of the former Rookie Nine should stay together, so Konoha doesn't experience a drop in shinobi. The same goes for our former instructors. Sadly, we're short three people—"

At that point, he was interrupted by a young woman who suddenly appeared.

"Hello, everyone! I am a Mary Sue in training, and I was sent here by the Mary Sue Organization to tell everyone that Naruto must not go, or else the Kyuubi within him will be let loose. (an: by now, everyone knows he's a Jinchuriki) Instead, the Jinchuriki no Ichibi and his siblings will arrive to take up the space. For a special surprise, we have brought back Haku from the Hidden Mist to go with you. And you will not argue in any was shape or form. We already have had them agree with the mission. And from now on, Haku is a shinobi of Hidden Leaf."

After she spoke, four people popped up suddenly. Haku and Naruto immediately recognized each other and rushed over to greet each other. Temari went to Shikamaru to talk and Kankuro was busy repairing his broken puppets. Soon, a magical wind stuffed the poor shinobi chosen to go through the portal down their wormhole. They were met on the other side by Dumbledore, who explained more to them.

As for Naruto, he was so angry he let out Kyuubi at the Mary Sue in training, who promptly ran.

"Help! I'm only a Mary Sue in training! I can't do anything ye—AIEEEEE!" And that was the end of the Mary Sue. But Konoha was in for a deep bit of trouble from the Mary Sue Organization for the death of one of its trainees, never mind that she knew what she was getting into.

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2stupid: Thanks for reviewing,

Tensa-chan: flowers of ice, flowers of ice (again), Frontier of Darkness, and person I did not get whom I accidentally deleted.

2stupid: At least there are no flames yet.


	7. The Sorting Ceremony Year Five

2stupid: God, no one's reviewing.

Tensa-chan: Must be your awful writing.

2stupid: Actually, my chapters were the only parts that were reviewed.

Tensa-chan: snort

2stupid: For all our reader(s), go read Future Hokage by AzureStrike and Over the Hills and Far Away by The Red Dragons Order.

Tensa-chan: And Narutotachi Goes to Hogwarts, Uzumaki Harry, The Girl of the Sound, Naruto: Next Generation, blah blah blah, yahti yahti yahti, etc etc etc… You have bad taste.

2stupid: Oh, and while you're at it, read the book _The Plutonium Files_. It's about the radiation experiments on humans by the United States during the Cold War. It's really good and has some gags if you squint and tilt your head.

Tensa-chan: And then she'll say "And by the way, read _The Last Dragonlord_ by Joanne Bertin, probably at your local library."

2stupid: And by the way, read _The Last Dragonlord_ by Joanne Bertin, probably at your local library.

Tensa-chan: Aha! I was correct!

2stupid: Don't tell me you were doing your idiotic raving again! And during my commercial! Pulls out closed Fuuma Shuriken and starts swinging it like a sword

Tensa-chan: Pulls out senbon and starts throwing them at 2stupid

Kagomegirl1415: Just read while I get these two idiots to the hospital.

Tensa-chan: What are you doing here? It's our fanfic!

Kagomegirl1415: As you mentioned last Anime Club.

2stupid: Wanna join Young Writers' Society? (aka Fanfiction Club)

Tensa-chan: If you ever read our offer, please PM back, preferably before senior year.

The Sorting Ceremony

It was at Hogwarts, the start of the fifth year (an: How did we get here?) and the first years were done sorting. Then Professor McGonagall pulled out a scroll of the sort Harry had seen the ninja people use last year in place of parchment.

"And now we have a couple of transfer students from Konohagakure no Sato who, despite their advanced age, will be joining us here as first years. However, due to special request, their weapons have not been banned, so if you wish to live, I would suggest you do not provoke them in any way, shape, or manner, overtly or covertly. Now, once they appear, let the sorting begin."

At her words, a type of humming which could only be described as the voice of a hundred Hogwarts students babbling at the same time arose. At the Hufflepuff table Hannah Abbot could be heard telling the rest of her house about the strangers. At the Gryffindor table the Golden Trio were speculating on which house each person would end up in.

"Sasuke's definitely going to end up in Slytherin. He's perfect for it," Hermione stated.

"Imagine, Sasuke Uchiha, the Slytherin posterboy," Ron snorted.

"Yeah, anyways, I think Shikamaru will end up in Ravenclaw, since he's so bloody smart, and Gaara-" Harry was cut off before he could say anything more.

"Gaara was from Suna, and McGonagall said that the new students are from Konoha, didn't she?" Hermione interjected.

"Yeah, so…" Harry trailed off, unsure of what to say.

"Well, I think—" Before Hermione could say anything more, she was cut off by the sound of the Great Hall doors opening.

And if I were evil, I'd end it there, but it's somehow too short.

The Great Hall doors slowly grated open, releasing a blast of leaves, in which several blurry forms could be seen. As the wind (and the leaves) subsided, revealing around seventeen to twenty people there. All over the Hall, jaws were dropping, since most people had expected three or four students. However, soon they could see that some people were adults. One, an apparently twenty-something lady with a chest larger than prize watermelons and wearing a rectangular red-and-white hat with a symbol on it (the kanji for fire), came forward to ostensibly introduce the group.

"Hello, Dumbledore-sensei. I am the Godaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato, the Village Hidden in the Tree Leaves. I am also known as Tsunade, the Slug of Konoha, and I am here to supervise the entrance of my students…" As the lady went on, Harry found himself mesmerized by her chest, as did half the people in the Hall.

"Psst," Hermione hissed at Harry and Ron. "She's done."

Across the Hall, Professor McGonagall opened her scroll and began to read the names.

"Aburame Shino." A boy wearing sunglasses and a large jacket walked up.

"Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw…" The hat kept shouting names. Then, "Sorry, wrong minds here. What do you keep in there? Anyways, RAVENCLAW!"

Silence. Bzzzzzzzzz.

"Akimichi Chouji." Fat boy walked up. More silence.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

Silence. Chips were better anyways.

"Haruno Sakura." Pink hair? Silence.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Silence. Maybe they needed a trip to the medics. But then, they had no easily recognizable symptoms.

"Hyuuga Hinata." White eyes? Silence.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

Silence. For some reason, this is incredibly scary.

"Hyuuga Neji." More white eyes. And long hair? Silence.

"RAVENCLAW!"

Silence. Yes they should, in the presence of a trio of genius shinobi, two from exalted bloodlines.

"Inuzuka Kiba." Red tattoos on his cheeks? Silence.

"GRIFFINDOR!"

Silence. Geez, these people needed to liven up.

"Nara Shikamaru." Was that pineapple hair? Silence.

"RAVENCLAW!"

Silence. How troublesome.

"Sai." God, that was a creepy smile. Scary silence.

"SLYTHERIN!"

Silence. The people here were falling for his intimidation technique. Good.

"Tenten." Blue hair? Silence.

"GRYFFINDOR?"

Silence. The first time the hat was confused!

"Uchiha Sasuke." Holy shit, he was hot. Reverent silence.

"SLYTHERIN!"

Silence. Ahhh, silence is golden, isn't it?

"Uzumaki Naruto" Were those whisker marks?

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I mean, ahem, GRYFFINDOR!"

Silence. Looks like no need for the silver. (duct tape, if you're curious. It's an old joke going "Silence is golden but duct tape is silver. If I have to explain more I'll set Tensa-chan on you."

"Yamanaka Ino." Half the Hogwarts male population would have to go to the Hospital Wing shortly due to blood loss. Sexy silence.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Silence. She's too hot for her own good.

"Actually, I hope that they can form their own house," Tsunade said. "After all, they'll only be here for a year. After that, they'll need to go back. We need them in our village. They're our future."

Suddenly, two more people with white eyes appeared. One was a young girl while the other was older and male.

"The Hyuuga clan must have her children back soon. As of now, the only candidate for the clan heir to be there will be Hanabi here. The other two claimants must return soon." At his words, Neji snorted.

"And since my marriage is bound to be arranged with either Hanabi-sama or Hinata-sama I guess I don't have a choice, do I?" Hiashi glared at his nephew.

"Right, son of my twin brother, for that you're marrying Hanabi. Hinata wants Naruto." At that, Hinata fainted, and half of Hogwarts went on Hyuugacest! alert. Hanabi interrupted.

"You make that sound like a bad thing, Otou-sama, Neji-ni-san. It can't be that bad, can it?" Her words were honey. Neji suddenly had a bad coughing fit and Hiashi chose to emulate the prodigy. Sakura, Ino, and Tenten were busy trying to revive Hinata.

Before things could degenerate further they were interrupted by the top from Suna. Gaara, Temari, Kankuro, and Baki appeared.

"For Sunagakure no Sato's involvement last year, we wish for similar payment."

I really should end it here, but I don't wanna lose my thread.

For the confused wizards and witches, Tsunade and Gaara began explaining.

AN: for a long lecture, don't skip to the next author's note.

"After last year, Gaara became the Rokudaime Kazekage of Sunagakure no Sato, or the Village Hidden in the Sand, which is our Village's ally. The Hokage is the title of the leader of our village, and Kazekage is the head of Suna. While normally referring to our villages, we call them Leaf, Sand Hidden Leaf, or Hidden Sand. There is a Hidden Village of shinobi, or magical, fighters in almost every country where we're from. Suna, or Sand, is in what you'd call the Wind Country. Konoha, or Leaf, is in the Fire Country. There are others, such as the Cloud or Rock, which are in different countries. There is one for almost each country, and they constitute most of the country's military strength. You can always tell a shinobi fighter by the headbands we wear, which hold the village symbol. Suna has the hourglass, and Konoha has the stylized leaf. I could tell you more, but that would be dangerous. What I will tell you, however, is of utmost importance in keeping alive. Several years ago, we had a dangerous man called Orochimaru defect from one of our Hidden Villages and go form his own, which is now called Otogakure no Sato, or the Hidden Sound. He is like your Voldemort. Also, we have had other powerful defectors from other villages form an organization called Akatsuki, or Dawn. They wear black cloaks with red clouds. If they find you, you're dead, you won't even have time to run away, so be careful where you go. Last of all, the people of Konoha seem to have had run ins with the almost omnipotent Mary Sue Society, so beware of angry Mary Sues from other fanfictions. Without further adieu, let's go."

AN: End of long lecture.

With that, the Konoha adults and the Sand Sibs left. The people from Konoha ended up with their own house, too. Don't ask how. Dumbledore stood up to introduce Baki.

"Ahem, this man from the Sand is called Baki. He is one of their elites, so please don't cross him as well. He will be staying as alternative Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. On that note, I would like to introduce Professor Umbridge as our current Defense teacher."

And that's how Hogwarts got her fifth house.

2stupid: Okay, that was longer than expected. Originally it was going to have the Sorting Hat's demise, too, but that's okay.

Tensa-chan: You probably stumped our single reader with all the Japanese words.

2stupid: We won't have a dictionary, jutsu, Japanese-English, or otherwise, so just review and I'll reply. Simple.

Tensa-chan: Anata wa Canada oro desu wo? (I think it means "Are you a Canadian?") Anyways, we don't have any OC's, probably never, but if we do, we'll do the character profile.

2stupid: Read and Review, since I'm not updating till I get four or five total. Only 2-3 more.

Tensa-chan: By the way, I'll have a shinobi do Part Three of the Triwizard Tournament soon. In the meantime, polls are going up. Review the seven who went: Haku, Sasuke, Gaara, Temari, Kankuro, Neji, Sai. Choose now.


	8. Sasuke meets Malfoy

2stupid: At first I couldn't think of anything to write and I didn't have any ideas for that Mary Sue thing of mine… ;;

Tensa-chan: And then I had this really weird idea of random Naruto characters meeting with their Hogwarts counterparts. Some of them really aren't original, such as Ibiki-Moody, Anko-Snape, Shika-Hermione, Orochi-Voldie, or Sandaime-Dumbledore, but I chose to do—

2stupid: Don't ruin the surprise.

Tensa-chan: Why?

2stupid: You know, it's actually really unoriginal.

Tensa-chan: For that, you can type the story. While I dictate.

2stupid: WHAT! You know I type slowly and you dictate too fast.

Tensa-chan: calmly That's your punishment for insulting my idea.

2stupid: Sa—

Tensa-chan: Hush or I'll take your allowance too, and use it to buy manga.

2stupid: And then you'll just keep reading them all, ba—

Tensa-chan: Sparks in eye Die, alter ego. chases 2stupid off the mental Grand Canyon and locks the door to the top.

2stupid: AHHHHHH—splat. Damn you. It took me five months last time to get out.

Tensa-chan: I added new security, too.

2stupid: WHAT!

Tensa-chan: I'll be back in a year if you're still not out yet. In the meantime, on with the story. Oh, and Sasuke's not getting his special long-term assignment until next year.

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Sasuke meets Malfoy… MuaHAHAHAhAhAHAHa. Sasuke bashing, Draco bashing.

Also called, Why Draco Became a Death Eater

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A few weeks after the first task, Sasuke was walking along the corridor, listening to a song by some random author from a nin record player.

"I think I'm breaking out,

I'm gonna leave you now,

There's nothing for me here—It's all the same

Even though I knew

That everywhere I go

Go downhill from here—I'm not okay.

Away, away, away from here I'll be,

Away, away, away so you can see,

How it feels to be alone and not believed.

You used to be alone and not believed.

You used to be alone and not believed.

Anything.

You can't stop me now.

You can't hold me down.

You can't keep me here—I'm on my way.

I'm learning things for now,

And I'm not burning out.

No matter what you say—I'm not okay.

Away, away, away from here I'll be,

Away, away, away so you can see,

How it feels to be alone and not believed.

You used to be alone and not believed.

You used to be alone and not believed.

Anything.

How do you know the voice inside of me?

How do you know the noise inside of me?

Every way the pain is shattering.

Every way the pain is shattering.

How do you know my words before I speak?

How do you know my words?

This is how it feels to not believe.

Running out, the noise inside of me.

Running out, the noise inside of me.

Every which the pain is shattering.

Every which the pain is shattering.

How do you know my words before I speak?

How do you know my words?

This is how it feels to not believe.

Away, away, away from here I'll be,

Away, away, away so you can see,

How it used to be alone and not believed.

How it used to be alone and not believed.

How it used to be alone and not believed.

Anything."

(AN: Lyrics are the property of the homicidal bastard who sang them and if you sue, I will stop writing this fic. And I had to play the song five times to get the words, since I can't go to right now. Damn.)

Sasuke turned off the player, feeling sick. The song reminded him of Itachi more than anything—after all, his brother was the one who had put those words into play that long ago night. Ah well, he'd kill his weasel brother one day. He was distracted by the sight of a platinum blonde blocking his way. Before he could move, he got hit with a Stunning Spell. Or almost did. What Draco did was enough for Sasuke to beat the crap out of him as well as use several forbidden techniques on him. Several hours later, Snape found the comatose body of a badly beaten Draco. Sasuke had already erased his memory and forced him to relive his nightmares using his Sharingan genjutsu, which was like a modified version of the Mangekyou, available to any of those with the Sharingan, Uchiha or no.

The next day, an angry Malfoy Sr. could be seen striding up the lawn to accompany his son to St. Mungo's. Several people could figuratively see his killing intent, resolving in some nasty rumors. Of course, the ninja around the school noticed the aura but considered it to be rather weak. Sasuke was listening to his player again, ignoring confused stares from various Hogwarts students. Unfortunately for someone, as he was crossing the Great Hall, he met up with Malfoy Sr. Sasuke was now singing a song whose chorus was

"I want to kill you,

I want to kill you,

I'm insane!"

Malfoy Sr. was not happy with this prime example of juvenile delinquency, and "accidentally" destroyed Sasuke's player. Unluckily for both of them, it was a custom-made one (Sasuke made it himself). Also, shinobi do not believe anything happens by accident. So therefore, Malfoy Sr. was faced with a charge of vandalism and a fine for recompense by an angry "minor". Of course, Sasuke was an influential person because of his clan's former status and because of his own special accomplishment after he went to Otogakure. He had given all his information on the Sound and in return, Tsunade claimed that the council of Konoha had sent him on a secret S-class mission to spy on Orochimaru for a couple years to monitor his progress. For some strange and unknown reason (not) the people of Konoha agreed to it. After all, S-class missions were dangerous for a reason and therefore kept secret. So it could be said that Sasuke had been able to garner the feelings of everyone important in Konoha and allied to Konoha. That also included the wizarding world when they heard of it. Dumbledore compared him to Severus Snape; Sasuke wanted to kill that sadistic bastard—after giving him to Ibiki for a while. Since the negotiations between Voldemort and Orochimaru had started before Sasuke left for Konoha, Sasuke knew Malfoy Sr. and Malfoy Sr. knew him. (Sadly, the Ministry does not count the testimony of shinobi for 101 reasons, mostly dealing with their profession.)

Soon, Malfoy Sr. had the unhappy reminder that there were always spies and traitors. He tried to remember the boy's name. Vaguely remembering the two men who stood behind Orochimaru, he could recall one's name. Kabuto. But he thought that belonged to the one with long silver hair in a ponytail and glasses. This one was black-haired, almost bluenette, and had almost been invisible, and yet Orochimaru had seemed particularly fond and proud of him. He had something important with the snake shinobi's immortality technique, Malfoy thought, but he couldn't remember the name. He noticed the boy smirk.

"You had better make sure your son is more careful next time," the boy drawled. "Malfoy."

Malfoy had the sudden, irrational thought wondering why, if the boy could remember his name, why couldn't he remember the boy's? Before he could do anything, the boy pulled up his sleeve, smirking, and touched the Dark Mark. It exploded with pain, making Malfoy howl with pain. Luckily, or unluckily, no one heard his cries. Sasuke turned and left, having sent a message to Orochimaru and Voldemort concerning their followers. Before he left the hall, however, he made sure to use Sharingan genjutsu to force Malfoy to stand and repair the player magically. Raising the intensity of the hypnosis a little, he had Malfoy Sr. forget what happened.

Turning away, Sasuke left Malfoy to his own punishment by his master. Sasuke had to listen to one of his favorite songs.

Malfoy Jr. was sent to St. Mungo's without much difficulty, but had to spend several days their undergoing some pretty severe mental therapy. Powerful genjutsu could do that to someone, especially if the genjutsu mostly still wasn't countered. Around the school when Draco was out, Sasuke could be seen smiling mysteriously.

Malfoy Sr. was also sent to St. Mungo's by his frantic wife, in almost equally bad condition. He would be comatose for a while, but would recover in a month or two. Unbeknownst to Voldemort, the Death Eaters, and the staff at St. Mungo's, Orochimaru and Kabuto had gone pretty soft on him. After all, he was still alive and relatively undamaged. All everyone else had heard were the screams.

As soon as Draco returned to school, he expressly avoided Sasuke, who was fine by that. Sasuke knew that Draco was weak. He wanted to defeat powerful people in order to get stronger. Sasuke also knew that he was on a time limit, since he needed to defeat Itachi before Itachi became a Jinchuuriki and therefore virtually invincible. Sasuke was also not an idiot; he knew that if he managed to become a Jinchuuriki himself 1) Itachi might have to fight him. And 2) he would gain much extra power. The cursed seal was to damaging and nowhere near as powerful enough. Sasuke still didn't have the Mangekyou, either. Having a Jinchuuriki would solve that; it was time to search for a youma.

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2stupid: Hmmm, considering the length of the song, it's a really short chappie. Next one will be betterquality, though. And no, Sasuke's not going to become a Jinchuuriki. He's just going to make a deal with one, probably Hachimata, which will probably be a snake demon. Remember Ch. 309 when Kyuubi said that Sasuke's eyes were cursed, even more than Kyuubi was?

Tensa-chan: Hachimata won't have to be around for long, either. It would be interesting to see Sasuke as the next Hachimata. It would be interesting, since humans don't have tails. But snakes do… Hmmm…

2stupid: lovely finals. I'll give a cookie to the first person who can tell me what the inverse log of _e_ is. _e_ is that lovely number 2.19…

Tensa-chan: Go to hell, finals.

2stupid: On a cheerier note, school ends next week, so I should be able to write more chapters. However, I have summer school and SAT Chemistry prep classes. And my stupid summer assignments. My history teacher estimates hers should be about 40 hours long. Therefore, it will be around 400, since I work very slowly. My English teacher's….

Tensa-chan: Don't even get started on that.

2stupid: Review and I'll update faster.


	9. Shikamaru's Potions Lesson

2stupid: Hooray. We've finally gotten Young Writer's Society up and running!

Tensa-chan: Whoopie! We're still short a member, remember?

2stupid: I'll just write down some random name or other.

Tensa-chan: Just wait until we start. First semester is fanfics.

2stupid: Let's just read. Nothing more to say.

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Shikamaru's Potions Class

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Shikamaru looked at his schedule while eating his scrambled eggs. First he had Potions, then Defense Against the Dark Arts, then History of Magic, and finally Divination. It sounded like a troublesome day already. He got up from the Ravenclaw table and walked towards class.

"Apparently we have some… new additions… to our class. Just because you're latecomers doesn't mean you can slack off," Snape muttered to them.

"Akimichi, what is the primary ingredient for the Pacifying Potion?" Snape asked. Shikamaru used standard nin sign language to spell it out. Chouji got it correct.

"Aburame, what are _kikaichu_ used for?" Shino looked at him suspiciously.

"Kikaichu are used for attacking. They eat chakra and are efficient, but take a while, so if using kikaichu, learn to dodge. There is also the trouble of having the kikaichu find the chakra. However, if you can access the bugs' overmind, you have a reasonable chance of surviving. But you can't. It's the special ability of one of the stronger clans of Konoha," Shino ended his lecture with a soft but dangerous buzz. Everyone was taken aback; this time was the first in living history that he had spoken more than a few words of his own volition. Even Snape was taken aback by the litany.

"Very well, but I was hoping for you to describe their uses in potions, Aburame. Nara, you try," Snape snapped, obviously ignoring Shino's soft but rapidly louder (that doesn't sound right) buzzing sounds from his kikaichu. Kikaichu are really smart, and most of them were out for Snape's blood.

"Kikaichu are used in many nonlethal poisons because they tend to have a soporific effect on people and are extremely effective…" Shikamaru droned on and on about the effects of kikaichu, the potions they were used in, when they were used, blah blah blah, etc. etc. etc. … Twenty minutes had passed before he had finished, astounding even Snape.

"Congratulations, Nara. Now, if you will stop being a know-it-all, today, we will start brewing the Polyjuice Potion," Snape said. "Open your books to page 521 and start."

Shikamaru didn't bother to open his book. He had already memorized the potion and figured out a much more efficient method of preparing it. He got out most of the ingredients and swiftly began. After about fifteen minutes, Snape noticed that his student was doing something very different from what was written on the board. Before he could ask, Shikamaru handed him a clear blue serum.

"This is my version of the Polyjuice Potion. It's much easier to make, takes a shorter period to make, and is also much more potent. Those affected by this potion will be in the other's form for three hours. I also have a better version of the Draught of Peace, but it's too troublesome to do," Shikamaru said.

Snape was speechless. No one was supposed to be better than him at potions! Before he could take off points, he came up with an idea. It was time for revenge.

"Unless you want detention, you will give me a five-page essay on your method of brewing transforming potion, as well as another five page essay on your version of the Draught of Peace."

Shikamaru was irritated. "I'll do neither. They're both too troublesome," he complained. Snape just gave up at that. His intimidation techniques weren't working on this lazy genius. He turned to the new fat boy. He—Chouji, was it?—he resembled Neville. Maybe he could use this boy to get to that lazy bum.

At a different cauldron, Hinata and Neji were working up a Polyjuice Potion and had just failed spectacularly after they had accidentally added shredded boomslang skin instead of lacewings. This time, the potion turned the clear and dangerous shade of bright orange good which signaled a haz mat spill. Before anything could happen, there was a pair of twin squeals. Neji's and Hinata's cauldron blew up.

"How are we going to explain this to Hiashi-sama?" Neji wondered.

"Otou-sama is going to be so mad at me too. I'm supposed to be at least a good medic nin and I can't even do this! I've brewed complex antidotes before this, why not now?" Hinata moaned.

""Hiashi-sama's going to kill me, I know he will. The cauldron cost so much! At least I did Kaiten and protected you from the mess. He might be lenient because of that," Neji whimpered in fear. All Branch House members were like that.

"And now we even probably have to pay for new flooring!" Hinata finished, wailing. By now, everyone, even Snape, was staring at the Hyuuga relatives.

"Reparo. Now see, everything's fine," Snape said, soothingly, just so he could get the two of them to shut up.

"The cauldron, Professor," Shikamaru said. "Apparently their chakra mixing with the magical properties of the ingredients caused an unexpected reaction."

Snape nodded. This was so troublesome… Aaargh. He needed a break. Maybe it was time to rejoin the Dark Lord. After all, Voldemort did give his minions time off between missions. It was so much more relaxing, even if it didn't pay very well.

Shikamaru was going to pay.

Little did Snape know that Umbridge was going to be a sadistic bitch with the lazy bum after, or he would have gone to give her a helping hand in the torturing.

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Tensa-chan: Ohayo. It's me. Up next (we think) is going to be Shika's DADA class! Either he passes really fast and becomes Umbridge's teacher's pet or he annoys her to no end. Vote! This will determine the course of the fanfic in later chappies! Also, we will need to take a break from updating after this simply since THE STUPID SITE WILL NOT LET ME UPLOAD DOCUMENTS! How stupid is that?

See that button down below? You know, the purply thingie?Click on it, review, and vote, or I'll set Yarochisai's cows on you. I mean it.


	10. Shikamaru's DADA Class

2stupid: I'm so stupid. I've started up another fanfic and I already have so much stuff to do this summer! Nooo!

Tensa-chan: sighs You'll never learn.

2stupid: Neither will you. flips Tensa-chan off

Tensa-chan: I'll pretend I never saw that.

2stupid: And here is our next chapter. We're on a roll here!

Tensa-chan: Yep. Unfortunately, we're gonna probably start updating faster until we reach the end of the sixth book and then wait for the seventh one to come out.

Shikamaru's DADA Class

"Class, turn to the first chapter and start reading," Umbridge said. Shikamaru was already asleep, having read the entire book during the summer when he was bored.

"Yes, Professor Umbridge," (most of) the class chanted. Most of the class was already semi-bored to death.

A few minutes later, Umbridge noticed that her newest student was asleep. This was it. First Potter, then this boy!

"Mr. Nara, what are you doing? This is class, not naptime! Do you want detention?" she screeched. (AN: And here the Umbridge-bashing starts!)

Shikamaru looked up at her, then went back to sleep.

"I finished the book last week," he said. "Anyone trying to do whatever the author says is dead before he can think. Even if you're a diplomat. Aaah, how troublesome."

And try as she might, the only other things Umbridge got Shikamaru to do was snore occasionally.

"Ma'am, he won't wake. He's like that through all his classes. He was last in all his classes, too. I should know; I'm his best friend," Chouji said.

"Five points from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw each. Mr. Akimichi, don't try to discourage me from anything," Umbridge said.

Chouji's mood deteriorated from sympathy for mutual fatness to anger from her treatment of his best friend. Not to mention the taking away of points.

"Yes, Professor Umbridge," was all she got, however. At least she hasn't called him the taboo words—yet…

"Chouji, thanks for sticking up for me. Professor Umbridge, there is a reason why many of our diplomats do not live past their third or fourth mission. They all become assassinated. Whenever negotiations go badly, or when the diplomat discovers something the village has been hiding, or during a war or impending war, the person may have no choice but to die. After all, what are diplomats but those with the greatest ability to spy?" Shikamaru said.

"But you people are barbarians. Here we don't do those things. We do try to reason things out," Umbridge argued. She should know by now not to argue with super geniuses, even lazy ones.

"Do you? Just fifteen years ago you had a traitor around murdering everyone he couldn't control. Is it that hard to say that you've all changed from the mechanisms of a war government? Just two years ago, the ambassador here from Uganda was somehow "kissed" by a dementor. And you say it was some kind of accident. Stop lying and face the truth, girl. People everywhere are the same," Shikamaru lectured, steamrolling over Umbridge's argument.

Umbridge was too flustered to notice that Shikamaru called her girl. After all, she's been the one who's been ordering all the dementor attacks lately. So she used the only option left to her.

"Detention in my room tonight at eight, Mr. Nara!"

"Hai, Professor Umbridge. How troublesome…" Shikamaru said. At that moment the bell rang, disallowing further argument.

Time Skip to 7:51 PM

Shikamaru knocked on Umbridge's door.

"Hello. I would like to thank you for interrupting my date with Ino tonight. Unfortunately for you, you now have an angry kunoichi out for your blood. And our kunoichi are very good at their craft," Shikamaru said. (AN: Finally, I included a pairing!)

Umbridge blinked.

"I highly doubt she will be able to bypass several security trolls," she said.

"With ease. I doubt they will notice her. How troublesome," Shikamaru muttered. He had gone early to get away from Ino, not to argue with a toad-woman.

Umbridge highly doubted that. Instead, she mentally doubled the time of his stay.

"Here's a quill, here's paper. Now get started. I want you to write "I will not argue with Professor Umbridge" until I tell you to stop," Umbridge said.

At that moment, a certain door opened and a certain Harry Potter came in. It seems that the combined efforts of the Griffindor and Slytherin shinobi could not stop him from getting into trouble. Umbridge handed another quill at him and motioned for him to start writing.

"Where's the ink?" a certain black-haired boy asked.

"I'm pretty sure the ink will appear magically. How troublesome,' the other said.

They started writing, and, lo and behold, it was a Blood Quill. Shikamaru sighed scrumptiously, licking the blood off his hand in a meditative way, ignoring the frightened looks from the other two who thought he was enjoying the taste with his blood. (AN: He really wasn't but, it's a good idea to make people fear you—then they think twice about attacking you. Shinobi rule 16, I think.) Umbridge made a note to never have him in detention again in case he wanted a different source of pleasure as well as to let him go early.

"Why didn't you just say you wanted us to write in blood? It would have been so much easier if you had just said so in the first place," Shikamaru complained. "How troublesome."

Shikamaru decided to take the pen with him, since the spell on it looked to be pretty useful, if he could get it to draw blood from inside his body without making cuts or even to draw ink from a distant, different source altogether. His brain working to complete a jutsu to change the spell, he still felt troublesome as he turned back to the paper contemplatively.

Harry frowned as the other boy turned back to his parchment and contemplated it as if he wanted to lick the blood off that, too. Instead, he bit his thumb and began writing with the blood from it as if he would smear ink off it. The sight made Harry gag. Behind him, he heard Umbridge vomiting profusely.

"You're done, Nara," she finally croaked.

"Hai, Professor Umbridge," Shikamaru answered. His thumb was really starting to hurt, and he wasn't sure losing so much blood was a good idea, especially after secretly rubbing an anti-clotting factor on his thumb. The stuff was usually wiped down blades to kill more easily. As he bowed, he swiftly wiped an unguent which counteracted the poison's effects on his thumb and swallowed a blood-regeneration pill.

Five minutes later, Harry opened the door to find—Shikamaru. The pineapple head was inspecting his thumb, which was now clear of blood, a cut, or even a scar.

"Ino's going to kill me for this. And Sakura's going to kill me for using that stuff without her permission, too. How troublesome," Shikamaru said. "Harry, do you know where I can get something to drink? The taste of blood on my tongue is really disgusting."

Harry was relieved. Apparently the new students weren't all evil, insane people who liked murdering others and drinking their blood.

"Just don't tell Umbridge I said that," Shikamaru said. "How troublesome."

There! Done! Up next, hopefully, Gaara and the Third Task! And then some lovely Mary Sue action back at Konoha! Either that or I'll do a first impressions one.

POLL!

The Golden Trio will meet the shinobi (fourth year)

on the train

at the welcoming feast

when Durmstrang and Beauxbatons arrive

Vote now (by review) or I WILL NOT UPDATE!


	11. Gaara and the Third Task

2stupid: Sorry I started Year Five first, but I wrote the first one down and couldn't think of anything else fast enough, and so I just posted them. The other two just followed.

Tensa-chan: But here is the third task.

2stupid: And here we are.

Tensa-chan: Nothing to say today.

Gaara and the Third Task

It was the morning of the third task, and the shinobi were split on whether to let Shino or Gaara do the third task. Neither of them cared very much. It's just that Shino can use his bugs to track down the other champions while Gaara uses sand to just find his path naturally. Neither of the two really cared that much about the third task. It would be easy: Shino could drain the magic/chakra of the enchantments and beasts, and Gaara could just float through and squash. In the end, they decided on Gaara because he's just got more chakra and is also a Jinchuuriki to boot. He could ask Shukaku for directions or something. For some reason, even though the shinobi were in first place, uncontested, they had asked to go last. Something about needing a challenge…

Gaara looked at the place where the champions were supposed to meet their families. He had already had a talk with his siblings last night, certain he would not die (and he won't), and he and Harry were walking slowly towards the banisters towards the library and Gaara's siblings when Cedric poked his head through the door.

"Gaara, Harry, they're waiting for you!" He called. Frowning, Gaara and Harry walked through the door. Harry immediately saw the Weasleys and went to go talk with them. Soon two other canon Harry Potter people went to join them. But you know how that came to be. So now onto Gaara, who the Weasleys did not comment on. (they were briefed on the shinobi by letters home from Ron, Fred, George, Percy, and Ginny.)

Gaara turned, and found many people from his village there to support him. In fact there were so many that the room had to be enlarged to fit them all, and even then, it was still packed. Baki stepped forward.

"We will be watching you in the maze and will not hesitate to give you an added advantage to show our village's strength. We've got a whole section of the stands rigged out for us, so don't disappoint us."

Gaara simply nodded and hugged (!) Baki. Several kunoichi sighed and took pictures. (AN: Baki's pretty tall and Gaara's pretty short, so it looks like a little kid hugging his father cutely.) Soon, a whole troop of Suna nin were going up to the library, where they proceeded to marvel—and laugh—at wizards, their spells, and their history.

All too soon, the nin walked up to their boxes, looking like a procession, since they didn't bother to use the stairs, and Gaara walked out to join the rest of the champions. After a while, the other four people had gone through the maze and Gaara was whistled in. He glided up on a cloud of sand, taking the right turn the first time. Gaara frowned, then proceeded to push chakra into the sand to use his third eye technique, which he sent over the maze to scout for him. Why he did not use it to get through to the cup easily, we will never know, but the eye did tell him what was ahead.

The first thing Gaara came to was… a giant, armored, fire-spewing scorpion thing. Gaara quickly squashed it, letting the magical blood strengthen his sand. He kept going. Suddenly, a large cloud enveloped him, cutting off his sight, as he heard the bushes begin to merge. Or at least, the cloud would have cut off his sight if he had not used his Third Eye technique. With it, he shot upwards, clearing the clouds- and the walls. Sadly, the place he chose to land was occupied by a large horse-eagle crossbreed. 'Can't a person get a rest in here?' he wondered.

'O wonderful container of mine, I enjoy watching you suffer,' the demon Shukaku answered him. Gaara frowned.

'Go away, bakemono tanuki demon.'

'As you wish. Just go left, then right, then left, squash the giant spider, and you'll be at the cup.'

'So soon? And why are you helping me?'

'I don't like mazes, and the sooner we get out of these, the sooner I am happy. Geez, they should have had Kyuubi's container do this. He was much better at these things than I was, and he actually enjoyed it,' the demon grumbled.

Gaara chose to take the Ichibi's advice—and found himself facing the giant spiders, with the cup in plain view behind. Suddenly, he noticed a spider move along a tangent towards one of two others who were closer than he was. Gaara simply let the sand deal with them as he used his floating sand to move towards the cup as swiftly as possible. Just as the other two finished arguing and touched the cup, Gaara made contact and felt someone jerk his navel.

'Oh, crap,' both demon and container thought. Potter and Diggory were too surprised to think anything.

As the cup and its hangers-on swirled into a small graveyard, they were glomped by enough sand to constitute a dune in the middle of the Sahara. (AN: aka a lot of sand) Wormtail was confused. He had expected to get the Boy Who Lived, not a bunch of sand. Voldemort was going to kill him for this…

Gaara stood up, allowing the sand which encased the three of them to dissipate back into his gourd and the ground. He really didn't like the feel of this place—it stank of the dead and of cruelty. Of course Shukaku thought he was in heaven, since he's a demon and likes that kind of stuff. But we're not talking about him.

Wormtail frowned. He was only supposed to get one person, Potter. What was a boy wearing eyeliner and another Hogwarts student doing here? Especially with one of them dressed like a Muggle, with a black overcoat, black pants, strange black sandals, and a pale vest with straps holding up what looked like… a gourd? (Gaara's outfit Naruto Part II) Wormtail was pretty sure the boy with the gourd was some random Muggle cosplayer. He couldn't have messed up that badly, could he? Gulping, he turned back to the Dark Lord swaddled in robes behind him.

"Kill the spares," a high-pitched, nasal voice said. Gaara acted swiftly—like all shinobi, he defended himself—and recreated his Suna no Yoroi (Shield of Sand) and a Suna Bunshin (sand clone) to take his place, sinking into the ground to hide. Luckily for him, he figured out how he was to be "killed" as a bolt of colored light slammed into the tall, handsome boy next to him. The next burst of light slammed into the clone, shattering it and causing it to return to its normal sandy state.

Harry was surprised when the redheaded boy, Gaara, burst into sand. Well, it would explain his affinity with sand… (NO DUH, POTTER! WE ALREADY KNOW!) As he was slammed into the tombstone of Tom Riddle, he thought he caught a glimpse of demonic eyes with four-pointed blue pupils, golden irises, and black where the whites were supposed to be (Just look at Shukaku's eyes from the manga) before they became shrouded in mist and shadow.

We all know (or those of us who read the book) how Voldemort was revived. Although why Gaara did not stop the ceremony is beyond any of the readers. And perhaps even the authors... Nah. He was probably too interested in what was going to happen. But anyways, Voldie got resurrected. And we all know what's going to happen next: he summons the Death Eaters!

Soon enough, there were numerous pops and hooded and cloaked people suddenly appearing. They gathered in a circle around the three original people and ignored the dead boy. Gaara poked his head up from where he had sunk down into ground he had turned into sand. No one noticed him. Good. Things were starting to get interesting and he didn't want to lose his view. Soon, the snake man and the boy were flashing light at each other, the energy whooshing overhead. Gaara realized he had enough sand back at Hogwarts to teleport back if he so wished. It would be more interesting to stay and watch.

There was a strange phenomenon when golden light burst into a dome, but Gaara used the distraction to sneak over to grab the cup with his sand and wait close to where the Potter boy was. As soon as the web broke Gaara grabbed him with sand, grabbed the other cup with more sand, and teleported them back to the school.

There was the usual amount of shouts, and you all know what happened to Potter. Needless to say, Sunagakure was not happy her Kazekage could have died, never mind Gaara's automatic shield of sand, the Suna no Tate. So Baki told both Gaara, the rest of the nin, the Mary Sue organization, and Hogwarts that Suna was not coming back the next year and would turn down all missions from the school.

Gaara wondered who exactly held the power in the Hidden Sand.

Wow, anticlimatical. So now the Sand Sibs are out of the pic. Should I include Kimimaro?

Decide whether Kimi-chan should be in! Review!


	12. The Mary Sue Incidents, Part II

2stupid: Konnichiwa. I miss going to the Anime Expo 2006. It was weekend July 4th, so of course I can't. Bummer. The Anaheim Convention Center, the Marriott, and the Hilton. Huge.

Tensa-chan: At least we'll be getting those random previews, though.

2stupid: If they can remember… Which I doubt.

Tensa-chan: They might not even go.

2stupid: If they can't get the tickets online, they'll buy them at the gate.

Tensa-chan: Horrendously expensive.

2stupid: Yeah, I know. Ouch.

Tensa-chan: I really want to do a Jinchuuriki version of Akatsuki, but that's a different fic.

2stupid: Let's get this party started.

Tensa-chan: Yep. And the seals for Katon: Goukakyu no Jutsu are boar, horse, tiger, I think.

The Mary Sue Incidents, Part II

''

It was a cloudy day in Konoha, as the skies seemed to be pouring. The date was January 21, and the Mary Sue Organization had sent five death threats to Konoha. Suddenly, there was a large flash, and a young woman with blonde hair in a loose braid dressed in bloodred leather cut to fit like a glove stood there next to the person who had summoned her, a Mary Sue who had the surprising ability to pull people out from other dimensions.

The Mary Sue laughed. "Muahahahahahahahaha! I have summoned the doom of Konoha by calling this Mord Sith from the Sword of Truth series! As soon as you attack her with chakra, she will take over it and torture you to death! She is the best! Yeah!"

The Mord Sith laughed. It was an evil, chilling sound. "I am Denna," she said. "And you will know the power of my Agiel."

The first person to attack was a random Konoha nin. Sadly, he attempted to use a jutsu on her. Didn't work, as he went down screaming his head off. Poor nin. Now he's going to die a horrible death.

The next person to look at Denna was a certain sadistic genius named Morino Ibiki.

"That was AWESOME! You so have to teach me that. In fact, why don't you come with me and try it out on that Sound nin we captured yesterday?"

Denna looked at him like he was the man of her dreams. "Really?" she asked. When he nodded, she squealed and followed him. And that was the end of Denna's role.

Next, the Mary Sue summoned the sun goddess Amaterasu from Japanese Shinto legend.

"WHO DARES SUMMON ME?" the angry goddess said.

"I did," squeaked the Mary Sue. She had not expected to get a goddess from a different world. Too bad for her, she couldn't get Amaterasu to work with her. Suddenly, the missingnin known as Uchiha Itachi appeared.

"gasp," he gasped, then thought of something. "Oh great goddess of the sun, Amaterasu, will you please help me with my technique, named after your eminence, please?" Oh, Itachi needed help on his Amaterasu technique really badly. He even kneeled. He left with a flattered goddess behind him.

"C---," said the Mary Sue. She then summoned Amaterasu's sister, the moon goddess Tsukiyomi (?). "My dearest Tsukiyomi-dono, I am afraid to report that these evil leaf nin have kidnapped your sister."

Tsukiyomi laughed. "Then pity those who have. She's one evil goddess. That's why she's also the Shinigami. Besides, we have a godly mindlink and right now she's training the most powerful man on this plane. Bye!" She went back to the plane the readers are currently on.

The Mary Sue was getting angry. None of this was working! "Dammit, then I'll let her have a try!" Then Mary Sue 2 appeared.

"Combo Sharingan and Byakugan!" She screamed.

"I have a way to stop her!" Shikamaru cried. "Quick, everybody moon her!" Mary Sue quickly fainted from blood loss after that.

Mary Sue 3 decided to appear. And took out a flute and began playing. Just then, random sand kunoichi with giant fan appeared. She swung, then stuck her tongue out at the Mary Sue, who promptly sat down and began bawling her eyes out.

We can keep on going with the list, but I'm going to end it here.

Mary Sue 14 gasped for air as Lee and Gai did their Flames of Youth pose, complete with flowery background.

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

And so on. The Mary Sue remained traumatized for life and had to quit soon afterward. But we're not talking about her.

The clouds had blown off during the random fights, so it was a surprise when suddenly the sky… grew dark again. An enormous dragon was hovering in the air. It was at least ten times as large as Kyuubi.

"WHY DOES THE MARY SUE ORGANIZATION DARE ENCROACH UPON THIS MARY SUE FREE ZONE? LEAVE NOW. BEGONE, OR I WILL CHASE YOU. I DECLARE THIS AS THE HEAD OF THE MARY SUE ORGANIZATION. LEAVE!"

Konoha thanked its savior. Or at least Tsunade did, while everyone else hid behind her and her watermelons. Then the dragon turned back into the author, who promptly told everyone,

"It's time to clear out the OC's and the random xovers now." With that, she hauled Denna, kicking and screaming and (attempting) to lash the author with her Agiel (We're the author. She can't hit us. We're omnipotent) from where she and Ibiki were having a very painful make-out session. Needless to say, Ibiki missed her already. Sadistic masochists, Mord Sith, aren't they?

Next came Amaterasu. She had fixed Itachi's problem, so he could now fry out Gamabunta's stomach (in the manga) and give him an ulcer whenever Jiraiya chose to do that particular thing to him again. She left as well.

Finally, it was the author herself's turn. She pulled herself out of the spell she had cast on herself and the computer and looked over the writing. Not bad, just a little brief. Oh well. Blinking, she turned to the "save" button and saved her work.

"That wasn't so hard, was it, 2stupid?" asked Tensa-chan inside the author's mind.

"No, it wasn't," agreed (!) 2stupid.

And we will log off now. And look at poor Yugido… she lost pretty badly.


	13. Unlucky Chapter 13 Hiatus!

2stupid: They're gonna arrive when Durmstrang and Beauxbatons arrive, although if you lovely readers want I could write that stuff for you if you want. Your choices. Just R&R!

Tensa-chan: FYI, Jigoku Cho are Hell butterflies.

2stupid: Hai.

Tensa-chan: So, here we go. This should have been the first chappie, but now it ain't! Let's get started. After all, "The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his." –George Patton.

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Durmstrang, Beauxbatons, and… Konohagakure no Sato?

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Harry hissed as people jostled into him, craning their necks for a better view. The Golden Trio watched as both Durmstrang and Beauxbatons came. If you don't know how, read the book. Don't watch the movie; it's too vague. After they had left, everyone went to the Great Hall to prepare for their feast. At their seats, the students heard Dumbledore stand to make an announcement.

"Children, since there will be extra safety measures this year, we have decided to invite a certain, prestigious school of wandless magic from Asia," he began, and motioned for the subsequent whispers to subside. "Since they start learning magic at a younger age, the Age Line will not affect them."

Tsunade, hidden in the rafters of the enchanted ceiling, wondered why Dumbledore said that. After all: they were actually from an alternate universe. Period. But she was a good ninja, and did not reveal her permission, but did make a note to ask the old geezer about that, as well as the Age Line. It sounded interesting…

Tsunade left to gather the official entourage. 'Damn those Mary Sues,' she thought. 'We could have brought a Hyuuga or two, never mind their eyes, but no. At least I wonder how Shizune is handling the paperwork while I'm gone. But I'll have to go back in a day or two. Damn.'

Meanwhile Dumbledore was wondering where the Konoha entourage had gotten to. It was getting late, around nine thirty or so, and he decided to start the feast without them.

After the feast, a soft knock was heard on the door. When the door did not magically open immediately, a giant fireball emerged from nowhere and burned the doors down. Uchiha just have the bad luck of being both pyro and paranoid, and Hogwarts (once) had the trouble of lazy front doors. But there aren't doors anymore, so we won't go into that.

"I'm sorry for being late," a mysterious, female voice said from the ensuing smoke. "But we were held up."

"Well, there's no need to apologize. You weren't interrupting anything, so please sit." Dumbledore indicated the Gryffindor table to the dim, smoke-shrouded figures. Tsunade stepped out of the smoke, with Gaara on her right and the others following in a delta formation. Well well, apparently they had awed the masses, although how, she had only one certain perverted idea overused in these crossovers.

Everyone in the great hall, including Dumbledore, was shocked and entranced by the sheer size of the leading woman's chest. 'They have got to be bigger than watermelons,' Ron thought. It seemed that was running through the heads of everyone in the hall. And of course, Tsunade's going to notice, and she started becoming angry.

I really can't write fight scenes so I'll let you decide what happens.

Everyone was in awe… She had strong punches! Ron was still stuck in the wall behind the teachers' table. Everyone could see him only because he had been punched through the banner and was there was now a Ron-shaped hole in the wall. Several others, including Malfoy, had been punched clean through the walls and were now in the hospital wing. They had all gone up in a trance and tried to touch her assets to see if they were real.

All the other males were impending severe nosebleeds from watching Tsunade's chest jiggle as she punched and the girls were far too angry at their boyfriends and/or in awe of Tsunade's bust size to do anything. It was during that time when everyone got a good look at the people around her.

There was an androgynous figure with long, silky black hair and a beautiful face, but with no chest whatsoever, a redheaded insomniac boy with severe bags, green eyes, and a scar on his forehead that Hermione recognized as being the kanji for 'love', another boy with a high collar and concealing sunglasses, another boy with hair that looked like a duck's tail but was g------ hot, a girl with four (four!) ponytails and a giant fan, a boy wearing makeup (?) and a cat suit, and last but not least some random guy who looked totally generic. Well, anonymity does help a shinobi.

"These are my students, Haku, Shino, and Sasuke," Tsunade said. "And this is my colleague Gaara. You may call me Tsunade-sama or Hokage-sama."

"These are my students, Temari and Kankuro," Gaara said. "You may call me Kazekage and nothing else."

"If the uninformed masses knew of your reputation, they'd definitely do that, no matter the fact that you're around the age of sixteen," Tsunade said, to warn everybody of Gaara's famous (former) temper.

"Oderint, dum metuant," Gaara said calmly, like he always is when not losing to a Deidara planning to blow up all of the Hidden Sand. "Let them hate, so long as they fear. I believe somebody named Accius said that. Smart man."

"Well," Tsunade began. "You can—Ohmygod, I forgot to introduce Sai." She pointed to the generic-looking boy behind them. Who was now smiling a cheesy smile at everyone. There was mass confusion as everyone had forgotten about Sai.

After everyone sorted themselves out, Dumbledore finally got to asking where the shinobi would be camping.

"We could let you sleep in this castle, after all. It's not that big of a deal." He was about to continue when he was interrupted by Tsunade and Gaara.

"There's no need to, Dumbledore. We've already set up camp in that lovely forest of yours," Gaara said. "The Forbidden Forest, or whatever you people call it. Not very dangerous. Besides, we can take care of ourselves and we aren't going far, perhaps a few miles in."

Dumbledore was saved having to voice his confusion when Sai broke in.

"Dumbledore-san, this forest of yours is nowhere near as dangerous as our Forest of Death. Like Kazekage-sama said, we will be fine. We are no stranger to dangerous and magical beasts," generic boy said.

With that, Tsunade and the Konoha delegation politely requested leave and went to the forest to discuss tactics and guard (for their camp) schedules.

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Epilogue

In the end, since they were going to live in the forest for ten months, they had Yamato come in, build a two-story wooden house, clear a pathway to it with his Mokuton techniques, and install furniture. The house was only half a mile in, and had its own running water and heat. The road leading to the house was lined with a tall, thick fence leading straight to a large, walled in clearing in which the house took up only half the space. The rest of it was dedicated to training, and soon resembled the moon. In the forest, angry arachnids and centaurs attempted to invade, to no avail. When shinobi are determined, they are determined. They went to the castle every week for food, but remained away from the public eye until the first task, so they missed out on the derogatory newspaper articles, or they could have done several typical shinobi things to stop the slander. Oh well, that's later chappies.


	14. Meanwhile, on the Dark Side

2stupid: Hello, we're back! And with a vengeance. Yes, I lost my internet connection after chapter 12, so I couldn't update. Sorry.

Tensa-chan: I hate my summer assignments. There's too many of them to be good for me.

2stupid: Yeah, yeah, I know.

Tensa-chan: Don't you 'I know' me! You try doing them! They're (bleep)ing hard!

2stupid: Calm down, girl.

Tensa-chan: I am not calming down! I DON'T WANT TO CALM DOWN!

2stupid: Geez, how troublesome.

Tensa-chan: oh, just start this chapter already. None of us own Naruto, Harry Potter, Sword of Truth (chapter 11), or the Japanese Shinto religion (chapter 12). And Kimimaro isn't sick. Or his role would be too short.

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Meanwhile, on the Dark Side…

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Deidara, Sasori, Itachi, Kisame, Orochimaru, and Voldemort were sitting in a dark room. Kisame, Sasori, Itachi, Orochimaru, and Voldemort could see fine, due to a combination of shark and puppet eyes, Sharingan, and spending too much time in dark spaces so their eyes were naturally adjusted. Deidara just complained; heshe preferred other settings. Well, all of our (mostly) cute and cuddly villains were talking about three people in specific, and the whole of the ninja and wizarding society in general.

"So you're saying that you want Sabaku no Gaara, Uzumaki Naruto, and Uchiha Sasuke in return for the Potter boy and perhaps Dumbledore," a certain red-eyed snake man said.

"Yes." Itachi.

"We'll also loan you a professional spy and assassin. You only need to get him into Hogwarts," the other snake man said.

"Who?"

"Kaguya Kimimaro."

"Wait. You want Sasuke, who by his last name is related to Itachi. Is Itachi okay with it?" Voldemort asked.

"I could care less about what my foolish brother does or does not do. Unless he is a jinchuuriki, which he is not, he is of no importance to me," Itachi stated flatly.

"So says the man who assassinated the rest of his powerful clan, un," the androgynous clay-explosives boygirl said.

"Shut up, Deidara," Sasori interrupted, uncidentally gagging himher with a spare puppet, making sure Deidara's hands and mouth were unable to reach his explosive clays. Unfortunately for him, Deidara had gotten some clay earlier and promptly proceeded to blow up Sasori's puppet.

"Sorry, Sasori-danna, un. But I will shut up, as long as you don't sic your dolls on me, un."

"They're puppets, Deidara, not dolls. They're also works of art, unlike your bangs," Sasori retorted.

"True art is in the moment of the flash, Sasori-danna! Un!" Deidara said, getting almost as enthusiastic as Gai or Lee. No one can be enthusiastic as Gai or Lee.

"You two told us you wouldn't argue about art," Itachi said, interrupting the argument.

"Let's just get a move on," Voldemort said. 'These people are most definitely nutjobs. Still, they might prove useful. Nah, just use them as cannon fodder.' How wrong is the Dark Lord to be proven.

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Meanwhile, Kabuto was conversing with Voldemort's inner circle about the proper ways of torture.

"No, no. Malfoy-san. If you do that, you're forgetting about the psychological torture. That's the best part, when they're begging on their knees, you know," Kabuto said. (AN: BTW, I just found that his name is pronounced KA- boo- toe, with the accent on the KA. And here we were, thinking his name was pronounced Ka- BOO- toe. Just like Sakura, isn't it?)

"And how do I do… psychological torture… Mr. Yakushi?" Malfoy asked.

"Lesson Zero: One does not do psychological torture. One tortures the victim's mind," Kabuto started. "Lesson One: Utilize their weakness. Lesson Two: Make them fear. Lesson Three: Never. Let. Up. Those are three basic lessons, but you should know them. They make things much easier, although there are those, mainly shinobi, who can counteract those. And also, they are the basics- by all means, they are not the apogee or guidelines of this most fascinating art." Surprisingly, Deidara and Sasori heard him.

"That is not art, un! Art is a bang, un!" Guess who.

"Neither of those are art, uraskontachi! (or however you say it!) Art is in the beautiful preservation of my puppets!"

"No! Art is in my clay! Un!"

"It is not! Art is the delight in seeing someone suffer!"

"Clay, un!"

"Puppets!"

"Torture!"

"CLAY!"

"PUPPETS!"

"TORTURE!"

"CLAY!"

"PUPPETS!"

"TORTURE!"

"CLAAAYYY!"

"PUUUUUPPEEETS!"

"TOOOORTUUUUREEEE! Ha! Mine's was longest, I win!"

"S.H.U.T. .U.P.!.!.!.!.!." Ah, only the power of Itachi, his lungs, his chakra, his uber evil cursed blood, and the threat of his Mangekyou Sharingan can do that.

Malfoy looked at Kabuto, who shrugged. "Something like that, Malfoy, works almost every time. Like I said, just the basics. Don't try now, or Itachi's going to go into a fit and kill us all with his Mangekyou Sharingan. But do do it later." Kabuto smirked at Malfoy, an evil smirk only evil shinobi can do, a smirk that made Malfoy shiver (!). (AN: And Malfoy calls himself evil! He can't even recognize torture when Kabuto explained it to him not thirty seconds ago!) Kabuto left, touching Malfoy's shoulder in a way that was passively threatening, leaving the poor blond man to frighten himself. That was the beauty of psychological torture- the victim does most of it.

The evil sidekick medical nin walked off, whistling. He wasn't Orochimaru's "demonic torturer from hell", as he was labeled by his victims, for nothing.

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"I am sorry for the interruption, Voldemort-san," two voices said. Sasori, Deidara, and Kabuto were in for it now…

"No matter. Anyways, this Kaguya Kimimaro, is he good?" Voldemort asked.

"He's more than good," Orochimaru and Kisame said at the same time, then glared. "He's from the Kaguya clan." They glared some more.

"And?"

"Well, they were very bloodthirsty but wiped out during an attempted coup." Kisame.

"In the end, the entire clan was destroyed except for Kimimaro. And I want him to get a life. He stays alone too much in the Sound. It's not good for a boy like him." Orochimaru.

"Just how old is he?" Voldemort asked, slightly skeptical. Even he can't get a boy younger than ten into Hogwarts.

"He's seventeen. Or he will be in a few months. He can go to seventh year. With our targets in the fifth year, he can be a help." Ah, Orochimaru, how deeply laid your plans are. Gain the knowledge of Hogwarts while helping out your compatriots. How interesting.

"That's true. I would go myself if my brother hadn't trained himself to recognize me on sight and go into automatic 'kill' mode," Itachi said. He's also seventeen. "He does know how to summon snakes? Have Kimimaro make him sign the contract if he doesn't."

"Your brother has signed the contract. Back when he was twelve, he apparently defected, and a team was sent after him. My Sound nin eliminated almost all of them, but he and the loudmouth Kyuubi boy came ahead and stole the contract and signed it. And then ran off again with some other items."

"Like your Akatsuki ring?" several members asked. It was too dark to tell who.

"Yep. And I'm not a member anymore, so you can't do anything yet. So on with the problem.Nyah."

"Please do not stick that abominably long tongue at me."

"Kukukukukukuku."

"Break it up, you two." Yes, it seems Voldemort has become a peace-keeper in his senile old age.

"Yah, whatever," Kisame said. He stuck Samehada between the other two to shut them up.

"Alright, then. So it's Harry, a spy, and Dumbledore for Sasuke, Naruto, and Gaara. "

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Hmm, we should check on our subordinates, hmmm, Voldemort?"

"I believe your Kabuto has scared my Malfoy senseless."

"What a pity. Good help is so hard to find nowadays." (AN: Thank whoever wrote that other HP crackfic. This was taken directly from that, and I do not own those words. But neither does he/she. )

"Hey, Deidara, I've never figured this out, but are you a boy or a girll?"

"How dare you, snake man, un! Yeah… I'm a.(insert garbled noise here)… un…"

"That was useful."

"Does Dei even have a gender?"

"I guess not."

"Tobi?"

"He's asleep again."

BOOM.

"NOOOOOOO!"

"That's for sleeping on the job, un!" Yes, he was sleeping away, and therefore we didn't notice him in the beginning of this chapter.

"Who's he? And isn't that a little… drastic?"

"That's Tobi, un. He's not a member of Akatsuki yet, though."

"Hey, I'm not even a member yet!"

And thus is life on the Dark Side.

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And so another chappie is done. This one was kinda long, but it was fun to write. I know for a fact that I'm going to be doing Naruto's classes. Until then, ta ta!


	15. Naruto and Sasuke's Potions Class

2stupid: Here's Naruto and Sasuke's Potions class.

Tensa-chan: Read and Enjoy.

2stupid: Likewise.

Tensa-chan: Have fun.

2stupid: Cheerios.

Tensa-chan: This is pointless. Just read.

2stupid: Not a very humorous chapter.… I borrowed from some other fics, but put them in my way.

Tensa-chan: So it's only inspiration-plagiarism.

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Naruto and Sasuke's Potions class.

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Naruto and Sasuke, contrary to popular belief, were not spending their first few minutes of school arguing. Instead, they were running full tilt as if the hounds of hell were after them.

Which, in a way, they were. The Potions Master did not appreciate those who were not punctual, after all. Who would? (Other than Kakashi and Obito….)

They finally burst into the dungeons a few moments before the bell rang.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for being late, Uzumaki. Uchiha, go find a seat."

"What! How come I lose points and he doesn't? No fair!"

"Five more for the outburst, Uzumaki," Snape smirked.

"But—"

"Shut up, Dobe."

"I'm not a dobe!"

"Ten from Gryffindor, Uzumaki."

"If you weren't you wouldn't have kept losing all those points. Dobe."

"Wait, weren't we the fifth house? That means you can't take points away from us! Nyah!"

"Fine then, boy. Detention with me for a week and twenty off the fifth house."

"Great. Now we're starting off with negative points. Shut up, or I'll use the Chakra no Meso to tear out your voicebox and shove it up your ass," Sakura threatened.

Then she decided that it would be just too troublesome and just punched him through the wall

"Whaaarg!" Naruto flew over the Forbidden Forest and out over the distance. The Hogwarts students stared in awe.

"Just sit down, Uchiha, and let's get started. The potion is on the board," one Potions Master said, looking in all the world like nothing had affected his cool. However, in his mind a pair chibi Snapes (oh god, the horror!) were screaming and running in circles, waving their arms in the air, trying to avoid the wrath of an angry Sakura while a third chibi Snape sat there and watched, amused. (AN: The two running around are the ego and superego, aka the conscious mind. The one watching them is the id, which is the subconscious. Or so we think. It's probably different in people with severe mental disorders, aka us.)

Sasuke looked at the board, then realized that the potion was going to be complicated, so he chose a seat directly behind Hermione and activated his Sharingan. He imitated her, not move for move, but closely enough. In the end, both their potions were the eye-smarting shade of orange that made Sasuke reminisce about Naruto's former clothing. Looking to his other side, he could see that Sakura had made hers perfectly as well. Kiba, Tenten, and Ino had ended up with random colors, and Sai had chosen to recreate a potent poison from back home, and was carefully ladling the clear, odorless, tasteless solution into a small container created for such use.

Snape swept around. The new Slytherin boy that Voldemort wanted and the pink-haired Gryffindor girl had made the potion correctly. The other new Gryffindors were off by minute amounts, testifying to their prowess, and even Malfoy was on edge- his potion was a duller orange than Sasuke's. Which brought to mind a resemblance to a certain Gryffindor girl, but Snape shook the idea out of his head—it was a ludicrous thought. No one in Slytherin emulated the girl. It was simply not done. (AN: Sure… Just keep telling that to yourself. The perfect solution: denial.)

Snape looked at the Sai boy. It seems as if the boy had made his own recipe, and successfully, too, as he was now triumphantly and carefully ladling it into a small glass jar for storage.

"Fifty points to Slytherin for making such a potent potion," Snape said once he had reached the boy.

"Thank you, Professor Snape."

Of course, Sakura heard him. She froze as she looked at the potion, then the way he was handling it.

"SAI! Don't you know how dangerous that potion is? You could have died!" she screeched.

"Well, I'm still alive, aren't I?" Sai asked, smiling.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor for the outburst, Haruno. Fifty points to Slytherin for the brilliant comeback, Sai," Snape said.

"Thank you, Professor Snape," Sai said once again. Yes, he's painfully polite at times.

At that point, the door to the dungeon opened.

"YOU SENT ME FLYING INTO THAT GIANT CLOCK IN THAT ONE CITY! LUNDIN OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT! IT HURT!" Naruto shrieked.

The class was silent. Sakura was that strong?

"YES AND THANKS TO YOU I NEEDED A SOLDIER PILL AFTER THAT!" Sakura shrieked back. "IT USED UP ALL MY CHAKRA!"

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HIT ME THAT HARD!"

"YES I DID, BAKA!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TO—"

"Shut up, Sakura, Naruto."

"Hai, Sasuke-kun!"

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, TEME!"

"Four hundred points from Gryffindor, fifty for each shout. Another one hundred points for language, Uzumaki. So, that's five hundred so far. Care to add on?" Snape sneered. "Oh, and fifty points to Slytherin for shutting Haruno up, Uchiha."

'That's so unfair,' most of the ninja present signed to each other. Sai was the only one not signing, but then he was busy with the storage scroll for the extremely dangerous potion. By now, all of it was in various sealed jars, and his cauldron was empty, washed, and burnt of all traces of the potion.

There was a loud poof as all but one small vial of potion disappeared into the scroll. Sai quickly tied it up and stuck it in his backpack-thingie that he wears.

"Sorry for that. Just Vanishing most of the potion, Professor Snape," he said cheerfully, acting like Naruto, with his hand behind his head.

"Alright, Sai. Please deposit the sample on the desk and I will grade it for extra credit."

Sai looked at Sakura. The last thing they needed was a dead professor. She excused herself to use the restroom, and Sai followed her example. Once out the door, she turned and handed a vial of a clear potion used to heal burn wounds.

"Be careful," Sakura said. "The container I use is different from the container you're using. If you're not careful he'll tell the difference. Also, I want a sample of that poison, since there's supposed to be no cure for it."

"To find a cure," Sai finished. "Aegis curare, a lethal touch-poison that kills within seconds. One touch and you're dead. How will finding a cure help?"

"I dunno. Fun? Or maybe I could find a neutralizing substance," Sakua said, thinking fast.

"If you want, I could give you the recipe," Sai said.

"You owe me the recipe for the help I'm giving you. Tsunade-sama wouldn't like it if you were kicked out for creating 'Dark' potions."

"Neither would Danzou-sama."

"Right… Now, can you— wait, who's Danzou?"

"Nobody…."

"He's not a nobody if you address him with –sama!"

"Ummm…."

"A-ano, h-have y-you see-een where the h-h-hospital w-wing is?" A very bright red Hinata walked by. She was holding what looked like a small hedgehog with… white eyes?

"Why, Hinata? What's wrong?"

"A-ano… I… I… a-accidentally t-turned… a-ano… i-into a h-hedgehog…." Hinata stammered, turning redder. "a-and t-the Tran-transfiguration tea-teacher s-said I n-needed a… a… b-blood- replenishing p-potion a-after I-I fainted…"

"The Hospital Wing is this way, Hinata-san," Sai took her by the elbow and began leading her to the Hospital Wing. "Sakura-san, please go back to class."

Just then, the bell rang, and the three of them were trampled by a class eager to get out. Apparently, Naruto and Snape were having a full-on battle in there.

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Pyon! It's done! Don't you want to know who Hinata turned into a hedgehog? And what happens after the three of them got flattened? Or whether Naruto or Snape won?

Tune in next time for the results!

AN: THIS CHAPTER WAS REPOSTED FOR BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF OUR MYSTERIOUS HEDGEHOG! WILL HE TURN BACK OR WILL HE NOT! STAY TUNED!

Pyon! Sorry for putting up last chappie instead! Please don't kill us! We said we're sorry!... Wow. It took us ten minutes to finally delete the other chapter 15 and then we realized we could just replace chapters...


	16. Pirates vs Ninja, Part One

2stupid: Weird. The fanfictions on this site are becoming less and less canon.

Tensa-chan: Not weird. Scary. Soon we'll have pirate Naruto…. Wait, I think we already do.

2stupid: Thus making the infamous question, 'Ninja or Pirates?' absolutely useless.

Tensa-chan: We vote ninjas. On our count, it's currently 147 to 54 for the ninjas.

2stupid: So go down and vote!

Tensa-chan: I mean, we all want ninjas to win, right?

2stupid: I have a question: If Odysseus was prophesized to return twenty years after he left for the Trojan War,

Tensa-chan: Why did the suitors begin hounding Penelope after only ten to fifteen years? Shouldn't they have waited for twenty one years, just to be safe?

2stupid: Option 1: They didn't know and thought he was dead.

Tensa-chan: Option 2: They were like Clymnestra and were going to kill off Odysseus when he got home.

2stupid: Option 3: They were stupid and decided to court her anyways.

Tensa-chan: Vote!

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Pirates vs. Ninja, Part One

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The boys at Durmstrang had just landed. Karkaroff was welcomed by Dumbledore, and everyone was about to go in when, suddenly, a large cloud of smoke and our favorite ninjas appeared, courtesy of the Mary Sue Organization.

Needless to say, Dumbledore, the entire population of Hogwarts, the Beauxbatons entourage, and the Durmstrang entourage were stunned to see the smoke clear away to reveal several figures. The oldest looked to be in her early twenties, and the youngest was… early teens. It was kind of hard to tell.

"Aaargh! Damn the Mary Sue Organization!" Tsunade screeched. Apparently the Mary Sues decided to ditch the language barrier as well….

Temari, Kankuro, Gaara, and Sasuke screamed, "Usuratonkachi!" OMG! It's a miracle! Gaara and Sasuke screamed!

"…" Shino cried.

"We are sorry to inconvenience you," Haku said smoothly. Ah, the perfect gentleman.

"I am Albus Dumbledore. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"I am Momochi Haku," Yes, Haku loves Zabuza so much that he changed his last name for him. And now it's going to be the last name of a powerful clan…. Lucky Zabuza. "These are my… coworkers… Gaara, Temari, Kankuro, Sasuke, Shino, and Tsunade. Sai is the one with the smile who's ignoring the fuss around here."

"Where's Sai again?" Dumbledore asked; he could see only many figures in black where Haku had pointed.

"Sai's the one wearing black and looking generic."

"They all are."

"Sai!" Haku used the last resort- call him over to personally introduce himself.

"Nani?"

"Please speak English, Sai. And please introduce yourself to Professor Dumbledore."

"Hello. I am Sai. It is a pleasure to meet you."

"Hello, I am Professor (Albus Brian Percival Wulfric) Dumbledore. It is a pleasure to meet you as well," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling.

"Hello. I am Sabaku no Gaara, the Kazekage of the Hidden Sand. Pleased to make your acquaintance." Gaara bowed!

"Hello, I am Professor Dumbledore. Pleased to make your acquaintance as well, Mr/ Kazekage." Dumbledore bowed.

"HI! I'm Uzumaki Naruto, future Hokage!" Naruto was almost bouncing off the walls at this point. "Itai!" Tsunade retracted her fist from his head.

"Hi. I am Albus Dumbledore, current Headmaster."

"Hello as well. I am Tsunade, current Hokage of the Hidden Leaf. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance as well, Ms. Hokage. I am Professor Dumbledore, Headmaster."

"Hello. Sabaku no Temari."

"Hello. Related to Kazekage? I am Professor Dumbledore."

"Yep. We're all siblings! Gaara's the youngest! Sabaku no Kankuro."

"Nice to meet you. Professor Dumbledore."

"Shino."

"Nice to meet you. Professor Dumbledore."

"Hn."

"And a good hn to you to, sir. Professor Dumbledore." His eyes resembled suns by now. His twinkling was like Gai's and Lee's teeth pinging. Everyone shuddered at the thought. Maybe they were related? They were certainly weird enough.

Silence. Everyone's face: O.o;; Definitely related to Lee and Gai. Now we just have to wait for the "DYNAMIC ENTRY!" from his tomb….

"Anyways, the Mary Sue Organization has decreed that we shall be attending a certain… TriWizard Tournament?" Tsunade announced. "Damn Mary Sues. Probably just want to see us suffer."

"Then we shall be glad to allow you to join," everybody of consequence stammered. Oh, the power of the Mary Sue Organization. To make even Dumbledore quake….

"So from here on out, let the Quad Wizard Tournament begin!" Dumbledore cried dramatically.

"Actually, it's the "TriWizard-and-Witch Mono-Shinobi Tournament," Gaara said. "We must be gender and profession clear, mustn't we?"

The Mary Sues were laughing their heads off.

--------------------

Omake!

Laius and Ismene looked on in horror at both the Oracle and at their babe. He was going to kill his father and marry his mother? Poor thing! And to be the ruin of their great line, too!

"If you wish, I could take care of the babe for you, king and queen of Thebes," a young man said. He was totally nondescript and generic looking. "His fate will no longer be his to bear."

"Alright, then," Laius said. Ismene nodded, tearing up slightly at the thought of losing her firstborn. "It's for the best."

"Yes, it is," the man said. "Well, I will see you."

He left.

Laius looked at Ismene in worry. "What if that man was going to train him as an assassin?"

"Oh, Zeus, please let it not be so."

-----

A few minutes later, all memory of the child had been erased.

Nine months later, they had a second son. His name was Oedipus.

-----

Far away in a different dimension, the young man chuckled, then cast off an illusion to show that he was tall, with long, shaggy, now gray hair and samurai armor. (aka the guy Shodaime Hokage was fighting in the Valley of the End)

"So, my sweet, you will be my instrument of revenge, destined to destroy Konoha. Now, for a name, one that shall be feared throughout all the nations…. Orochimaru."

---------------------

Too short to put alone, too long to do anything else. This has nothing to do whatsoever with this fanfiction, though. Just to warn you.

Yes, that was Oedipus' older sibling. God, I hate that book, I have to answer so many questions and write an essay, all over the summer. You suck, Honors Program.

If you want, you can ditch the Naruto bits and replace the Orochimaru with other people like "Kazama/Uzumaki Arashi" (aka. Yondy), Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore, Merlin, Slytherin, Gryffindor, Sauron, and just about any other famous male name. Including Paul McCartney. Whoever he is.

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Now, there will be more Pirate vs. Ninja action later. Also known as Durmstrang vs Shinobi. In fact, all of it is in part 2.


	17. Pirates vs Ninja, Part Two

2stupid: Sorry about the mess up last chapter.

Tensa-chan: Troublesome….

2stupid: Shut up.

Tensa-chan: snore

2stupid: You snore?

Tensa-chan: No. That was just to tell you I want to sleep. Now shut up.

2stupid: But what about the chapter?

Tensa-chan: I've been getting about the amount of sleep Gaara has. points to the overly large bags that make her look like a panda I'M TIRED! Now shut up.

2stupid: Tensa-chan? We still have to the cha—OOMPH! gets hit with pillow

Tensa-chan: zzzz….

2stupid: So that's why this chapter's a little strange.

Tensa-chan: hits 2stupid with pillow falls back asleep

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Pirates vs. Ninja, Part Two

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"Vhat!" cried a Durmstrang boy. "That is unfair! The Trivizard Tuhrnament is traditunally fuhr three schools! This is an outrage!"

"Shut up, Popolos," said Karkaroff. "They're a special exception."

"Fine."

"Actually, we would like to see what your skill levels here are, to give you a proper challenge," Tsunade said. "Some of us may be too strong."

"Or too weak, but sure. Popolos, since you were so loud, you can duel." _'This should be interesting,'_ the former Death Eater thought.

Popolos looked unhappy, but pulled out a… stick? ... and got into position.

"Haku," Tsunade said. "Let's see what you've got. D ranked techniques only."

Haku took out a senbon and stood opposite Popolos.

"Since you have only one weapon, I will use only one as well," the effeminate boy said.

"Votever, guhrl. Do yuu eeven haff a vond?"

"No idea what you're talking about. We don't use wands. Watch." Haku put away the (poisoned) senbon and put his hands in the customary Ram seal.

"Hyoton, chibi-Shigure no Jutsu." Ice release, Miniature Spring (?) Shower Technique. A small cloud of water condensed and began raining on Popolos, soaking him swiftly.

"Popolos, had I chosen to do the technique full force, you would be dead and unrecognizable." Haku pulled out his senbon. "As it is, you can not move. My chakra is condensing the water to something more constricting than steel." Haku threw the senbon, which landed in Popolos' right (wand) shoulder. "You can no longer use your magic, so give up."

Popolos attempted to curse Haku by switching his wand to his left hand, but Haku smoothly dodged.

"Hyoton, Hyorou no Jutsu." Ice release, Ice Prison Technique. The water around Popolos shifted into dense, blue ice. "Give up or freeze."

"Fine. Yuu vin. I vill next time, cheater."

"By the way, Popolos, I'm a boy."

"What!" the entire group of wizards and witches cried. Popolos just stared.

"Vhy am I unlucky vith the girls?" he wailed.

"Huh, whatever, girl," Draco said mockingly.

"I suggest you be quiet, or some of the more… volatile… people of this team will make sure your little stick ends up in miniature, unrecognizable pieces." Sasuke snorted, Tsunade smirked, Gaara pulled on his evil 'I'm going to kill the world' face, Kankuro smirked and reached for Karasu, Temari began doing 'maintenance' on her fan, cleaning it thoroughly of the last nin who died on it, and Sai was looking generic. The Mary Sues had decided to take Shino back to Konoha, and he vanished in a swirl of light and leaves. No one noticed. Except for the shinobi, who really didn't care.

Pirates: 0

Ninjas: 1

"They're not sticks," a bushy-haired girl said, insulted. "They're wands."

"Whatever. Seems like a lame way to use chakra. We just use our hands!" Naruto, of course. Only he can be such an idiot as to insult his hosts within five minutes of being a guest.

"Shut up!" Sakura slammed him into the floor. The shinobi sweatdropped, Naruto said "OW!", and the entire wizarding population moved back a couple of steps.

"Anyways, we would join in your Tournament. Unofficially, of course. But otherwise we would have nothing else to do," Tsunade realized something. "YAY! No paperwork! And now I don't have to deal with Training Area 44's bug problems, the escaped civilian-eating tigers, the Academy's water bill, the lack Hyuuga sparring partners, repairing the ANBU locker seals, kicking Jiraiya out of the women's baths…." The list went on.

"… address the complaints of the memorial cleaning service, kick Kakashi off the cenotaph after a few hours so they can clean the memorial, create the missions lists, and watch the Fire Lord's wife moan about her cat! Salvation!"

"I agree," Gaara said. "Baki said he's got five rooms full of paperwork for me. I'll leave him to deal."

"The only downside is that Konoha or Suna might be attacked while we're gone."

"THEY WILL NOT," intoned the Mary Sues from above. "WE WILL MAKE SURE OF THAT."

"Alright then. We take a vacation!"

"Where's the food? I'm hungry." Naruto rubbed his stomach.

"Alright then," Dumbledore said, his evil twinkling eyes of doom sparkling madly. "The food comes. Seat yourselves!"

Everyone hurried to be seated.

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So that was this chappie!

Good?

Bad?

Needs to be burned?

I should never have written it and should never write again and should delete my stories from Ultimecia's out to get you!

I might put up a Part Three. You might count on it.


	18. The Mary Sue Incidents, Part III

2stupid: Sorry for the hiatus. Our bads.

Tensa-chan: But we're back.

2stupid: With a new chapter, too.

Tensa-chan: Now, we see things back in Konoha.

2stupid: With the Mary Sues.

Tensa-chan: Muahahahaha.

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The Mary Sue Incidents, Part Three

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"Dynamite?"

"Check."

"Explosive tags?"

"Check."

"Drill?"

"Check."

"Chisel?"

"Check."

"Pick?"

"Check."

"Cloaking device?"

"Check."

"Teleporter?"

"Check."

The two Mary Sues left into the night. The Mary Sue organization could be devious, devious indeed.

Somewhere in Konoha, Umino Iruka was making a cup of tea when he heard an explosion near Hokage Tower. Jumping, he ran off with the other ninja to see what had happened.

Konoha was covered in a thick blanket of smoke. Coughing, the (disoriented from special gas in smoke) ninja ran towards Hokage Tower. Eventually reaching it, they checked thoroughly and were relieved when nothing was wrong. Everyone then set up a few squads to patrol, a few ANBU to search for the source of the explosion, and went to bed.

The ANBU and squads returned in the morning to report all was well. There was nothing suspicious going around, other than the high-level mist technique or bomb that continued to envelop Konoha in its dense pea-soup mistiness.

Up on a mountaintop, the Mary Sues were banging away, sure that the Cloaking Device was hiding the noise. They would have their revenge…

"Say, wonder why they call it the Cloaking Device when it's more of a fog machine?" one of the Mary Sues mused. Let's call her Mary.

"Don't know. Maybe because fog machine is a really lame name?" wondered the other one. Let's call her Sue.

"Probably," Mary said. Apparently Mary Sues didn't have to be smart. Because anyone would know that the Cloaking Device is the official name because that's what it's called in all the movies, books, and et cetera.

Suddenly, the ANBU squad made it out of the Cloaking Device's range—and into the Mary Sue's. They ran over to see what was going on. By now, the Mary Sues had finished.

"Stop!" cried one ANBU. Let's call him A.

"In the name of the Hokage, stop!" Cried the other ANBU. Let's call them N, B, and U, respectively.

"No!" cried Mary.

"You must not see until we unravel the Cloaking Device!" cried Sue.

"Stop immediately with your vandalism!" cried A, N, B, and U. "Especially on the Hokage mountain!"

"It's too late!" laughed Mary and Sue maniacally as they punched a certain button on the Cloaking Device.

"LET THE WORLD SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE WHO OPPOSE THE MARY SUES!!!" they roared to a startled Konoha.

There was nothing wrong. Then the Mary Sues packed their gear, and used the Teleporter to teleport away. Just then, the ANBU felt something under their feet give war.

'_Oh crap,'_ was the first thing they thought.

"OFF!" roared A to his team.

They jumped off just as the face of the Hokage mountain swung off, revealing a set of carved letters. They read,

'FUCKTARD'

_'Tsunade-sama/ Hokage-sama is going to kill me when she gets back,' _was the thought running through everyone's minds, civilian, ninja, veteran, or child.

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Jiraiya was not a happy man. He had been spying on the girls, of which there were few today. Then a great shadow had come across him and what felt like a good section of the Hokage mountain had fallen on him. So, with his brilliant lines of thinking, he decided to do the only thing his flattened and bleeding body could do. Swiping some blood, he proceeded to do a few seals and slam his hand into the ground.

POOF!

Gamabunta had appeared. Unfortunately, the Hokage mountain's face was on his back. So Jiraiya was now squashed between Gamabunta and the Shodaime's stone forehead. And Gamabunta was much harder than the ground below.

"Jiraiya!" roared Gamabunta. He shook the Hokage mountain's face (and Jiraiya) off him. "You idiot! I see no army, so don't summon me!"

Jiraiya landed in the women's baths, which was considerably fuller now. He was the unfortunate victim of many angry and confused women (and this is the female ANBU's baths) who decided to take their confusion out on him. He was in the hospital in critical condition under Shizune's care for two months until he groped her and drooled while still comatose. Proving that being a pervert is the first thing on Jiraiya's mind.

Gamabunta had miraculously attached the front of Hokage mountain back on, in which all the ANBU, Jounin, and Chuunin were utilizing Doton jutsus to make the rock firm once more. Unfortunately, the face of Tsunade (and only Tsunade) was crushed.

They decided to take a picture of her face once she came back and to work from that.

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Off in Hogwarts, Tsunade lost a bet. Dumbledore told her to go home and stay the entire two weeks of winter vacation without her age-altering genjutsu and that he would accompany her to make sure she didn't keep it on most of the summer and take it off just as they were about to leave. Tsunade wondered why she felt like she was heading off towards impending doom…

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There's the chappie! This one takes place during fifth year's winter vacation, so it's a bit of a streak to the future.

It's also short. By the way, if you want good music, listen to the first season Rozen Maiden theme song. It's really awesome.


	19. THE PLOT THICKENS

2stupid: It's been a while since we wrote the last chapter. Which you wouldn't know since we're posting these three at the same time.

Tensa-chan: We might be running out of ideas here.

2stupid: Don't worry. It'll all be fine. Muahahahahahahaha….

Tensa-chan: evil smirk Only Makori and Thor can stop us now—and they're on our side! (insert Evil Laugh ™ here)

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Reasons Why Vengeful Uchiha Should Never Meet Snake-Like Dark Lords… aka THE PLOT THICKENS aka Meanwhile, on the Dark Side, Prologue

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Uchiha Itachi was wandering around the Shinobi countries with Kisame when suddenly the Dark Lord appeared.

"I heard you wanted Kyuubi's container. I want a boy he's with," the Dark Lord said.

"And?"

"I can lead you there. If you help me."

Itachi did not like snake-like dark lords. And this one looked gay-at least Orochimaru was straight, although intel said that 'he' was getting a bit lesbianish now. Ah, the problems with a female body if you're a straight male….

"Why should Akatsuki help you if we could take the information for ourselves and use it anyways?"

"You do not command the fear and resources I do," Voldie pointed out.

"Akatsuki does not need your fear. We could simply create our own."

"As could that other, Orochimaru. We have already make a treaty, and I suggest you do so or else my Death Eaters will destroy your 'Akatsuki.' Your choice."

"You shouldn't threaten us," Kisame commented. "We could kill you before you realized it."

"And then my Death Eaters will simply reincarnate me and destroy you."

"It seems we're at an impasse," Itachi cut in smoothly. His former role as heir to his clan had given him a good grasp of diplomacy. "Therefore, create a meeting sometime in the future and summon us then." He turned and bored his Sharingan into the Dark Lord's, who, to his surprise, could not perform Legilimency on the Uchiha. "Don't dare try subterfuge, and don't dare try to read our minds. Shinobi are trained to hide them, we have mind readers of our own, and we will retaliate upon your mind should you do so."

Voldemort blinked. His Legilimency was supposed to be a secret! He blanked his expression and bowed, mentally crying his evil heart out.

"As you wish," he replied. Mentally, he reviewed his list of assets and decided to hold the meeting in Lucius' manor; it would impress the most.

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"What?" A shocked Lucius choked out. "You want me to host a convention for Dark people? Just so you may gain a few vassals or allies? Milord, might I remind you what will happen should a Ministry official wander in at the wrong time? Wouldn't a lesser-known manor like Nott's do?"

"You dare question the Dark Lord? It will be held there, and any who dare trespass shall be Obliviated. If word reaches the Ministry's ear, I shall personally give you a painful and lasting death."

"Alright, milord. It shall be done." Lucius Malfoy groveled, trying to mask his reticence to serve his lord, having a sinking feeling that something would be his downfall.

"Good." With that, Voldemort turned to apparate away. "It would be prudent to put up anti-apparition wards." He vanished.

Malfoy looked up to ascertain his lord was gone, then went out to call a house elf for a change of clothing and a bath. He only hoped his pants wouldn't stain.

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"… so the meeting is in a month," the Leader told the rest of Akatsuki. "Itachi and Sasori will go, Deidara and Kisame will back them, and Tobi will follow because he needs to learn more about being a part of Akatsuki. Also, our old friend Orochimaru has decided to team up with us after detecting a threat and instability with the new Dark Lord, as he styles himself. "

"Long time no see," Orochimaru said, smirking. "It's interesting to know how your plans will end up. I will be going with Kabuto only."

"Fine by us. Itachi, please do not provoke your former mentor. In case you are curious, you bounty is close to a billion ryo, and Akatsuki could use some more funding. Hidan, you will be observing the meeting privately and checking out anything suspicious."

"Alright. Can I pray?"

"No. No bloodshed whatsoever."

"Aw, no fun."

"_NO PRAYER_," the Leader finalized.

"… Hai." Hidan was already beginning to look depressed, several hairs escaping his slicked-back style and mini-bags forming under eyes that had lost their evil glint.

"Now that all's said and done, Akatsuki will stay inside this base, and Orochimaru gets his old room back, not that there's much left of it." The guy had burned it out when he left.

"Did you even clean up the dust?"

"Knowing you, it was probably something poisonous."

"It wasn't. And to prove it, I'll be cleaning it up myself." The evil snake man had been waiting for this chance. It was going to be nice, cleaning up the remains of Konoha with his new allies. He would even get a Sharingan-wielding container, to boot.

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That night, Orochimaru put up a dummy of him and waited for a certain vengeful Uchiha to appear. He knew that Itachi wouldn't forgive him for running away and nearly killing him all that time ago, when the nin was still thirteen and vulnerable. Even less so for nearly becoming his container- which was why Orochimaru had to include Sasuke in his machinations. The boy was extremely talented, but not a genius.

He didn't have long to wait. (for Itachi, not Sasuke.) The shorty snuck in and began stabbing him in a few anatomically important parts viciously.

"My my, Itachi. That's not a good way to treat my dummy. Besides, killing me now wouldn't help," the lesbian man said. "Besides, you shouldn't be sneaking into my bedroom at all, especially since I'm not interested in guys. And you're way too young for me even if you were available- it would be like committing pedophilia."

"Lesbian," the not-quite-adult shot back.

"I'm still a man at heart. Please don't discuss mundane matters like my container's true sex, please."

"Fuck you."

"Sorry, only interested if you're a girl and I'm a guy. Which is just the opposite." With that, he walked off whistling from the ceiling, looking for a certain leader of a S-class criminal organization. Itachi was in deep shit now. Ah, the kid always lost his temper when he felt he was wronged… it was an expressly Uchiha trait.

The next day, Itachi got chewed out by an angry Leader (Do you want to die?) in front of an amused Orochimaru.

And all too soon, it was time to leave for the convention of Dark lords. Of which only Itachi was truly qualified for.

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And that's that! The vengeful Uchiha wasn't Sasuke, after all! Did that fool you? (insert raucous laughter here)

Hello. This is us. We were going to update but have a lack of topics. AKA WE NEED INSPIRATION! PM us with your ideas, and we'll use them! Please!

Also, I looked at the last time I updated, and was like WTF… IT WAS ALMOST A MONTH AGO!! Gomen! Update today! And then my server wouldn't let me update! It was HELL! On an ice cream stick!

And now that my grades are starting to swirl in the basin, I wonder why I was working on this. Especially with 2 tests on Monday. Maybe I should just press the lever….

REVIEW!!!! Or I'll set Gin on you! And you don't want that!


	20. Kaguya Kimimaro

2stupid: Nothing to say, really. No one really donated ideas. So if you want new chappies, donate!

Tensa-chan: Pray excuse me while Thor and I plan on taking over the world.

2stupid: And Makori and I will stop you. In the name of the holy Powers That Be, I stop thee! a small wind blows.

Tensa-chan: Dammit, you gave me the -hic- hiccups! scene recedes into nameless hiccupping and squabbling.

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Kaguya Kimimaro

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In the ninja worlds, a certain beloved bone man came back to life, coughing and sputtering. He immediately detached himself from his forest of bones, walking back to his beloved master. Who was not a pedophile or gay.

Flash forward to present day September 6.

"I understand," Dumbledore said. It appears that Lucius Malfoy had used his rather considerable influence to get another student- a shinobi- enrolled. Dumbledore hadn't even been able to argue the schooling and bloodline disagreements- the boy had a perfect record and a pedigree longer than the Blacks. A spy, undoubtedly. But why? The man only needed Umbridge… Unless it wasn't Harry they were after. He rang for Tsunade.

Uchiha Sasuke looked at his schedule in distaste. Most of his classes would be useless in the real world. Honestly, who would come up and ask you about the Goblin Rebellions of 1764?

"Ahem," Dumbledore said. "I would like to introduce a new student, Kimimaro Kaguya."

The Great Hall erupted into whispers as a young, seventeen year old male with white hair, green eyes, facial tattoos, and the body of a young god walked in.

"I am Kimimaro Kaguya," he said with a languid air to a suddenly silent, tense, and expectant student population. "I was sorted into Slytherin." Immediately, boos and disappointed sighs arose.

"Hey, it's not my fault," he defended himself, his emotionless mask 'slipping' slightly. "Blame the Hat!"

Internally, he knew that he would be in Slytherin- with his target, one Uchiha Sasuke. Sauntering over, he sat next to him.

:Another shinobi?: He asked Sasuke in Japanese. :I wasn't expecting another one to be around. Are you from the Leaf?:

:Hn.: Inwardly, Kimimaro cringed and begged Orochimaru to let him perform an honorable seppuku. Sasuke was going to be harder than he thought. Even so, at least he could manipulate the other's cursed seal a little, enough to make him more docile.

"Ahem," Dumbledore said, obviously displeased. Lucius had gotten another measure through. "Since there are already too many people in the Slytherin dorm, Kimimaro Kaguya, Sasuke Uchiha, and Draco Malfoy will be moving to a smaller auxiliary dorm. Thank you."

Several dozen girls could be heard exclaiming that they wanted to share dorms with the three most eligible bachelors in Hogwarts. The shinobi sighed, feeling alert from this obvious Sound nin. (AN: Kimimaro's wearing the Hogwarts uniform with a Sound hitai-ate around his neck.)

Up in the enchanted rafters, a blue-and white Tsunade cursed quietly while refraining from the urge to sneeze. When was the last time someone had cleaned up here?

Inwardly, Kimimaro was now zipping up the fake seppuku wound on his stomach. So that piddling Dark Lord really did have some talents. Well, if he were to serve Orochimaru-sama, he would need to be alive.

:We're dorm mates now,: he told Sasuke. :Truce?:

:Hn.: Sasuke felt somehow bonded to the other guy, but distrusted him enough not to… trust him. At all.

"If we're roommates, we should speak the same language," Malfoy decreed.

"Hn."

Silence.

Across the hall, Hermione asked Shino a question.

"What did you get for the answer to question 34 on our Arithmancy homework?"

"…."

"Four? I got four too! 35?"

"………….."

"Fourteen? Me too!" And so it went.

Time skip to DADA class.

"Ahem," Umbridge said. "I would like to welcome our new student, Kimimaro Kaguya." There was scattered applause around the room. Kimimaro looked around, wishing Kabuto were around instead, but knew that Kabuto would be recognized as a traitor and executed. Not an appropriate ending to one of Orochimaru's finest minions.

"Ah, thank you, Professor," he said, imitating Kabuto relatively well by shinobi standards and like an old pro by wizarding standards. "I hope I will do well at this school and eventually work in the Ministry. My favorite activities are-" 'Killing people for Orochimaru-sama,' he thought "playing chess and reading. My hopes are" 'To become Orochimaru-sama's best minion, if I can't be his container,' "to be a good student and eventually hold a not-so-dangerous job at the Ministry where I won't put my life into jeopardy, and I just have dreams for the future."

Of course, the shinobi knew he was lying, but they were it. Even the idiot teacher was hooked.

Time skip to 8:00 PM.

:Kaguya-san,: Sasuke said, leaving the door open for an escape in case of attack. He had a suspicion those windows had been sealed shut from the intricate patterns of 'rust' on them.

:Close the door, Uchiha-san,: Kimimaro replied. :I'm not going to attack you. Or molest you.:

:Why don't I believe you?:

:You would prefer it if I simply attacked you outright instead of wearing you down. You suck at battles of attrition.:

:Hn.:

:So I was right.: He attacked, slamming the door shut and sealing it with a warding paper. Only he could remove it. Wisely, the Uchiha dodged out of immediate range of his Shikotsumyaku, and he simply aimed his fingers at the other, shooting his metacarsals easily.

Sasuke ducked, realizing he was in deep shit. The feeling only accentuated as his Sharingan told him he was being drawn into a close-range Taijutsu match, his worst possible lineup. Frantically, he used every long-range attack-keeping attack and minor jutsu he knew, knowing it would be troublesome if he destroyed anything major. Kimimaro seemed to have the same idea, and refrained from slicing or pulverizing most of the room.

Kimimaro looked at Sasuke. The boy was wearing down, as indicated by his rapid breathing. Although that could just be from the numerous small fire attacks he had suffered through. KAGUYA HATE FIRE. It's the reason they decided to settle in the Hidden Mist. He performed a high-speed move almost the equal (in speed, not distance) of the Yondaime Hokage's vaunted Shunshin. Once behind the other, Kimimaro tackled him in an amazingly risky move.

Sasuke froze as he felt himself being immobilized by strong bone.

:You would have done better in a war of attrition,: Kimimaro said. :As it is, only your bloodline makes you a candidate for Orochimaru-sama, and you are only still a candidate because of your skill making off with his summoning scroll. Where is it?:

Sasuke attempted to break free.

:Stop that,: Kimimaro scolded him mildly. :Or I'll detach myself from the bones and you'll really be stuck then.: As expected, the struggling only increased. Keeping his wrist over Sasuke's he lightly pressed the curse seal, watching it spread. In response, his own activated, and he reveled in the power, ignoring the warning twangs it was giving his body.

:Get away from me,: Sasuke snarled. :I think that Malfoy boy's coming, and I doubt you really want to inform him something's wrong.:

:Don't worry about my integrity. He's in on this. In the meantime, the cursed seal will keep you from mentioning this event to anyone.: He felt Sasuke pass out from the mental pressure the seal was putting on his mind.

:Well, that will do,: he said as he shoved the boy on a bed and retracted his bones. :I need to find a good shirt in here somewhere.:

Draco Malfoy came in to see a flushed, sweaty Kimimaro swiftly tugging a shirt on and a sleeping, equally flushed and sweaty Sasuke 'sleeping' on the bed next to him, which was rumpled from the long fight (although nothing else was touched) and came to his own conclusions.

It didn't help that somehow, Sasuke's shirt had come off.

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Poor Malfoy, Sasuke, and Kimimaro! They really have no idea what's in store for them, do they? And when will Malfoy voice his suspicions?

REVIEW!


	21. The Gleaners And The Acromantulas

2stupid: Listens to music. Sorry it's so short… Spoiler alert the next two lines.

Tensa-chan: Listens to music. It's such a hassle, putting up these long dash lines. And just so you know, Asuma's staying alive for a while here… HIDAN KILLED HIM!

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The Gleaners… and The Acromantulas

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Hogwarts should have realized that Chouji wasn't getting near enough food to maintain his pleasantly plump body weight. So of course, he would have to go find some more.

'Psst!' He whispered to Naruto in Japanese, who harbored similar feelings. 'It's time!' And of course, they were followed by a pair of evil pranksters out to destroy the world… ahem, Fred and George Weasley.

'Let's go! Yatta!' Naruto replied back in the same language. (hence the '' quotes)

"We're coming too," Fred said. (they know Japanese?) "Be prepared for it in the morning!"

And they were off, down an imaginary yellow brick road George conjured up for fun.

At the door to the kitchens, Fred tickled the pear and gained entrance. There they were greeted by house elves and stuffed with enough food to explode. (except Chouji, who simply converts it to fat right away and eats more.) Fred and George made a clandestine (secret) arrangement (deal) with the house elves.

The next day at breakfast, after the Slytherins had eaten, the guys (with the exception of the shinobi (all of them), who can detect strange tastes in their food) suddenly turned into skimpily clad models of Pamela Anderson. The girls turned into (semi-nude) black bodybuilders. Over at the Ravenclaw table (minus the shinobi), the students turned into small green garter snakes. At the Hufflepuff table, those who had eaten purple chocolate-chip cookie laxatives ran off to find the restrooms were sealed (aka everyone but the shinobi). At the Gryffindor table, birds of all shapes and sizes were soaring around the place. (except for the shinobi and Fred and George.) At the Head Table, the staff all turned into roaring demons of fury- except Umbridge, who looked like mashed toad.

"They mixed up the potions!" Fred moaned.

"The Slytherins got ours, we got Ravenclaws', the Ravenclaws got the Slytherins', the Hufflepuffs got the staff's, and the staff's got the Hufflepuffs'," George explained to the expectant shinobi.

"Well, there certainly aren't going to be any classes today," Sasuke observed. "I'm going training." He left, trailed by Neji, Kimimaro, and an exuberant Lee. ('YOSH!')

Naruto looked around, then ran off demanding Sasuke spar with him.

Kiba looked around, found Hinata and Shino, and dragged them off to a 'secret' place for some recon. After all, Kurenai was going to be furious if they didn't keep their genjutsu up to scratch. Of course, the 'secret' place involved Sasuke, Neji, Kimimaro, Lee, and Naruto. Tenten went back upstairs to get her weapons and clean them. Ino and Sakura went off to discuss beauty tips and diets, and also to discuss kunoichi training. Tenten would later join them and offer weapons tips.

Shino walked off into the forest to a place his bugs told him about…

A short while later, in the forest, he came upon a lair full of webs. Frowning, he decided to investigate further. His bugs rose around him, panicking at the spider scent all over the place, and mentally, he calmed them down. A noise in the bush caught his attention.

It was an acromantula, and a large one at that. Over twenty feet tall, it clicked its pincers at him in acromantula language.

'Who are you, to wield the kikaichu?'

'…'

'I see. Well, the acromantula are at your disposal. Even the young hotblooded ones will be wary around a kikaichu host, especially one who can control them. Ah, it was a nice time, back when the Queen was still around. But she was killed by a white-eye, you know. He's in the forest as we speak, and we fear him and his kind.'

'The Hyuuga.'

'So that's their name? Our new queen has yet to grow, but in her absence, I am the reigning leader. Until she fully grows and I die, I am the leader. To that end, I ask peace in return for a summoning contract.'

'I would have to be in possession of the contract, however.'

'Given.'

'However, I will not sign the contract.'

'What?!'

'We already have done so with the kikaichu. To sign another would be demeaning. Instead, the Aburame clan is willing to hold your summoning contract with us so it does not drop into hands of those the acromantulas do not wish to sign.'

'Deal! The new Queen will be pleased.'

'Oh, and please call off the acromantulas about to attack the kid on his way in.'

Aragog clicked at a furious rate, and soon there were new rustles in the bushes, signifying a retreat.

'I will take my leave.'

In response, the large spider pulled out a greenish-brown silk wrapped scroll and deposited it in the Aburame's hands.

'Thank you very much.' The shinobi headed off through the trees. Back in the lair, Aragog sat back, relieved in the knowledge that his colony would be safe once more.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest.

"Are you from the Kaguya clan?" Neji demanded.

"Which one? Mine was an offshoot from the original that did not have the Shikotsumyaku."

"Or the bloodthirstiness?"

"No."

"I see." The shinobi switched to Japanese.

'What do you think we should do now?' Kiba asked. 'Akamaru smells some large spiders.'

'Fight them, of course,' Kimimaro said instantaneously. 'If they intend to attack, attack right back.' He drew his wand. 'I really don't want to die. Do you?' Of course, his fighting repertoire was limited to a few basic jutsu since he claimed he couldn't use his bloodline… but incometh the wands!

'Or we could run. I doubt they could follow us through the trees, and if we go fast, we might find ourselves on the middle of the lake before anything goes wrong.'

'Assuming we can all walk on water. Akamaru can't; he's a dog!'

'Are you underestimating us?!'

At that moment, Shino buzzed in carrying a large, cylindrical package wrapped in greenish-brown silk.

'Shino! There's large spiders after us!'

'...…'

'Eleven of them?! There's more of them than there are us! How tall are they ?'

'…..'

'Five feet? Crap! We might as well be in the Forest of Death!'

'..'

'NO?! Why not?'

'…'

'That's not an answer!'

'How does Kiba know what Shino's saying?' Kimimaro asked Neji baffledly. Even he didn't know!

'Good question. It seems to be a skill you pick up after hanging around with the Aburame for a while. Maybe it's telepathy.' Kimimaro noted it down in his head. If the Aburame were telepathic, Orochimaru definitely would want to know.

'Ah, it's almost lunchtime. I can't believe we spent so much time here. I want to eat.'

'Me too,' Naruto said. 'I wonder if they have ramen now.' He lapsed into contemplative thought.

Kimimaro looked around him surreptitiously. If he were Sasuke, he'd never want to leave. However, he was Kimimaro, and his place was with Orochimaru-sama. It was perhaps the only place he could feel as he did now. (He's really not worried about getting caught!) Then he blinked. He was getting angsty.

Kiba looked around to see a blank-looking Kimimaro around.

'Hoy, You'd better beware of your fanclub! I heard them talking! Even the rumors of your being gay haven't stopped them! There's even fanboys!'

Kimimaro groaned. His life officially sucked; he was away from Orochimaru-sama, with which he enjoyed a deep PLATONIC relationship, and now he had a fanclub! It was hell! Of course, hell was probably better, since there he and his master were together and could experiment on some doomed test subject… OROCHIMARU WOULD BECOME KING OF HELL AND DEPOSE THAT IDIOT SHISHIO! (yes, that was from Rurouni Kenshin.)

Caught up in his bloodthirsty fantasies, he didn't notice as everyone else left and the spiders started creeping up…

Six hours later, at dinner, the whole Hogwarts mess was resolved and the shinobi were back. Or mostly.

"Where's Kimimaro?" Hermione asked worriedly as the shinobi sat down at a sixth table and ate. "I don't see him anywhere."

"Probably hiding from his fanclub, the git," Ron said. "He could at least share with us!"

Just then, doors opened and a red-skinned, redheaded, green eyed, wet-and-smelly robe wearing young man came in. It wasn't his fault that a rival acromantula colony had decided to jump him! At least he had disposed of their corpses, if nothing else. Besides, he had heard acromantula blood had certain properties and wanted to send a sample to sent to Orochimaru-sama.

"What happened?" Kiba asked. "Was it those spiders?"

"Rival colony," Shino explained. "I hope you didn't kill them all?"

"Nope. Only the ones that attacked. There's still a couple dozen out there. I'm off to take a shower; that Reducto curse can be nasty when used improperly."

Sasuke snorted. He knew the truth, even if he couldn't say it.

"And I'm not gay, Malfoy!" Kimimaro called back.

"Then why does your fanclub call you Kim or Kimmy? It sounds like a girl's name to me!"

"Then why does Pansy Parkinson call you 'Connie?'" Kimimaro shot back. (Malfoy's first name is DraCO) Said Connie blushed.

"I would appreciate it if you didn't go around insulting my family's name, young Mr. Kaguya," Lucius Malfoy said from the shadows.

Kimimaro looked at him the way a shinobi looks at his assassination target. Malfoy gave him the arrogant look, and Kimimaro matched it as well. Then Malfoy moved and let the reeking boy he was opposing through.

"That was one of the strangest incidents I've ever seen," Sakura murmured. "I mean, he didn't even have to use killing intent and the guy buckled! How lucky is he?" As she continued to rant, everyone but the shinobi stared at her. The shinobi let her be: she let out Inner Sakura way to rarely for them to not enjoy the usually calm, collected (lovestruck) girl to rage.

Dumbledore sighed. It seems that shinobi were raised to be crazy.

'And then your karma will run over your dogma,' a shadow figure (Kimmy) said, now cleaned of blood and having sent a large bottle to his liege lord.

'Enjoy your life while you can,' he finished, proceeding to do an evil mental laugh in his head and sweatdrop at the whole 'clichéd evilness' of it all. That was why the good won; evil wasn't innovative and therefore not extreme! They needed to be extreme! Kimimaro set off to do just that, blending into the shadows with numerous evil (and some hilarious) plans in his head… Until he was ambushed by his fanclub. Then, his screams could be heard throughout the castle as they did nameless things to him.

(Imagine that! Fangirls from Hufflepuff are more frightening than Lucius Malfoy!)

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Done! I hope you enjoyed it, there's more crack coming up. I just needed to do this to get into the way. Oh, later there will be Kimmy-bashing. By his fanclub.

I would do the evil laugh, but to me (and everyone else) it doesn't sound evil. Maybe because it's how I laugh all the time… MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ciao! Review!


	22. Sabaku no Gaara

2stupid: For some reason, we thought this was funny.

Tensa-chan: So, read! And don't blame us if Gaara comes after you!

2stupid: After all, we don't own Naruto!

Tensa-chan: Or Gaara!

2stupid: But we are Rumiko Takahashi!

Tensa-chan: It's JK Rowling, baka!

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Sabaku no Gaara

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"And this is Sabaku no Gaara," Naruto finished introducing to the Hogwarts population. He had a feeling things were about to get interesting.

"So is his name Sabaku or Gaara?"

"It's Sabaku no Gaara!"

"Exactly, so is it Sabaku or Gaara?"

"It's both!" Naruto cried just as Gaara snapped in a monotone, "It's neither."

"It's Sabaku no Gaara!"

"Sabaku… no, Gaara! I think it's Gaara!"

"I like Sabaku better!"

"Sabaku!"

"Gaara!"

"Sabaku!"

"Gaara!"

"Sabaku!"

"Gaara!"

"So, Sabaku or Gaara, whatever your name is, what should we call you?"

"Sabaku no Gaara, Ka-" He was cut off by a certain Naruto.

"His name is Sabaku no Gaara!"

"Right! Does that make it Sabaku or Gaara?"

"No! It's Sabaku no Gaara!"

"Aaargh! Where's Hermione? She'd be able to tell us whether it's Sabaku or Gaara."

"It's not our fault we suck at grammar!"

"I say it's Sabaku! No man should have a name that ends in an 'a'!"

"What?! I think Gaara's a nice name!"

"Hoy, Gaara!" Naruto whispered. "What are they talking about?"

"Usuratonkachi." Gaara was losing his temper.

"What is going on here?" Hermione asked.

"We're trying to figure out what the redhead's name is!" chorused Dean, Thomas, Sean, Parvati, Lavender, and a few other Gryffindors.

"What did he say?"

"Sabaku no Gaara," Naruto offered helpfully.

"Then call him Sabaku no Gaara."

"Wait. Does that make him Sabaku or Gaara?" A confused Lavender asked.

"It makes him 'Sabaku no Gaara!'" Hermione snapped.

"Exactly! So is it Sabaku or Gaara?"

"It's not! It's Sabaku no Gaara!"

"So it's Gaara?"

"No, it's Sabaku no Gaara!"

"But that makes it Gaara, doesn't it?"

"No, it's Sabaku!"

"Shut up!" Gaara roared in his usual 'I'm going to kill you' monotone. "It's 'Sabaku no Gaara.' It means 'Gaara of the Desert,' but you can call me Kazekage-sama and only Kazekage-sama."

"Yatta," Naruto complained. "You're not in the Hidden Sand!"

"I'm still the Kazekage."

"So what does Gaara mean?" one particularly foolish girl asked.

Gaara got a distant look, reminded of his evil uncle Yashamaru.

"Demon who loves only himself," Hermione answered.

"He's a demon?" A confused girl asked. "I thought demons had horns."

In Naruto's belly, Kyuubi took affront.

"Demons do not have horns!" Parvati argued shrilly.

In Gaara's head, Shukaku was also taking affront.

"DEMONS DO NOT HAVE HORNS!!!" The two (now possessed) jinchuuriki roared.

"Call me Kazekage-sama!" Gaara snapped, releasing enough killing intent to make the people see a picture of evil Shukaku behind him.

Lavender was the first to recover. "How did you do that?" she squealed. (not very bright, eh?) "That was awesome!"

Shukaku snapped, and soon people were running away from sand.

Naruto simply watched, laughing his crazy ass off. (He's still possessed by Kyuubi, remember.)

In the end, it finally took a group of powerful Mary Sues from nowhere to stop the 'fight'.

Yep, it life was going to be very interesting. Naruto put his arms behind his back and walked away whistling.

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And that's my chappie! In case you didn't get it, they thought that Naruto was saying that Gaara's name was 'Sabaku' and then changing it to 'Gaara.' (Yes, we all love the psychopathic killer in Gaara. Now review or I'll set him on you!)


	23. Adeste Fidelis ORO!

2stupid: Hi. Our sister is having a tantrum right now.

Tensa-chan: The bad thing is, she 's right next to me.

2stupid: Honestly, that reprobate.

Tensa-chan: Yes, that idiot.

2stupid: Someone, please donate ideas!

Tensa-chan: We kinda need them!

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Adeste fidelis… ORO?!

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Yes, it was an unusual time to be at Hogwarts. For one, a large group of dangerous ninja were lazing around the place, acting like big hotshots. For another, they were big hotshots. And more than that. The entire Akatsuki organization had built a new base in the Forbidden Forest, and a dangerous-looking black tower gazed towards the castle.

Luckily, they were contained by a containment field… the one taken from the Mary Sue, as it turned out. That, and a concealment device.

A crow cawed. The woods were silent. Voldemort, Orochimaru, and Akatsuki's new base provided the source of an eerie silence that had taken over whole swathes of forest.

"Got it," one Uchiha Itachi said. "But why my stupid younger brother? It's not like he's a Jinchuuriki or anything."

Voldemort looked at the seventeen-year-old patiently, for a change. "We also want the Hyuuga and Haku. Anyone with a Kekkei Genkai, as it turns out. The Akatsuki must eliminate Kekkei Genkai to weaken the ninja villages."

"Who told you that?" Itachi asked. It seemed as if Voldemort and Orochimaru had become Akatsuki members themselves… they were even wearing the cloak! (In Oro's view, again!)

"Well, it's life. We do want ninja to rule, right?"

"Of course!" Itachi looked slightly offended. He wished only to be alone, so no one could bother him. Of course, Akatsuki had offered that to him, even with Kisame. After all these years, the shark was trained not to interrupt the other unless the world was ending, the villages had decided to band together to hunt Itachi and were three steps behind Kisame, or the Leader called.

The leader was a powerful ninja.

"Let's go, mudblood!"

Itachi looked at the other. "My blood's purer than yours."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. I have a pedigree longer than my arm."

"You're short, you know. And you're arm's not that long. Besides, the Black family has one ten feet long."

"Is it in miniature print so small you need the Sharingan to see it?"

"No." It wasn't his fault he was half-blood!

"See?" Feeling he had proven his point, Itachi wandered off. Voldemort felt like summoning a snake or two to attack him, but realized that he would just be wasting precious resources.

"Let's go, Voldemort," Itachi called, striding towards the castle. "I want to infiltrate the castle before dawn, not dusk." The Dark Lord looked at the other once more.

"Fine!" he called. The only reason he was doing this was to get rid of Potter, after all. After, he could be rid of this annoying nuisance-permanently.

"Hurry up!" Itachi called back. The only reason he was doing this was to get the Kyuubi, after all. After, he could be rid of this annoying nuisance-permanently. With a sigh, he walked off faster, not allowing the other to catch up to him. "Ahou!"

Of course, Voldie didn't know that that was an insult.

The two of them walked over to the castle, somehow bypassing the Mary Sues' cloaking device (Itachi's got contacts) while Itachi pulled on his old ANBU costume. Voldemort raised an eyebrow at the… revealing costume. Unfortunately, he was gay. And even Orochimaru wasn't- he still had the hots for one of the enemy, for heaven's sake! And said enemy was already a wrinkly old lady!

Elsewhere, Tsunade sneezed and put a voodoo curse on whoever was talking about her.

"Yare, yare," Ino sighed. "Sakura, your hair is a mess. What did you do- turn into a dog?"

"Hai," Sakura answered in Japanese. "A very large dog."

"What?!"

"Just joking."

Ino simply coughed lightly. She had already seen one wizard turn into a dog, and wasn't surprised if more could do it.

Shikamaru and Chouji walked by on their way to the Astronomy tower to cloudgaze, holding what looked like enough food to last them a week.

Although, concerning Chouji's eating habits, it would be gone in about four seconds flat.

"Where're you going?" Ino asked them distractedly, going for the bleach.

"Roof," Chouji answered.

A few hours later, Sakura's hair was bleach-blonde, Chouji and Shikamaru had gotten a house elf to send food up to them, and Itachi and Voldemort had reached the castle. The alarm went off.

"Holy shit!" Ino gasped, panicking. "We're being attacked!" She ran out into the hallway, still holding a large bottle of bleach. Unfortunately, she ran right into Itachi, and the bottle went flying.

Ino and Itachi could only watch, horrified, as the bottle's cap flew off as it rotated in the air and gracefully fell in a trajectory straight at Itachi's head.

SPLASH!

Itachi's hair was now getting a bleach job.

Up at the astronomy tower, Shikamaru and Chouji had somehow managed to scare the (bleep) out of Voldemort, who was now afraid of shadows. He jumped off the roof, and the ninja duo went back to eating and watching the clouds.

Kimimaro looked out at the window and sighed. They were nowhere as good Orochimaru-sama's sound four had been.

Back at the Akatsuki/Death Eater/Otogakure base, the Akatsuki leader was haranguing Itachi, who now had white-blond hair paler than even Malfoy's, about his lack of ability to get things done.

Just then, a runner came up, holding a letter in his hand.

"What?" an already irate leader asked.

Trembling, the man held up the letter. It was a bill for a bleach job by a certain Yamanaka Ino. The Akatsuki leader's resulting fury shook Hogwarts to its foundation, and Slytherin's jaw fell off and rolled over the basilisk's dead body.

Meanwhile, Voldemort was creating orders to paint his rooms white, leave lamps or whatnot on for maximum light, and have his Death Eaters wear white and meet in a brightly illuminated room, thanks to Shikamaru's shadow-related jutsu and genjutsu.

Malfoy, who had to foot the bill, was nearly crying at the expenses.

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If you're curious, Adeste Fidelis is Latin for 'O come all ye faithful' and Oro is a Japanese word that means 'What?' (according to Nobisuke Wabishiro or whatever his name is The Rurouni Kenshin manga-ka)

Also, I won't be updating until I get at least 1 decent idea... and no, having characters raid kitchens is not good enough. But it's a great idea and will be in one of my chapters... it was just too short. Sorry.

And have a Merry Christmas.


	24. Half Breeds

2stupid: Here is our first 'request', from flowers of ice.

Tensa-chan: Your request was:

Will there be a chapter in which Umbridge freaks out when she finds out about Shino's bugs and the demons in Gaara and Naruto

2stupid: Sure. We'll even include a chapter in which she meets Orochi in a forest! Utter trauma!

Tensa-chan: Here it is: Read and Review!

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Half Breeds

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"Remind me why we're doing this again?" Naruto whined. It was… time for DADA! Or it would be in around twelve hours. The toadlike woman Umbridge made Naruto want to summon Gama Bunta to ask him if he could discipline his wayward pupil.

Truly, it wasn't his fault that the toad-bitch taken a walk and seen Shino's bugs and the two Jinchuuriki's demonic forms. And then to have done some research and confronted a few teachers…

"Kakashi is sooo dead," He promised himself. "I will kill him, bring him back from the dead, and kill him again. Painfully. Then I will send him to the deepest pit of the seven hells."

"Interesting wish," Gaara said. "But we need to do damage control. How long until she reveals all to her benefactor? How long until-"

"We understand, Kazekage-sama," Shino said. It was currently midnight, and the three boys were meeting at the top of the Astronomy tower. "We're lucky she hasn't seen Uchiha's Sharingan or Nara's Kagemane. Those would make her panic from their connotations with evil in those society and we would all have been forsworn."

"True," Gaara considered. "I understand. Luckily, she has no idea on the true darkness and power of the Jinchuuriki. Otherwise, we would have been forsworn nonetheless. What do you think, Naruto?"

"Stop using big words!" the blond said. "I have no idea what they mean!" He pouted.

"I'm hungry," Shino said suddenly.

"Me too," Gaara added even more suddenly.

"I'm hungry! Let's go raid the kitchens! Fred and George showed me where they were last time! They even have ramen as good as Ichiraku's!"

"Hai, hai," the other two muttered as they followed the blond. "We understand. Meeting adjourned."

Which raises the question… does Naruto think of anything besides ramen?

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Kyuubi stared at the ramen in front of him. It was a dream! Gods bless the house elves of Hogwarts! (How else do you think Naruto got to love ramen? I heard the Yondy liked fishcakes.)

"Itadakimasu!" Naruto promptly dug in. Gaara and Shino followed at a more sedate pace.

TIME SKIP TIME SKIP TIME SKIP TIME SKIP TIME SKIP GUNDAM!?

Three hours later, a whopping 1.5 million bowls of ramen had been eaten. Gaara and Shino, having eaten 30 each, lay on the floor with bloated stomachs. Naruto, however, was still going at it; Kyuubi had taken over, and after each bowl found its way to Naruto's stomach, it was transported directly to Kyuubi's. Fasting for fifteen years after a short snack of half Konoha's shinobi after a millennium of sleep made him a bit peckish.

"Master Naruto, Master Naruto, sir!" One elf finally squeaked after the count rose to 1.6 million. "We is out of food, sir!"

"That's okay," Kyuubi said. "I'm feeling better now. Please do not tell anyone we ate it all or I will personally get everyone here sacked." With that, he dragged the other two off.

By now, Shukaku had pretty much the same idea and had taken the ramen from Gaara's stomach. Shino's bugs had found a liking to it, too.

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"Why is there no food?" cried Umbridge, looking distressed. More like a toad in the rain. "WHY?!?!" Didn't you know she had to drink at least one cup of milk a day to keep from turning into a frog?

"It has all vanished, Miss!" a poor house elf cried. "It has all vanished!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Umbridge shrieked. No, she will not be turning into a frog. That was a joke. "Go and butcher the giant squid! Now!" The house elf left to do her bidding.

"Yes, Miss!" the house elf cried, and vanished.

"It's time for class, students!" she cried in her false falsetto.

"Yes, Professor Umbitch," the entire student body replied dully. There were quite a few conspiracy theories around that claimed that she had eaten it all and that was why she was so fat.

"Good!" Umbridge said, beaming. Obviously, she hadn't heard the Umbitch remark. "Of you go now, children!"

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"Do not faint on me just because you lack food," Umbridge said. Only the shinobi were satisfied: they had trained to operate on no food, sometimes for weeks, and anyway they had rations and soldier pills. Heh.

"But we don't," Naruto complained. "We-" He was muffled by Gaara.

"Yes," Shino agreed. "We ate our shoes."

Umbridge gagged.

"Ware!" Shino cried suddenly, fifteen minutes later. "My bugs need to poop!"

"What?!" the shinobi cried as they ran out of the classroom, locking the door behind them.

Shino raised his hands, and a swarm of insects flew out. There was complete, dead silence for the next fifteen minutes as insect waste matter flew in a blizzard around the room. Only Shino and a six-inch radius around him were untouched.

"AAAAHHHH!" screamed the class as they tried to run out.

"AAAAAAHHHH! Filthy half-breed!" Umbridge cried, then fainted. She looked like a rock in a seagull-infested area. (aka. White and covered with dung.)

Outside, Naruto, Gaara, Kyuubi, and Ichibi were enjoying the screams. Shino teleported next to them and enjoyed it as well.

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Umbridge was hospitalized indefinitely. She continues to have strange dreams in which Shino pours insects from his hands and Naruto and Gaara turn into demons. It is wondered where the other two parts of her nightmares come from, but it is probably Kyuubi and Shukaku's doing.

On a happier note, none of the others were traumatized (by shinobi standards, anyway) and it is highly unlikely that Umbridge will ever meddle in other peoples' lives, much less teach again. Oh wait. That's the wrong term; it should be 'wastes time'.

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This chapter was so short! And if six months go by and I don't get any suggestions, than I will post a 'Umbridge meets Sannin' chapter and a 'Naruto characters go home after the Umbridge debacle, leaving the wizards to deal with the aftermath and whole mess. And the whole affair of Tsunade's new face on the Hokage monument' chapter.


	25. The Chamber of Secrets

2stupid: YO! flowers of ice has just given us another idea.

Tensa-chan: Naruto sneaks out at night, ends out Myrte's toilet while hiding from prefects and discovering the chamber of secrets.

2stupid: We are happy to oblidge!

Tensa-chan: And after this is our Oreo-sama meets Umbridge…

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The Chamber of Secrets

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Naruto was planning his latest prank with the ghost who haunted the toilets.

"Got it, Myrtle?" he chuckled.

"Yep!" she said happily. She then proceeded to tell him about the strange chamber found by a couple students a few years back.

"Awesome, Myrtle! Wanna go explore with me?"

"Sure! It's behind that sink!"

And Naruto, unlike any other person, took her words for fact and proceeded to use a Rasengan to demolish the sinks, leading to a long, slimy tunnel.

"Eew!" he cried. "It stinks!"

"Let's go!" Myrtle squealed, whooshing down the slide.

"Eek!" Naruto said as he tripped over some completely random piece of debris and fell headfirst down the hole…

"It's so dark in here!" Naruto said. "Come on, let's go!" With that, the two intrepid explorers set off across the grand carpet of dessicated bones toward their fate off on the horizon…

Yeah.

They walked, and walked, and walked, until, finally, Naruto spotted something.

"Sugoi! It's a snakeskin!" Which brought up the question, "Hey, Myrtle, if you're a ghost, why don't you just float instead of walk?"

"Why does everybody make a big deal of my being dead?!" the ghost wailed before soaring through the ceiling out of sight. Of course, the idiot blond simply stood there and stared in awe.

"SUGOI!" he cried, only to be shut up by an irritated Kyuubi. "Do you think they'll have any super-powerful AAA-rank jutsu scrolls down here?" He wondered. "Or even better, some sort of secret ramen stash!"

Only Naruto would put ramen ahead of learning new techniques. He eventually encountered a long, hard wall decorated with a snake symbol. He simply blasted it apart with a Rasengan in search of ramen (Naruto, not the Rasengan).

He ignored the dead snake ("Manda's bigger," he muttered) and instead climbed over into Slytherin's mouth in search of his precious.

What he found was anyone's dream; there was a ramen palace! Inside were fully operational ramen machines in every flavor imaginable. There was everything from banana to chili pepper. Obviously, Slytherin loved his ramen. What's more, he found that the machines were moveable and that there were also scrolls of how to make ramen!

Who knew Slytherin was so obsessed with ramen? There were even statues of the stuff! Naruto spent a few moments staring, before going off and stuffing his face out. You see, when Slytherin had been around, the place had been named 'The Chamber of Ramen Secrets' but had later been shortened down to 'The Chamber of Secrets.' Slytherin had sent the basilisk out to guard his ramen, not kill off all the non-purebloods.

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Orochimaru was walking toward his ancestor's Chamber when he encountered a short woman.

"Filthy half-breed!" she screeched. "How dare you enter our halls!"

"I'm pureblood, thank you very much," Orochimaru said absentmindedly, wondering if he could just throw her out the window… he had spotted those students sneaking off campus earlier. Mind made up, he threw her out the window- they were only on the second floor, but she still broke a few things – even with all her lard!- and sent Manda after her. One sacrifice down, ten more left. Of course, the woman ran towards the forest, where she encountered the centaur herds… the rest is history, except for the fact that Manda ate Bane the centaur instead, moving on to Grawp, where they held Ragnarok. (AN: I believe Ragnarok is the Norse mythology for the end of the world… it involves giants and large snakes.) As it was, Orochimaru was surprised the toad lady could run so fast…

Shrugging, Orochimaru made his way towards the Chamber.

He entered to find that that Kyuubi brat Naruto- incredible ramen ingredient, but impalatable otherwise- had gotten there before him, using the Rasengan.

"Isn't that considered breaking and entering?" he complained to whatever judicial deity was out there. Of course, considering he was a wanted criminal, that didn't get him very far.

He entered the ramen palace to find Naruto there, already having eaten many, many bowls of ramen.

"EEK! It's the Hebi-teme!" Naruto cried. (Hebi-teme snake bastard ) "I challenge you to a contest!"

"If I win, I get Sasuke!" Orochimaru answered. He had been the ramen-eating champion and had been experimenting on improving his ability to eat ramen and the effects of different experimental flavored ramen on his test subjects before he had gotten caught.

"If I win, you leave Sasuke alone forever!" Naruto shot back, grabbing a large bowl of ramen. Orochimaru did likewise.

"Begin!" they both cried as they dug in.

A few hours later, a record of 5.5 million bowls of ramen had been eaten, and both of them had slightly distended stomachs.

"Tie," they groaned. "Now I have to train it all off."

"Well, since we tied, we are at a standstill. Next week?" Orochimaru asked. He rather enjoyed ramen-eating contests.

"Sure!" Naruto cried. "Let's see about getting you back to Konoha for Ichiraku's!"

"Sure!" Orochimaru cried. "But first, let's divide the ramen scrolls, unless you want to make copies."

"I did!" Naruto said. "I wrote them all down on my jacket!"

"I get the original!" Orochimaru cried, jubilant. "Ja ne!" With that, he poofed out to… god knows where, most likely to share his new ramen recipes with his cousin, Voldemort.

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As for the end of this particular drabble, Orochimaru and Voldemort were given amnesty and became five-star ramen chefs. Orochimaru became Ichiraku's apprentice and lived happily (not quite) ever after. Voldemort dismantled his Horcruxes now he didn't need to go on a long and exhausting search for his precious ramen scrolls and joined the Hogwarts staff as the head of culinary arts. Of course, no one ever got sick of the ramen- there were too many possibilities, and soon Hogwarts became famous for its ramen.

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THE END!!!

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Okay, I don't know whatever possessed me to write that, but I rather like it. Now, reviewers get ramen!

I am also planning to do a drabble on when the shinobi leave, but that's me. Until then, JA NE!


	26. Hermione

2stupid: Hello. This is a story inspired by another HP Naruto fic I read.

Tensa-chan: Unfortunately, we don't remember the name of author or fic.

2stupid: Besides, it was just an anecdote in there.

Tensa-chan: So just read and enjoy. Ignore the parallels with 'Sabaku no Gaara.'

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Hermione

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"So what's your name?" Naruto asked.

"Ron," Ron said.

"Harry," Harry said.

"We have another friend too, but she's gone. Her name is Hermione."

"Heru-mai-oni?"

"No. It's Her-my-oni."

"She's your demon?" Naruto asked. "You're a jinchuuriki?"

"No!"

"Waah! She's a demon!" Naruto ran around screaming. For the rest of the day, people could be heard running from a crazed blond boy wearing a violent shade of orange screaming about a demon.

Malfoy was displeased when he was nearly knocked out of the Divination classroom by a Naruto who came in the window. He didn't even hear what the other boy was saying before he was knocked down the trap door and ended up in the hospital wing for a concussion, broken legs, and fractured neck. He may never walk again.

Hermione, who was also in the room, sighed in exasperation and went to explain things to the Jinchuuriki.

(((TIME SKIP: 'TIS MAGIC!)))

"So your name is Her My Oni?" Naruto asked. "That's a stupid name, if you ask me."

"Well, my mother was named Helen," Hermione said. (AN: I know she's not, but let's pretend for the sake of humor and artistic license that she is, OK?)

"What's that got to do with anything?" Naruto asked stupidly.

Hermione sighed. "Never mind." Of course these people wouldn't know about ancient Greek legends. Nonetheless, she couldn't stifle a soft thought of 'Ignoramus.'

"Oh, I think I remember Iruka-sensei mentioning something about that," Naruto said as if he had made the greatest breakthrough of all time. For him, he probably had. "But I was sleeping that time, heh." He rubbed the back of his head in confusion and consternation. Not that he would know what consternation was.

This time, Hermione thought, 'Doofus.' Not that she would ever say that out loud, for more reasons than one. Or two. Or probably three.

"So? It's all cleared up?" Ron asked. At their affirmations, he nodded sagely. "Good. Of course you would."

"So, have you finished our Potions essay?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah. Just check it, will you?"

"Sure." Ron handed her the essay.

"Hey Ron?" Hermione asked after a while. "Why does your title say 'S.A. on Moonstone'?"

"Because it's my essay!" Ron said proudly. "Hey, Hermione, do you know what 'S.A.' means?"

"I was hoping you would tell me," Hermione said sourly. "And it's spelled 'essay,' not 'S.A.'" (AN: This really happened to someone. But not me; it was before my time.)

Time passed, and Hermione and co. went to Astronomy. Naruto was fascinated by the telescopes.

"Hey, I can see your anus!" Naruto said, pointing the telescope in an entirely inappropriate direction. Ron, who was looking the other way, trying to find Uranus, looked at them.

"Hey, can I see Uranus too?"

We'll leave it up to you to figure out what happened next.

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There we go! It's such a short chappie… not even two full pages. Almost, though. And the Uranus thing is also not mine. 'Joke' only works if said (Uyu – A – us). (Ur-anus)


	27. Sharingan no Doujutsu

2stupid: Another request. This time from Karin Kinomoto.

Tensa-chan: 'Do an Umbridge meet sic Itachi XDMaybe…Itachi gets pissed off at her for insulting his Sharingan eyes and trapsher sic in the Tsukuyomi sic XD' Sure. We'll do it. In fact, it's right here.

2stupid: Read and Review.

Tensa-chan: BTW, when I added sic to the quote, that means I have copied it faithfully from your review and bear no responsibility for misspelling, bad grammar, etc.

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Sharingan no Doujutsu

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The truth was, Uchiha Itachi was very proud of his Sharingan. He absolutely loved them. He loved them so much it bordered on obsession. Of course, it was an obsession, so we don't know about that. Well, at least he wasn't a fifty-odd year old snake man and actually owned a pair of these marvelous eyes. Anyone insulting his magnificent Sharingan was deeply in hot water, manure, and trouble. Sometimes literally. Like that poor guy who got tossed into a manure pile. Or the little old lady down the street who was drowned in a pool… but we digress.

So, when Umbridge, who he rescued from a group of pissed-off centaurs, promptly insulted his lovely Sharingan, Uchiha Itachi (and Orochimaru, Konoha, and just about anyone else who knew about the Sharingan) was pissed. And Itachi possessed the ultimate torture weapon; Mangekyou Sharingan, Tsukiyomi.

They appeared in a red-and-black nightmare version of the demonic forest around them. Umbridge shrieked and promptly tried to run, although she never got anywhere. It was like trying to outrun a wolf in the middle of the forest while you were on a treadmill. Or a cheetah. Or something fast. Like the Weasleys' car. Not that the car would ever chase anyone. Whatever.

Point is, Umbridge was about to go through Hell.

"From the next two hundred forty hours, you will be chased, caught, and eaten by a group of killer centaurs," Itachi said emotionlessly. "Let the fun begin." Just for the heck of it, he watched to count the different ways one could be caught and eaten by wild centaurs. Eventually, he came to a total of twenty four before he was forced to repeat his methods.

A few milliseconds later in real life, Umbridge was out cold. Itachi walked into the centaur village, camp, herd, whatever you call it, and deposited her there with a slight explanation on what he had just done. Not that 'stuck her in a time-stretching jutsu while having killer centaurs eat her' endeared him to the centaurs, who returned to staring at the stars. Itachi ignored the drool pooling under them.

"You're welcome," he said, slightly offended.

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Okay, short chappie. Luckily, I'm posting this with another one. Or two. Or three.


	28. Sexy Poltergeist no Jutsu

2stupid: Oh, yay! The third chapter in this four-chapter post! I wonder if anyone reads these?

Tensa-chan: Of course they do! Where else do we get the reviews?

2stupid: Well, on a different note, these fics were delayed because the day I intended to post them, I went to class. Sixty miles away. And then, the car broke down. So we waited forever to get it towed to a friend's house. Then we waited for two hours until we could actually get home, which, even exceeding the speed limit, was a really, really, long time.

Tensa-chan: On a lighter note, let's see. flowers of ice submitted another request. 'make Naruto teach Peeves the Sexy no Jutsu.'

2stupid: Kami-sama, we're doomed.

Tensa-chan: Read and Review. I disclaim any trauma that might occur from reading anything here.

2stupid: Tensa-chan! Don't say that! You'll scare away the readers!

Tensa-chan: Oh, and we own Harry Potter but not Naruto. That's why we posted this on Fanfiction. And why, in a fit of anger and insanity, we named the seventh book 'Harry Potter and the Dangerous Hallows.' Yeah right. Just read while we do our finals.

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Sexy Poltergeist no Jutsu

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Peeves was in a bad mood, something that didn't usually happen. Not only was his position as troublemaker usurped by that blond ninja idiot, but he was being replaced by some bratty twit of a poltergeist.

Well, he'd show her.

"Teach me," he begged Naruto. God, even the brat's name was funny! And funny!

"Sexy no Jutsu!" And Peeves had a new trick. He zoomed off cackling as Naruto looked at him in confusion and consternation.

----------------------------------------((Time Skip! 'Tis magic!))--------------------------------------------

Well, all throughout the school year Peeves scared the shit out of boys, especially in the bathroom, when he appeared as a black-haired beauty. Some incidents were…

--------------------((Ron in the bedroom))---------------------------

"AYAGH!!!" Ron cried as he fell off his bed, rolled across the room, tumbled down the stairs, and out the portrait hole. And didn't stop until he reached Aragog's lair. And was saved by the Ford Angela once again.

------------------((Malfoy in the bathroom))------------------

"AAAGH!" Malfoy cried, then fainted into the urinal he was using. When he came to, the girl was wearing a Hogwarts uniform.

"I'm sorry," the girl said, giving him a demure look. "But they recently made this the girls' bathroom. They changed the sign already."

"Whatever, Mudblood! Just leave me alone!" Malfoy grabbed his books and ran out. It wasn't until he reached class that he realized he was buck naked. Professor McGonagall was very displeased with his streaking and took off fifty points, gave him a month of detentions, called home, and got him a Howler from his parents.

And since Malfoy had told Peeves 'leave me alone,' they never found his favorite acromantula silk-lined robe, fine linen shirt, Egyptian cotton pants and boxers, or underwear, details unspecified.

The underwear was found stuck to the end of a flagpole flying from the astronomy tower. The rest was showered on unsuspecting Slytherins onto their feast. Needless to say, Malfoy was suspended. It's the real reason he won't be attending the Seventh Year at Hogwarts.

--------------((Harry and Hermione in the Common Room (with 50 other Gryffindors)))-------------

Let's have a moment of silence, shall we?

-------------((Moaning Myrtle))-------------

She took to him, and they became best mischievous ghost couple of the century. Myrtle learned the ups of being ghostly, drove out Peeves' replacement, and was well on her way to becoming a poltergeist.

--------------------((Naruto))--------------------------

Naruto was thanked by Peeves and Myrtle, who were happy with their new lives. Everyone else was after his blood, and he abdicated his ninja position in Konoha and ability to become Hokage to run off to Sasuke, Orochimaru, and the best ramen in the world. Teuchi and Ayame (the ramen stand people) ran off with him to learn the uber-secret ramen techniques.

All in all, life was fairly interesting.

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Short chappie too, but I gotta write four of these! Please review and make my fingers feel appreciated… It's 32 degrees Fahrenheit (0 Celsius) and I'm sitting here IN SHORTS!!!, typing with my frozen fingers… I need to go and get something amputated, I know it, because our heater broke. Brrr!


	29. Quidditch 1: Slytherin

2stupid: Four chapters in a single update…

Tensa-chan: Wow.

2stupid: This one is from Tacky76: 'Do one chappie for me where they learn to play Quidditch!' Thy wish has been granted.

Tensa-chan: Alrighty ho, here's the list of players:

Ninja team 

Neji- seeker

Temari- goalie

Gaara, Kimimaro- beaters

Sasuke, Kankuro, Shino- chasers

Songs listening to while playing:

Lonely no more, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Love Me Right, Kryptonite, Join the Black Parade, Simple and Clean Kinjirareta Asobi.

2stupid: What was the songs list for?

Tensa-chan: I noticed other authors doing this. Anywho, we own Harry Potter but not Naruto, so we're posting this on Fanfiction. That's why the seventh book is titled 'Harry Potter and the Dangerous Hallows.' Yeah right.

2stupid: Wow! You did the disclaimer!

Tensa-chan: vein I did it last chapter, too!

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Quidditch 1: Slytherin. (there will be four section/chapters, one on each team. The others may not ever get published. Gryffindor may have a long section on a Neji-Harry snitch moment.)

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"So, we are now the official Ninja Quidditch Team," seven shinobi in a huddle chanted emotionlessly like good shinobi. They consisted of Neji, Temari, Gaara, Kankuro, Sasuke, Shino, and for some reason, Kimimaro, who had appeared out of thin air. ('I thought you were dead,' Gaara said. 'Not likely,' Kimimaro replied.)

"Let's play." They destroyed all game plans and any identifying characteristics (excluding bodily appearances) like good shinobi before six of them grabbed brooms and walked out. They all wore black robes slit in front, back, and sides. The sleeves ended in fingerless gloves, and long scarves covered their faces and heads. You could tell Gaara and Temari apart due to their respective weapons and Kimimaro because he was so tall. Shino buzzed slightly ominously, Neji and Sasuke's eyes looked like demonic red and black or white glints deep in their scarf-hoodies' openings, and Kankuro was the one left out.

"Let's go!" Slytherin cheered, as did the rest of the school, even the Gryffindors, who had chosen the lesser of two evils.

The Slytherin team was surprised when they realized the opposing team had no captain. "They'll be a pushover," seemed to be a common consensus. The two teams took flight… or rather, thirteen players did. The fourteenth uncorked some sand and rose into the air surrounded by the stuff. The game began.

Within the first few minutes, the school realized it was going to be _the_ bloodiest game in Hogwarts history.

It all started when Crabbe aimed a ball at Gaara. Said bludger was intercepted by sand and launched in Goyle's direction, followed by a sand claw for Crabbe. Thus, the Slytherin beaters were out of the game.

Elsewhere, Kankuro was using chakra strings to steal the quaffle and send it through the Slytherin goals. Sasuke used his Sharingan to tell Kankuro where the balls were going and where to attach the strings. Shino used his bugs and Gaara his sand to blind the opponents. Kimimaro pulled out a few bones and scared the female members (and a few male ones) senseless. The few times the ball actually got to the Ninja goalposts, a leisurely (by shinobi standards) Kamaitachi blew it away to be caught by a ninja.

Eventually, Neji got rather bored of watching his team mates trounce the others (sometimes literally), activated his Byakugan, and caught the Snitch. Then he used a neat Kaiten to deflect whatever objects unhappy people were throwing at him for being anticlimactic; the moment he caught the Snitch, the rest of the shinobi stopped mid-blow (in Gaara's case, just about to squish Malfoy with his sand) and flew off.

Neji dismounted several hundred feet off the ground to rejoin his team mates. Kankuro used a chakra string to retrieve the broom, and they went off with a 'successful mission'.

Final score? 19940 to 0.

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Thank me for writing this on dog watch in sub-zero temperatures without heat! Review! And I'm supposed to be living in a desert! (How'd it get so f---ing cold?!)


	30. Smoking is bad for you

2stupid: And here is another request, again from Foxic Cherii.

Tensa-chan: I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE CHAPTER WHERE SHIKAMARU SMOKES.

2stupid: Will do. This chapter is dedicated to you and poor Asuma…

Tensa-chan: In fact, you're reading it.

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Smoking is bad for you.

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Shikamaru had landed himself into some troublesome trouble.

He had copied Asuma's smoking habit out of respect for his dead mentor, but this was a little out of it.

He was in the hospital wing, listening to the nurse, Madam Pomfrey, lecture him on the bad parts of smoking and how Asuma had provided a bad example. Not being a particularly angsty teen (it was by far too troublesome), Shikamaru simply ignored her lecture and stared out of the window at a sky that was particularly blue and semi-cloudy, planning how to attack and destroy Hidan and Kazuku.

The only reason he was at Hogwarts at all was to get help in capturing the nukenin.

"Are you listening to me?" the nurse demanded. Of course, despite the fact that Shikamaru was a shinobi, he was paying her no attention at all.

"Listen to me, you big brat!" the nurse shrieked, attempting to grab him by the wrist. Bad move. Like we said earlier, Shika-kun's a shinobi. Shinobi do like to be able to have their hands and wrists free to do hand seals and throw sharp, pointy, interesting objects at each other.

So Shikamaru did the right thing any shinobi would do. He threw Madam Pomfrey out the window.

Outside, half the Hogwarts population watched as the school nurse went flying out the window of the infirmary and into the lake, where she was tossed out by the giant squid.

Apparently, the giant squid did not like the taste of antiseptic and nurse in its lake water. Or maybe it just wanted to help. Who knows.

In any case, Madam Pomfrey ended up as a resident of her own infirmary with several (cough15cough) broken ribs, a broken leg (femur), a shattered shoulder bone (left), a cough, and pneumonia. (not to mention the psychological damage…)

Everyone but the shinobi, who were used to this kinda stuff, was shocked and in awe and swore to never anger a shinobi. Ever. The shinobi, on the other hand, reminisced about their first Chuunin Exams and the crazy redhead now (thankfully sane) known as Kazekage-sama. Or 'nii-san'. Or 'friend'. Or- but you get the point.

Since the school nurse was out of commission, Dumbledore hired Ino to take the job. So for the next four months, the trio worked at it, saving enough money to buy a super-special Hidan-and-Kazuku-killing magical machine-thingamajigger. Shikamaru mostly spent his time in the hospital wing, smoking, just in case he caught lung cancer or something. It would be too troublesome to have to make his way there otherwise. Also, it was just too troublesome to get out of bed and go do something when he could just lie there, stare at the clouds, and do nothing.

By the end of the four months, by dipping into their combined clan savings and all the rest of the money they could find (including hacking into the Swiss banks Shikamaru did that part.), they managed to pay the exorbitant price that was demanded (and a money-back guarantee!).

The thingamajigger? One Dark Lord, several thousand Death Eaters, numerous tens of thousands of Dark creatures, and one manual. Yep. Fairly effective.

By the time school let out, Kazuku and Hidan were dead and their heads (and techniques) stored away in scrolls (storage scrolls for the heads, readers. They did not dry and press them; that only works for flowers.) to be returned to Konoha. The Harry Potter world resumed its cadence.

The Shinobi world (except Akatsuki) was relieved at the loss of two S-ranked nukenin and breathed a collective sigh of relief (at the same time, too!). The new Ino-Shika-Cho team became Jounin, were sent off to destroy the rest of Akatsuki, destroyed them, and eventually became the new Sannin. (aka. Sannin-Arata)

But before then…

"INO!!!" roared the Yamanaka clan.

"CHOUJI!!!" roared the Akimichi.

"SHIKAMARU!!!" roared his mother. (The rest of the Nara clan was too deadbeat lazy to do anything other than promptly collapse and lie around like logs the rest of the day.)

"WHY IS OUR ENTIRE CLAN BROKE!?!?" came the roars.

"We can't pay for our next flower shipment!" wailed Inoshi. (sp?)

"We can't pay for our next banquet!" wailed Chouza.

"We can't sit around and laze back anymore!" wailed Shikaku. ("We'll have to sell our deer!" "No!" "Do you want to work?!" "Good point.")

In the end, the three clans were saved when the bounty for the two nukenin came in and restored their fortunes.

Shikamaru lit a cigarette.

----------------------------------((Alternate Ending #1))------------------------------------------------------

"So it didn't work," Shikamaru deadpanned. The Dark Lord, Dark Minions, and manual were scattered around the two deadbeat nukenin. "At least our clans aren't broke."

"True," Ino agreed. "Come on, let's get rid of these idiot nukenin." With that, they stabbed Kazuku's and Hidan's hearts to death.

In the end, they got the bounty for the nukenin and their money back. They were made heroes of the Wizarding World, gained every honor imaginable, and became Harry Potter's equals.

Shikamaru lit a cigarette.

-----------------------------------((Alternate Ending #2))-----------------------------------------------------

"It didn't work," Shikamaru deadpanned. Not only had the two nukenin destroyed the Dark Lord and co, but they had also escaped.

"We'll catch them," the three of them swore.

They went back, got their refund, and went home to try again. No one in the three clans noticed the sudden loss of funds except for Shikamaru's mom, who had been shopping. She had had a heart attack when hearing her entire clan's money had vanished, been hospitalized, and promptly had another one when she woke up and the funds were back. Everyone blamed it on stress and overwork.

In the Wizarding World, the three were made instant heroes, blah, blah, blah. Just read the honors they got from Alt. Ending #1.

Chouji ate all of Diagon Alley's restaurants' food, making him a great novelty (especially since all the stores had Refilling Charms in place.)

Ino became the fashion Witch of the day.

Shikamaru lit a cigarette.

---------------------------------------------------Epilogue-------------------------------------------------------

Shikamaru got lung cancer and died. Sad, but true. Ino and Chouji were saddened but relieved his ending was more peaceful than Asuma's. He left behind a wife and two kids and managed to live to a nice long age for a shinobi, playing Go games all day.

As a result of his death, Konoha decided that cigarettes were evil and tended to kill off good shinobi and banned them from use within city limits or by shinobi anywhere. Then the ninja village set off to eradicate 'cancer sticks' from the world.

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Okay! Short, but likeable. Please nominate your favorite ending via review.

On another note, an alternate title for this chapter was 'Shikamaru Smokes'.

R&R or I'll set Shinigami-sama on you!


	31. Quidditch, Match Two, and Chaperonin'

2stupid: This one is a continuation of our Quidditch fic for Tacky76: 'Do one chappie for me where they learn to play Quidditch!' Thy wish has been granted. Again.

Tensa-chan: Alrighty ho, here's the list of players:

Ninja team 

Neji- seeker

Temari- goalie

Gaara, Kimimaro- beaters

Sasuke, Kankuro, Shino- chasers

2stupid: This time, it's the Ravenclaws!

Tensa-chan: We have no idea who is on the Ravenclaw team…

2stupid: Well, we could always check.

Tensa-chan: We've no access to HP books anywhere.

2stupid: Oh.

Tensa-chan: I know! We'll make them up!

2stupid: D'oh. facefaults

Tensa-chan: Yeah! hums as she makes up random characters

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Quidditch, Match 2, and Chaperonin'

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"On your marks, get set, START," Madam Hooch called. Shinobi and wizards-in-training rose up on brooms and began to play.

Sadly, the shinobi had been banned from using their dangerous techniques to win, hence the fact that there were now 1,700 fouls possible.

Neji had to hurry; Hinata had disappeared somewhere with Naruto, and as her official chaperone, he had to go supervise them. But he was stuck playing a stupid game while God-knows-what was happening to his poor cousin.

'I'll be there!' he thought fiercely as Gaara and Kimimaro, banned from using their 'special abilities', swung heavy bats ferociously but inaccurately. He dodged a stray Bludger, the Quaffle, and the Snitch.

Wait. The Snitch? It was the answer to his problems!

"Come back here, you little Snitch!" he screamed, activating his Byakugan and chasing after the little ball.

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Fifteen seconds and a few chakra strings later, Neji had ended the game. It was put down in the record books as the fastest game ever: thirty seconds.

Somehow, he didn't think anyone would be beating their record anytime soon.

Oh, how wrong he was. And guess who was beating the record? Himself!

But that is another game, another day, another story. So let's stick with this one, shall we?

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Naruto and Hinata were walking in the Forest together, Neji noticed. Not bothering to change, shower, or put away his broom, Neji followed them, using his super ninja skills to stay hidden.

"Hey, Hinata, do you have the feeling we're being watched?" Naruto asked.

"A-ano, it's probably just the forest life," Hinata said softly.

"Probably," Naruto said, and Neji reminded himself to teach his cousin that paranoia was good. Had he been an enemy shinobi, Konoha would shortly have been short two promising, powerful shinobi. Oops for them.

"Let's go back," Hinata said. "People are probably missing us by now." Neji resolved to teach her how to make use of the long-distance aspects of the Byakugan and the ability to read lips. Like he knew, if he had been an enemy spy right now, they would be dead. But he was sure his cousin was better than that…

Oh.

The school's wards cut off any attackers, so of course she could let it slide. At that point in time, Neji felt like a big idiot. A few bowtruckles threw some dead twigs at him just to add to the mood.

"Ow!" And the 'prodigy' fell off a tree. How shameful.

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"I can't believe you sustained three broken ribs, two fractured tibias, a shattered metacarpal, and a big bruise on your ass just from falling off a tree," Sakura said, healing him. "Aren't you supposed to be a prodigy?"

"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies." Sakura laughed.

"It must have been really embarrassing then." Damn, was he that transparent?

"Yeah!" Naruto cheered. "He fell off a tree RIGHT IN FRONT OF HINATA AND ME!"

Cue the Hyuuga's fainting. Neji from embarrassment and Hinata from… well… embarrassment. The redness in their faces was identical.

Who knew Neji could look like that?

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Well, on my part, I haven't been updating because I've been… lax.

No,really. My sisters got this pretty white Asian dog from our cousin, and it's been taking so much time to take care of. Honestly, what dog is supposed to piss every fifteen minutes? (Actually, that's an estimate. We have recorded that the dog pissed four times between two thirty and three thirty. Crazy dog-crazy sisters.)

And now it's trying to eat my jacket. Wait. How did it rip? Waah! No! Stop chewing my hair! And my fingers are not sausages! Don't eat them! Aaarghe! I can't type!" LJR Fet gae g


	32. Hogsmeade

2stupid: Yep. It's another chapter.

Tensa-chan: From sillymail, 'Hm...how about a journey to Hogsmede?'

2stupid: Sure!

Tensa-chan: If we weren't doing this, why would this chapter be up?

2stupid: R&R!

Tensa-chan: Or else!

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Hogsmeade

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"We're going to Hogsmeade!" Harry said excitedly. His sentiments were mirrored by that of every other student third year and above in Hogwarts.

"Hogsmeade?" Sasuke asked warily.

"Yeah! It's like a field trip!" Harry said cheerfully.

"Pass," Sasuke muttered.

"We'll come along!" Naruto screamed cheerfully at the same time, but for some random acoustic reason, you could still hear Sasuke. "After all, we're supposed to-!" Naruto went down as Sakura dug her elbow into his head.

"Please ignore our baka teammate," she said cheerfully, ignoring the lump of bruised Naruto.

"What were you supposed to do?" Harry asked her. Was it just him or had she been consternated (really, really worried) before she was suddenly over-cheery?

"Well, you see… …We have this trio of pranksters back home, and Naruto promised that he'd bring them all prank stuff. We're seriously doubting his mental capacity right now, though," Sakura said cheerily.

Harry personally thought that Naruto might be smarter if Sakura stopped pounding his brains out… or maybe she was pounding brains _in_.

Who knew...

In the end, however, they managed to drag Sasuke along. Literally. Which was why Sakura and Naruto were dragging around a Sasuke tied from neck to ankles. ("Isn't this detrimental to the mission, dobe?" "You need to loosen up, teme.")

So, they lost Sasuke at a bar after he had a few too many firewhiskeys, claiming he was of drinking age and just didn't look it. Which, of course, he was – by shinobi standards.

And a drunk Sasuke was very scary. For a drunk Sasuke was a _happy_ Sasuke. An _innocently_ happy Sasuke.

So, within seconds, they had been dragged out of the pub by a cheerful, childlike, giggling (!) Sasuke.

All three of them swore never to allow Sasuke near any alcohol ever again.

So, with Sasuke acting like a three-year-old idiot, the group of them set off through the trees.

"Where are you going?!" Naruto wailed, entirely freaked out. "Stop, temeeee!!!"

Sasuke made a sound that would haunt their nightmares forever; he giggled childishly.

"You'll see!" he almost sang as he dragged them on, finally leading to a familiar cave. "I'm here, Snuffles!"

"Ack, you got drunk, didn't you?" Sirius asked seriously. "You're scary when drunk."

"But so are you," Sasuke said cheerfully. "I brought company!"

"Harry!" Sirius said happily. "Welcome to my humble abode!"

And so, the weirdest afternoon Harry, Naruto, and Sakura had ever had or will ever have went by. And they learned strange things they did not need to know… like the fact that Sirius was a sexy drunk… and Sasuke often joined him for midnight rendezvous for such reasons.

In the end, it took all three of their combined skills to drag Sasuke off. They barely passed Filch without his becoming suspicious, and that was even with a genjutsu.

Yes, Sasuke's behavior was that traumatizing. The fact that he now spurted random gouts of chakra at random intervals did not help keep a delicate genjutsu stable.

The next day, they had to face the wrath of his temper. Everyone involved learned why Sasuke had such a bad reputation and that Tsunade never sent him on any missions that appeared to involve bars. Little did she know about Hogsmeade…

In the end, Naruto was forced to materialize a few henge'd Kage Bunshin to cover for the four so that they could avoid a pissed off Sasuke. Which confused the people who had seen both of them at the same time… but that's a different story.

Now. Allow us a moment of prayer for Harry Potter, Uzumaki Naruto, and Haruno Sakura. They were great shinobi, with a lot of potential. God will know how to take care of them properly.

Luckily, it wasn't _that_ drastic, but Sasuke had caused enough damage to ensure that classes were suspended for a week while repairs were being made (most of the school was happy; Hermione wasn't) and that Harry, Naruto, and Sakura were in the hospital wing for a month.

Well, Harry was in a wing for a month while a Sakura who had healed herself and a Kyuubi-healed Naruto guarded him. Sasuke was put to some other tasks, namely getting the schoolwork done.

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It wasn't until Naruto sent his next letter to the Konohamaru trio that he realized that he had forgotten about the prank stuff. But the Sasuke blackmail should suffice. And that was how the world learned that Uchiha Sasuke was a happy drunk and that he should stay away from any and all alcohol.

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Review! I don't want one out of every fifteen reviewing! It doesn't inspire me! That's why this fic is on minihiatus! Waah!

I'm sorry. That's the caffeine getting to me. And the workload of a megaton of tests.

Honestly, why does my teacher plan a test A DAY?!?! It just makes our grades seesaw!

And this was typed in fifteen minutes. The rest of them took at least half an hour… Oh, crud. The mood swings appeared again.


	33. Tales of a Teenage Ice Queen

2stupid: An idea from 'flowers of ice'.

Tensa-chan: "It'll be funny if there's a chapter in which Haku receives lots of liquer chocolates from admirers on Christmas or Valentine Day and gets drunk. You might want to mention the way alcohol makes people feel warm and fuzzy."

2stupid: So, we decided to do this.

Tensa-chan: Read and review!

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Tales of a Teenage Ice Queen

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Haku stared at the multitude of chocolates in front of him. Picking up a package from a 'Romilda Vane', he noticed a small spike of chakra emanating from it. Either a love potion or failed poison, he guessed.

Going through the whole stack, he tossed any that were spiked. In the end, he had only half of his original stack.

Poor Haku. Sadly, he can't hold his alcohol very well. But he didn't know that because he had never gotten drunk before, so by the time he had finished the chocolates, he was drunker than a fish swimming in wine.

((Flashback))

Haku looked at the liquor chocolates. _They can't hurt_, he decided as he popped one.

It was good; the spiciness of the liquor inside (vodka) contrasted the sweetness of the chocolate very well. He tried another one.

This one held rum inside. Now curious at the different tastes, he tried a third one. This one was firewhiskey. Somehow, he had a warm, fuzzy feeling now, and he wanted more.

Haku popped some more in. Hmm… these flavors were interesting when put together. By now not thinking properly (or he would have realized that he was drunk already), he managed to finish off the rest of the box.

And Haku was a very, very horny drunk. The first thing he did was get out a padded bra.

Very soon, Hogwarts got to see its first ever crossdressing cheerleader. This cheerleader had pale skin, dancing dark eyes, blond-streaked long dark hair, a lithe body, a mini tank top and miniskirt, and high-heeled boots. Bells jingled from her wrists, pigtail ties, and ankles as she strutted in and began flirting with random boys.

She left with Draco Malfoy, although we'll forgive her that lapse in judgement.

Malfoy left the Great Hall with the sexy lady and was promptly slammed into a wall, where he was given mouth-to-mouth. He swore he felt the lady grope him, but was too afraid for his life.

Once the kiss broke off, Malfoy panting, the girl giggled sweetly and shushed a hand to plump lips with a secretive smile before walking off, a definite sway to her hips.

Malfoy touched his lips. She had just stolen his first kiss! Was she a pureblood? Then he caught a soft hint of liquor on his tongue… he was torn between hoping she was (then he could marry her!) and hoping she wasn't (getting drunk and horny was a disgrace to purebloods).

The next day, Haku listened in on wild reports of the sexy cheerleader quietly. The guesses ranged from her being Malfoy's secret fiancée to her being a random prostitute out looking for his favor to her being a succubus.

Luckily, the guesses were nowhere near the truth, Haku decided. After all, he shuddered to think of the reactions of school and shinobi alike if they found out the truth…

He wasn't gay! Honest! He was even still a virgin!

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Yes, I know this chapter is strange, but I had just finished reading some femHakuxNaruto fics before I read this. So therefore, I got this weird mess.

Read and Review or I will never update again!  I'm lying.


	34. Quidditch, Match Three

2stupid: This one is a continuation of our Quidditch fic for Tacky76: 'Do one chappie for me where they learn to play Quidditch!' Thy wish has been granted. Yet again.

Tensa-chan: Only this time, we're also introducing Susume-chan's wish, which is "make Tenten a quidditch beater".

2stupid: Sure thing, Susume-chan! This time, it's the Hufflepuffs!

Tensa-chan: Alrighty ho, here's the list of players:

Ninja team 

Gaara- seeker

Temari- goalie

Tenten, Kankuro - beaters

Sasuke, Kimimaro, Shino- chasers

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Quidditch, Match Three: Huffin' 'n' puffin' 'n' blowin' the house down.

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"Our next match is up against Hufflepuff," Shikamaru, unofficial team leader, said. He wasn't even on the team! "So, since Neji's banned from Quidditch because he ran off with a broom from the last match, I'm moving Gaara to seeker and having Tenten and Kankuro be beaters. Kimimaro will become a chaser."

"What?!" several voices cried.

"That's okay," Shikamaru said. "Kankuro, I want you to use chakra strings to control those 'Bludgers'. Kimimaro, try not to impale the 'Quaffle' or anything; you're pretty accurate, especially with your dances. Tenten, do _not _pull out your weapons during the match; I really don't want to rely on someone like Naruto, and Ino and Chouji get airsick easily."

"What about me?" Gaara asked, a strange look in his eye.

"You're going to pull up a fine sand screen nonshinobi won't notice; try to temporarily blind some people right before they shoot," Shikamaru answered.

"Got it," Kazekage-sama replied.

"I've got a smaller fan now," Temari said, sliding an "ordinary" folding fan from her sleeve. It was about nine inches long and about half an inch thick and was made entirely of paper. (It's the ones you can make all by yourself if you have an ordinary sheet of paper with you.)

"Good," Shikamaru said. "Try not to let the other team notice."

"They won't," Temari said as she slid the fan back in her sleeve.

"Alright, then. That's the referee call. Go!" As the team left, Shikamaru hoped that moving Kankuro had been a good idea.

Tenten was pretty much pissed; not only was she forced to replace Neji, but she was also forbidden from using weapons other than a measly wooden bat. And she couldn't even hit the players directly! She had to aim at a little metal ball that was apt to fly off in other directions!

Slowly but surely, everyone else edged away from a dangerous 150 ft. radius around her. They were stopped at the 120 ft. mark, however, when they ran into the other side of the Quidditch field.

"Go!" Madam Hooch called, throwing up a ball into the air. Because no one wanted to get near Tenten, the Hufflepuffs grabbed the ball and began making goals. Temari ran to protect the goals as Gaara's sand haze rose into the air and Sasuke, Kimimaro, and Shino began chasing the Quaffle.

Kankuro chased after the Bludgers so he could attach chakra strings to them, but was continually fended off when an irritated Tenten kept whacking the little iron balls at random things... like the spectators.

Soon, Hufflepuff had seven more goals in, making the score 80-0 for Hufflepuff.

Kankuro gave up on the Bludgers when he saw the Quaffle come flying this way. He attached chakra strings to it and sent it in Shino's direction. Shino wasn't looking and his Kikai Bunshin collapsed.

Sasuke promptly threw a fire jutsu and an explosion tags at Shino's bugs in anger, all of whom missed on purpose; angry Shino because you killed even ONE of his bugs was scarier than the scary Tenten. Kimimaro discreetly punched a girl in the face and requisitioned the Quaffle.

Then, one of the Hufflepuff beaters had the idiocy to aim a Bludger at Tenten. Tenten, in an amazing act of strength, speed, and skill, hit the ball with her bat with all her might. Her shot ricocheted off the poor Beater's face, slamming into the rest of the Hufflepuff team's faces as well.

The Hufflepuff team was out of commission. (Cho Chang and Cedric Diggory would later attempt to sue for permanent facial damage.)

Now happy at the mass destruction she had caused, Tenten looked at the chaos and carnage and said, "I have to get one of these."

At that point, a random spurt of sand appeared, and Gaara informed everyone that he had caught the Snitch.

Final score: 150-90, Shinobi game.

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Heh. Finally done. Three days… it shouldn't have taken that long. But hey, who cares?


	35. Potter's New Fanclub

2stupid: This time, Karin Kinomoto has asked for a fic.

Tensa-chan: "TO add on to my Ino obssessing over Harry idea, make her set up a "We Love Harry Potter Fanclub" and Sasuke gets all mopey over the loss of one fangirl" are her exact words.

2stupid: So here it is.

Tensa-chan: If we owned Naruto, the series wouldn't be about Naruto. Questions answered?

2stupid: Oh, yes, please let us introduce our friends once more. Notice, we said nothing about Harry Potter. Does that answer questions as to the placement of this story?

Makori: Hello. It's nice to meet you.

Thor: 'Ello, poppets.

Tensa-chan: Oh, shut the (bleep) up.

Makori: That's not nice.

2stupid: "Man fears that which he does not understand." That's a quote, btw.

Tensa-chan: So, in the interest of time, we will let you read this chappie in peace. Amen.

2stupid???

Makori???

Thor???

Tensa-chan: "???" What?

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Potter's New Fanclub

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Harry Potter now had a fanclub.

That could be used to explain why he was now running from a horde of girls (and a few boys) as if his life depended on it. Actually, it did.

Ino was somehow the head of both his and Sasuke's fanclub, which was why the Uchiha was now dragging him around, as the Seeker had run out of steam a looooooong time ago.

Vaguely, Sasuke wondered why these fangirls weren't superb ninja, but the story's not about him.

Harry ran for his life, thanking whatever deity existed (or didn't) that the ninja had been helping him train. Via telling him to run and then throwing various sharp, pointy objects at them, of course. And these fangirls were worse; a love potion splattered when it missed, and he would have to dodge the splatters! How unfair!

And on and on they ran.

They finally stopped at the front gates, where they were promptly cornered. And then it seemed as if fangirls were not going to be good shinobi because it turned out to be a pair of Henge'd Bunshins. Sasuke had created them in his mad dash over the lake.

Meanwhile, behind them, Harry and Sasuke were dragging themselves out of the lake and sneaking into the boys' shower room.

"Tell me why you have a fan club?" Sasuke grumbled. Harry just shrugged.

"I didn't even know I had one," he replied.

"It's Ino's fault. I don't know how, but it's that crazy kunoichi's fault!"

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Ino looked at the fanclub members list before dropping it in shock. The list of people on the list had grown! By ten hundred percent!

Heh. She turned around and started the meeting…

And they figured out the perfect plan by which to capture the Harry Potter of their dreams. Does anyone feel scared now? Because you should, even if you aren't poor Harry.

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"Hey, do you know why teme's all depressed?" Naruto asked at breakfast the next morning.

"Shh," Sakura whispered, hushing him. Over at the other end of the Gryffindor table, Sasuke sat, moping dejectedly. "He still hasn't gotten over the loss of Ino."

"Ino's gone!" Naruto cried, horrified. Sasuke simply closed his eyes and slumped over, resting his head against the table.

"Shh, it was only final last night," Sakura said sadly. "As of 4:00 AM today, Yamanaka Ino has been declared an official member and president of the Harry Potter Fanclub upon her resignation from the Uchiha Sasuke Fanclub." Sasuke buried his head in his arms. He could still hear them, dammit!

And he did _not_ want to be reminded of his failure. Ita - that man - had never lost a single member of his own fanclub. If his older brother were available, he would definitely be laughing on the ground… if not preoccupied with other things.

Dammit. Sasuke closed his eyes and began moping again.

Naruto, meanwhile, was frowning, slightly confused. He thought something… more drastic… had happened. But then, who knew how the "in" crowd thought?

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I know it's short. But I kinda lost track of my thoughts halfway through this because I had to do my math homework and finish my book report… which is due on or before Friday.


	36. Quidditch, The Final Match

2stupid: Thank you, Dariann Atis Atulgof, for supplying us with numerous fanfic ideas. However, we're going to finish off the Quidditch series, now with the Gryffindors!

Tensa-chan: You'll be next! Muahahahaha!

2stupid: Don't be so rude, Tensa-chan!

Tensa-chan: Whatever. You're no fun. And why was it raining today? It was supposed to be sunny and in the mid nineties. And it's supposed to be spring.

2stupid: Ah, yes. Spring. Lovely weather, isn't it?

Tensa-chan: More like "departing the land of snow and sleet to the land of rain and sleet" © Tamora Pierce, _Squire_. Especially if you live in the North.

2stupid: Ano, Tensa-chan, we don't live in the north. We live in the middle of a godforsaken desert.

Tensa-chan: Exactly!

2stupid: WTF?

Tensa-chan: Gasp! You cussed!

2stupid: blushes That was an accident!

Tensa-chan: Yes, just keep telling that to yourself… Now, readers, please review!

Ninja team 

Gaara- seeker

Temari- goalie

Tenten, Kankuro - beaters

Sasuke, Kimimaro, Shino- chasers

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Quidditch, The Final Match. Grrr!

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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Hogwarts, every creature was stirring, even the house elves.

The banners were made and hung with great care, for tomorrow was Quidditch, the final ninja match galore.

And, of course, everyone was interested to see how the Gryffindors were going to hold up against the new shinobi team, which had not lost a game yet. Of course, it had only played three.

The shinobi were busy building up their game plan… or would be, had Shikamaru simply given them a complicated diagram and left them to figure it out themselves while he retreated to watch clouds.

"So, do this, then do that?" Kankuro asked, looking at what seemed to be instructions for him to use his chakra strings. Neji nodded.

"See, we'll then do this, and voila! We've won the game!" Tenten said.

And so the shinobi planned. The Gryffindor team, however, would suffer due to being forced to get up at an unholy time of night (for anyone but shinobi, that is) and having a plan suddenly shoved into their brains.

Figuratively, of course. Who would want to clean up a mess of splattered brains?

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When the next day came, everyone was on edge. There were frequent fights between random shinobi and even more random students. Guess who won.

Finally, it was time. The shinobi picked out places and stuck there calmly. The students had to sit in their seats.

"Start!" Madam Hooch said, and thirteen players flew up. For some reason, Gaara remained on the ground. Apparently, someone had sabotaged his broom. Harry took the chance to look for the Snitch while they were off getting Gaara another one, but the wind kept blowing sand in his eyes.

As the game progressed, neither team made much progress, although Gaara did manage to get off the ground (he hovered two feet off so his rather inevitable fall wouldn't be hard). The shinobi led, 30-0. Then Alicia managed to score as the rest of the Gryffindor team engaged in a semi-melee fight with the shinobi – except Gaara, of course. He wasn't doing anything.

The Gryffindor team finally had to stop as the wind kept blowing dangerous bits of sand in… tender body parts. Harry swore he had no idea how sand ended up in his pants. But then, he's never been to a beach.

As the Gryffindors were busy shaking off clinging, detrimental sand from their clothes and equipment, the shinobi scored another pair of goals, bringing the scores to 50-10.

And on and on it went; in the end, the Gryffindor team sported massive injuries, and even the shinobi (except Gaara, who was still just… hovering there) sported a few minor scratches. The score? 24000-50, favoring shinobi. The scoreboard, which did not go up that high, was left behind as Lee Jordan tallied the goals by hand.

Of course, nobody knew the shinobi were cheating… although they technically weren't cheating, as none of them were in the rulebook. Seriously, who could call up a localized sand storm in the middle of a match? Without their wand?

The Snitch finally got curious and decided to hover in front of Gaara. Gaara reached up and grabbed it.

"The match is over!" Madam Hooch cried, to the disappointment of the crowd. And the midair battles were so fun to watch…

Final score: 24150-50, shinobi win.

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At the End-of-Year Feast, Dumbledore announced the winners of the Quidditch Cup.

"Our first-time winners, the shinobi, won this year's tournament by… a very large amount of points. In not so close second was the Gryffindor team. Please give them a large round of applause," Dumbledore said. Looking at the silent hall, he chuckled. "And of course, the shinobi team has been banned from playing at school due to the fact that they are too good."

There was cheering galore as almost no one heard the last part of the later part of Dumbledore's proclamation. In fact, only the shinobi, with their superior hearing, could have possibly heard him. At their own table, they looked at each other and smirked.

"Awww," several jounin sensei (including Baki) cooed. "They're growing up."

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I hope you liked this chapter. Since this and the last one were short, we decided to post them together. If they are not posted together, blame the internet company or the website for locking us out during such a vital task…

But that probably won't happen.


	37. Hidan Meets Malfoy

2stupid: And we have a whole group of ideas from an anonymous reviewer who calls him/herself "Dariann Atis Atulgof".

Tensa-chan: smirks Nice name, Dariann.

2stupid: Don't be rude!

Tensa-chan: "How bout one where... Hidan meets Draco Malfoy"

2stupid: And we own Harry Potter but not Naruto, so therefore this is on Fanfiction Net.

Tensa-chan: NO. Whaddya think?

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Hidan Meets Malfoy

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Hidan was not in a good mood. Not a good mood at all.

Why? Well, that could be attributed to the fact that he was currently attending a meeting that the Dark Lord was hosting for the Akatsuki… or rather, the Akatsuki leader.

Hidan was just in the waiting room with the lackeys. He wasn't a lackey, dammit!

He was absolutely, positively NOT a lackey.

But the sniveling blond idiot in front of him was. And why was the blond idiot sniveling? Well, let's see…

((Flashback))

Draco Malfoy extended his hand. "I am Draco Malfoy," he said arrogantly. "I can help you in this organization. Those Akatsuki idiots won't even have a chance!"

"And you can call me Hidan," Hidan replied carelessly. "I don't need your help."

Malfoy's eyes narrowed. "Don't you? The Dark Lord can be very rewarding."

"Yeah, whatever." Hidan was getting irritated by Malfoy's hot air. And the insult to the Akatsuki – and therefore him – from earlier did not help either. "Shut up and stop making a fool of yourself."

"What did you say?" an angry Malfoy bit out. He reached into his robes to pull out his wand. Bad move, Malfoy.

Hidan looked at the little nuisance in front of him. Before Malfoy could do anything, his wand was snapped in two and he was caught in a horrendous dream world. (AN: Yes, Hidan's using genjutsu. It's something of a cross between Tsukiyomi and Tayuya's "Demonic Flute: Demoinc Illusion" the one in which Shika starts melting I made it up.)

Malfoy freaked out, and the illusion stopped (Hidan's main weakness is that he can't do genjutsu. Again, made up by author.). However, he now had a giant, three-bladed scythe in front of his face.

"AAAA-EEEEEEEEEEEKKK!" he shrieked. Even girls were envious of his pitch.

"Hidan, stop threatening people," the Akatsuki leader, who was used to this by now, called from the meeting room. "It's not nice."

Hidan pulled back his scythe. Malfoy's robes now had a wet spot. Or three.

"You got lucky, ahou," he said. (ahoureally derogative term for moron) "Next time I'll sacrifice you to my god."

"And no sacrificing people, either, Hidan! These are our allies!" the Leader called back.

"But I like sacrificing, Leader!" Hidan whined back. There was a slightly maniacal gleam in his eyes. "The blood, the pain, the fear, it's all so stimulating! Besides, this idiot's an utter moron! A waste of space!"

"Go sacrifice some other people then! And not until after the meeting!" the Leader called back, adamant.

Hidan pouted and unleashed a ton of killing intent into the air at Malfoy. The wet spot grew bigger.

"And no giving others heart attacks from your killing intent!" the Leader called, an EVEN MORE MASSIVE killing intent coming from the meeting room.

In fact, the killing intent was so strong that even Voldemort and Hidan were paralyzed by its power. Lesser people fainted.

Malfoy himself was out cold. When he came to, he was far too traumatized by past events to do anything... but snivel and stare at the wall in front of him.

((End Flashback))

Hidan sighed. Life was soooooooo boring! Dammit, immortality sucked, sometimes; just because you live forever does not mean you have infinite patience, dammit!

Well, at least Malfoy would be interesting. Especially to toy with. Hidan reached for his scythe, grinning sadistically.

"Don't murder, mutilate, or traumatize any of our ally's lackeys!" the Akatsuki leader called. "Go find another sadomasochist to play with!"

Hidan scowled and sulked like a little boy.

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Done! And yes, sadomasochists do exist. They're sadistic masochists. Or masochistic sadists. You get the meaning, though.

Read and Review, or I'll set Hidan on you. I'll free him from the Nara, first.


	38. Immortality Sucks

2stupid: And here's another one from dear anonymous "Dariann Atis Atulgof".

Tensa-chan: And where on earth did he/she come up with that name?

2stupid: No idea. shrugs

Tensa-chan: If you are Dariann Atis Atulgof, please review and tell us how you liked our stories of your ideas.

2stupid: Please. It would be helpful. Even constructive criticism would be nice.

Tensa-chan: "How bout one where... Hidan whines about how he's an immortal and how immortality sucks to Voldemort." Guess what. Your wish just got granted. Here is your idea, and there is our fic rendering of it down below. Read and review.

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Immortality Sucks

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Voldemort was interested in this so-called immortal shinobi. After all, he himself was about to make these Horcrux thingies and become immortal.

"So, what's immortality like?" he asked this man, "Hidan". He wasn't prepared for the answer, however.

"IT SUCKS!" Hidan screamed furiously. "Everyone is so prejudiced and think you're the bad guy! Not only that, but they stick to the stupid stereotypes, no matter how lame or stupid they are or how many times they've been disproved! It's troublesome!"

"I see," Voldemort said cautiously. After all, he was planning on becoming the villain for many years to come. Mayhaps forever…

"So, how did you do it?" he asked again.

"No idea," Hidan said pensively. "I just got born this way. But if you think I'm bad, you should see this one nin I fought. He had five hearts, and you had to destroy all five hearts to get rid of him. Nasty surprise, you know."

"So your immortality helped you that time?" Voldemort asked. Maybe this man would be a good ally.

"Nah. My team mates had to fish me outta that one. In the end, we only destroyed four of his hearts, so he's still around somewhere. Kazuki… Kazuku, I think his name was."

"Oh. Well, I'm going to go ask him on his opinions of immortality," Voldemort offered. Hidan looked at him.

"If you're going to do that, rumor says that Akasuna no Sasori has made himself immortal, and there should be the new Jinchuuriki of the Nibi. The Nibi can control death, they say. You might want to check them out," Hidan offered. "And if you find it, come back and worship Jashin with me."

"Alright, then," Voldemort said, getting off the rock. "Have a good day."

"You too," Hidan said absently. After Voldemort "Apparated" away, Hidan turned to the trees. "Hey, did you get that with your Sharingan, Uchiha?"

"Yes," Itachi's muffled voice came as he stepped out of a tree. "We might want Sasori and Kazuku to lay low for a while, at least until the Nibi kills that stupid wizard pretending to be a shinobi."

"So let's wait for news, then," Hidan said, turning to recline back on that rock. "I wanna go find some other victims."

Of course, they never got the news; it seemed as if the Nibi had beaten the Wizard to within a hair of his life, but he had managed to get away.

Voldemort, now safe once more in the Wizarding world, considered his options, swearing he would never visit nor mention the shinobi world again. As he pondered, his mind wandered back to his conversation with the immortal Hidan.

"Immortality sucks," the man had said.

On second thought, maybe making those Horcruxes wasn't such a good idea…

Nah.

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Poor Voldie. He should have listened to Hidan. And if you're curious, this takes place about fifty years ago, back when Voldie was first becoming evil.


	39. Quidditch Special: Extra: World Cup!

2stupid: We're going to take a break from Dariann. This time, Draonheart0000 has requested, "you should make them play the world cup and watch them uber pwn the other countries team"

Tensa-chan: Hey, I was supposed to say that!

2stupid: Well, I did.

Tensa-chan: STFU! Just get on with the story! (Tensa-chan is angry because she wants to work on her own fanfic.)

2supid: gasps Don't curse!

Tensa-chan: Well, anyways, here is the list of players.

Shinobi Team:

Seeker-

Neji

Keeper-

Temari

Beaters-

Gaara

Kimimaro

Chasers-

Kankuro

Tenten

Haku

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Quidditch Special: Extra: World Cup!

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"What mess have we gotten ourselves into?" Shikamaru moaned, looking at the letter in his hands. "We made it to the World Cup Finals!" And all they had done was practice their shinobi skills by playing Quidditch!

"We really can't use our jutsu in front of so many spectators," Haku commented, practicing throwing the Quaffle in new and dangerous ways with his fellow Chasers, Kankuro and Tenten.

"We'll just beat the crap out of them anyways," Kimimaro said. "Unless we forfeit, of course."

"Then the wizards will be really suspicious of us," Shikamaru said. "They'll think we have something to hide."

"We could always stick to Wizarding play," Temari said.

"But no magic is allowed," Gaara said in his usual monotone.

"I'll just catch the Snitch really fast, then," Neji offered. "The Byakugan should help, and Kankuro's already shown me how to send a chakra net through the playing field so that I can snare the Snitch easily."

"Alright then," Shikamaru said. "Then that's it. Alright. Practice game plan: Stop the other team at all costs until Neji catches the Snitch. Everyone plays defensive, but that means no killing, Gaara, Kimimaro. Those bats are dangerous."

"Hai," the two Beaters said sullenly. It was obvious they had been hoping to express their rather more-than bloodthirsty natures.

"Temari, stick to the small paper fan. Flick it from inside your sleeve, but make sure the referee doesn't see anything; he's the best, they say."

"Hai."

"Neji. Just catch the Snitch fast."

"Hai."

"Gaara, Kimimaro, aim those Bludgers towards areas of maximum damage."

"Hai!♥" ("Somehow, I feel very, very afraid," Shikamaru confided in everyone else.)

"Kankuro, Tenten, Haku, use the Quaffle in the same way. Throw it through the other hoop whenever necessary. We must always stay ahead on points."

"Hai." With that, the Shinobi Quidditch Team walked out onto the pitch to the roars of thousands upon thousands of voices. (Ha! Betcha didn't see that comin'!)

"AAAAANNND, WELCOME THE SQT! WHAT 'SQT' STANDS FOR, WE HAVE NO IDEA, BUT WELCOME THEM!" And the cheering redoubled.

"Heh," Shikamaru said from the shadows behind them. "Have fun, and NO KILLING, GAARA, KIMIMARO. Aim to cripple."

Everyone in hearing range shuddered slightly as the duo unleashed their creepy killer laughs.

"Right then," the referee muttered, pulling out the Quidditch box. "Let's START!" And off flew the fourteen players, with the shinobi with the ball and the Bulgarian team (Krum's!) in hot pursuit.

"AND THE SQT HAVE THE BALL! THE BULGARIANS ARE IN HOT PURSUIT-OH! WE NEED A STRETCHER FOR KIRKANOFF, HIT BY A BLUDGER! TIME OUT!" Shikamaru mentally slapped himself. Of course the two bloodthirsty idiots would do that.

But the game went on. "THIS IS TURNING OUT TO BE THE BLOODIEST MATCH OF ALL HISTORY, WITH FOULS NOT IN THE RULE BOOK BEING USED! MY, 300 NEW FOULS HAVE BEEN INVENTED ALREADY! WHO KNEW YOU COULD DO SUCH A THING! HAVE CARE FOR YOUR BROOMS!"

Shikamaru twitched. At times like these, he really wished he had the Byakugan. Some of these things the players were doing out there sounded… interesting. At least a shinobi would think so.

Well, at least the game was in their favor.

Shinobi: 10 Bulgarians: 0

Yep. The Bulgarians were just that good. And now, the penalties flew in thick and fast from both sides, although the shinobi usually managed to dodge the Bulgarian sabotage attempts. But then, no one had really seen the piano wire trick coming. Haku was still surprised his head was attached to his neck.

"OHHHH! AND THE SQT SEEKER NEGEE HOOGA HAS CAUGHT THE SNI—urk!" Apparently, Neji did not take kindly to idiots mispronouncing his name in front of thousands.

"IT'S NEJI HYUUGA, PEOPLE! NOT WHATEVER THAT IDIOT SAID!" Neji could be heard screaming.

In the locker room, Shikamaru sighed. Mission complete.

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Done! Yay! Whole 'nother chappie! Read and Review! I have almost 20.000 hits on this site and only 150-odd reviews! Something's wrong, here!


	40. Dark Lord Orochimaru

2stupid: I got this interesting idea from Foxic Cherii, so I'm going to do it.

Tensa-chan: Even still we still have quite a few of Dariann's left.

2stupid: Just repeat the request, Tensa-chan.

Tensa-chan: I'm not a recording machine, you know. But anyways, "Can you put a part where Sasuke mistakes the Dark Lord censored for Orochimaru?"

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Dark Lord Orochimaru

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Sasuke was in a bad mood. Why was he the one who had gotten left behind? The curse seal on his neck told him Orochimaru wanted him back, but he had no idea how to get home. Heck, he didn't even know where he was!

And he calls himself a ninja.

Nonetheless, he wandered around the forest, occasionally killing off giant spiders and making sure their blood didn't splash his black kimono. That blood looked like it had acidic qualities.

Sasuke eventually wandered out to a battlefield next to a lake, with a castle in the background. Or, well, it was soon to be a battlefield. The two armies were lined up, with a black-haired boy leading a side in white and a hooded figure smelling of snake leading a group in black with white masks.

"Orochimaru-sama?" he asked the snake-smelling figure uncertainly, approaching the no-man's land carefully. The chakra in the air was dulled and melded from the close proximity of too many people.

"No, impudent worm," the figure hissed. "Crucio!" Sasuke dodged the blast of light, noticing that the stick the man held seemed to magnify his existing chakra stores. A dangerous thing, indeed.

"No," he said contemptuously. "You're not Orochimaru-sama. You can't even compare to him. _Sen'ai Jashuu_." Several long, fanged snakes slid out of his sleeve, stretching longer and attacking Voldemort. Then, a strange thing happened.

Shinigami appeared and gathered up the pieces of Voldemort's soul, shoving it back together and forcing it into the man's body. It then cast greedy eyes at the massed wizards and… simply left.

Sasuke shrugged. It wasn't for him to wonder what the Shinigami's motives were. He simply killed the man and took the stick. It warmed in his hands and emitted a soft hiss of approval.

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And so, Sasuke now gained the tool to kill his brother. He did so, using the magical stick to augment his jutsu, and finally burned his brother to a crisp in a several-dozen-mile square Goukakyu no Jutsu. Along with Orochimaru (who he no longer needed because he had a much better method of using more chakra), the entire Rice Field country, and all of Akatsuki.

Yep. All in a day's work for a shinobi.

Eventually, Sasuke got Sakura, Hinata got Naruto, and life went on. The Uchiha clan made a comeback and became as powerful as the Hyuuga clan, and Hinata and Naruto created a third clan that had mysterious youkai powers…

Yep. Life's interesting.

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Done! Short, but done. I can't muster up the energy to write a longer drabble right now… I either have the worst bout of seasonal allergies known to man or I have a severe flu. I hope it's neither.

Review… please… oooh, the room's spinning…………………………………


	41. Kidoumaru Meets Aragog

2stupid: Ohayo! Did you like the triple update we did last time?

Tensa-chan: smirks Or did you not realize it?

2stupid: Tensa-chan! Don't be rude or I'll cut your computer time!

Tensa-chan: If you can! sticks tongue out and shoves 2stupid in cage

2stupid: Let me out! Or I'll use a bazooka! pulls out bazooka

Tensa-chan: With what ammo? pulls out bazooka ammo and key

2stupid: Unlock me! starts banging on cage bars with bazooka

Tensa-chan: NO! puts ammo away and throws key off Grand Canyon and into Colorado River

Makori: Uhhh, okay?

Thor: Makori! Help me plan out our plan of attack! Taking over the world isn't going to happen by itself, you know!

Tensa-chan: Well, while we're off planning our first attack, here's your new chapter. Dariann Atis Atulgof's idea "How bout one where… Kidoumaru meets Aragog". Just read and review… while you can! laughs insanely as curtain falls and stage becomes shadowed

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Kidoumaru Meets Aragog

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Kidoumaru was wandering around the Forbidden Forest. Of course, the headmaster had said not to, but what were giant flesh-eating snakes and man-eating wolves compared to a shinobi?

Therefore, Kidoumaru's shinobi skills allowed him to sense the many beings watching him.

"I know you're there," he called out.

"Food," he heard. It sounded a lot like his summon's cousins/subjects; she had brought some of them to visit once.

"You're acromantulas, aren't you? Aragog knows me; his mistress is my friend and summon."

"You're the spider-boy," one of them said, falling of its perch on a branch. "Aragog told you about us?!"

"Yeah! He mentioned how you were all cool and all that!" another spider piped up, nearly jumping in glee.

"Can I see him? It's been a long time since our last meeting!" And so, the spiders showed Kidoumaru the way to Aragog's lair.

"Aragog-sama!" Kidoumaru squealed. "Long time no see!"

"And you too!" the old spider clacked heartily. "Ah, my eyesight isn't what it once was…"

"As if it were ever good," Kidoumaru joked.

"True, true," Aragog chuckled. "You, always with the sense of humor. Say, could you summon our mistress? I want to have a last talk with her."

"Sure! Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" And with that, a spider 1.5x the size of Aragog (who already is huge, remember) appeared.

"Aragog!" she squealed in a high pitched voice. Since I don't remember her name, let's call her 'Mo'. "My mate!"

"Mo! My mate!" Aragog cried at the same time. Recognizing a Kodak moment, Kidoumaru backed out of the giant web slowly, only to be mobbed by a group of curious young (only about the size of a horse) acromantulas.

"Can you shoot webs?" one of them asked.

"Of course!" Kidoumaru said. "What kind of spider summoner would I be if I couldn't?"

"So don't be so stupid next time, Bobby!" another acromantula cuffed the first one on the… head?

"I wasn't! I was just curious, big brother! Besides could you show us?"

"Sure!" With that, Kidoumaru spat out a long, thin, sticky thread that attached to a sturdy branch of another tree.

"Cool!"

"Hey, can you play Tag with us?" a third acromantula asked.

"Sure!"

And with that, the acromantula Tag game of the century began. Of course, the winner was…

Oddly enough, a group of muggleborn students claimed they saw Spiderman ™ swinging through the trees that day, unleashing his wrath upon giant, mutant spiders. The rest of the school, once they heard the story, laughed and brushed them off.

If only they knew…

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Done! You couldn't believe the lack of motivation for this chapter! It was colossal! And then spring break came, so it finally got finished. Actually, everything but the first few lines was done in one go of a massive dose of inspiration… all that stuff that got blocked when my writer's block appeared came at me in one giant tidal wave.

Read and Review! It helps me to get to my goal!

For all of you who don't know (most people, actually), I'm trying to get 101 fanfics on this story. Cliché'd, I know, but I don't really care. That seems like a goodly number of chapters, not too much, not too little.


	42. Siriusly, It's a Dog's Life

2stupid: Duh. Dariann Atis Atulgof, "How bout one where Kiba meets Sirius Black".

Tensa-chan: Don't worry about her. She's just depressed because no one's reviewed yet.

2stupid: There might have been…

Tensa-chan: I dunno. It's the stress of the AP Exams. Who wants to take 3 hour tests?

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Siriusly, It's a Dog's Life

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Akamaru barked. That dog was not a dog. Kiba, who was patrolling Hogwarts to guard against any intruders idiotic enough to get themselves caught, heard him and came over to check.

"What?" Kiba asked. This was not good; it had to be that Sirius Black!" Kiba, freaking out because a person not of the Inuzuka clan could also do the Shikyaku no Jutsu, ran off to report his claim.

"Waah! There's another guy pretending to be a dog outside! Waah!" So much for his shinobi training.

Kiba told the rest of the shinobi, and soon the entire Konoha population was screaming in panic that they had lost the secret to one of their powerful clan jutsu. And more could be lost! Like the Yamanaka mind reading and mind control techniques! Or the Nara body freezing techniques!

Little did they know…

"Hmmm, what's the fuss?" Sirius wondered, loping towards the doors of the Great Hall.

Little did he know…

"I wonder what's happening?" Ron wondered, hearing the shinobi wail.

"Oh, probably just some foreign pep rally or something," Harry replied.

"Get back to work," Hermione instructed, taking another book from the huge stack next to her. "We have to find something…"

Little did they know…

That things were about to get crazy!

Suddenly, Tensa-chan appeared in the story, bored with the proceedings, much like Ulquiorra first appears from Hueco Mundo.(Bleach)

"This will be fun," she cackled excitedly. "Ichi, ni, san!"

The Golden Trio, the shinobi, and the escaped convict vanished in puffs of dark violet smoke.

"Waah!" someone cried. "The Boy-Who-Lived's been kidnapped!"

But that's not important. What's important is that they had been transported to a disco hall. Tensa-chan started up the music and got the party started.

Thirty minutes and six alcoholic drinks later (three Bloody Mary on the rocks, margarita, a pina colada, and a vodka), Kiba met Sirius, who was equally intoxicated.

"Hey, you're the dog-boy!" they cried at the same time.

"You're my target, too!" Kiba slurred. "Hey, wanna share a drink?"

"Shuure," Sirius drawled. "Sho long ash youuu dunnt druuug meeee."

Kiba coughed hastily and hid a small packet behind his back. He may have been intoxicated, but he was also a shinobi.

"Two Sour Apples!" Sirius called to the nonexistent bartender. Magically, Tensa-chan made two Sour Apples appear.

"To dogs," the two drunks slurred, ignoring the beating music, the other people, and the drink they were sloshing all over themselves because they were too tipsy to keep it from spilling.

"Shay, whass y're 'nim'gus 'possd t' be?" Kiba slurred. Akamaru drank the spilled drink that pooled at the two's feet and got drunk as well.

"Th' Grim," Sirius slurred back. "Dog o' death."

"I wanna be tha'," Kiba complained. "Soun's awesum."

"It is," Sirius agreed. "Y'scare th' 'eck out o' 'vryun."

"Jaa," Kiba slurred. "Danke."

"Por que?"

"Why're y' speakin' in Spanish?"

"Y'were too!"

"T'was Gehrmann!"

"Righ'… I'll take y'r werd fer i'," Sirius slurred.

"'Ow's yer life?" Kiba asked randomly.

"'tis 'orrible! I got 'victed f'r a crime I didnae commit, and now I'm on th' run!"

"I coul' catch yeh, eh? That'd be fuuun."

The two of them laughed breathless, drunken laughs. "More alcohol!"

"Siriusly, 'tis a dawg's life, y'ere me?" Sirius continued. "'tis orful! 'ey, git it? 'Siriusly? Eh?"

Kiba laughed too, although he secretly pocketed a magical microphone recorder vouching for Sirius' innocence. Thank god for anti-drunk pills. Besides, the world needed more dog-lovers.

"See yah!" he slurred as the party dissolved and the shinobi and Golden Trio landed in their dorm room.

"Why'd I feehl drunk," Kiba muttered. Akamaru voiced his agreements.

"You forgot to get virgin!" Hermione wailed.

"How many anti-drunk pills did you take?" Sakura quizzed, ignoring the other worried girl.

"I think… two."

"How much alcohol did you consume?"

"'Bout twenty glasses."

"You were only supposed to drink ten!"

"Well, things got chummy," Kiba moaned as hangover set in. Akamaru whimpered and headed off to his puppy basket, paws over eyes in pain. "An' I got evidence tha' Sirius ain't a real serial killer," he finished, yawning and falling over, fast asleep.

"?" was all Hermione, Ron, and Harry could think as they processed Kiba's last words.

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Sirius woke up with a headache and cursed the Mary Sue who had done this to him to the heavens. Or at least until Tensa-chan appeared with a bottle of Hangover Cure.

Which was really a mix of laxatives and sleeping draughts in disguise.

Sirius really did not appreciate waking up and realizing he had pissed in his pants.

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In the end, after a Ministry hearing and testimony from a Pettigrew that a suspicious Ino had caught (he was rifling through her lingerie, no less!), Sirius was released and became Harry's guardian (Number 12 Grimmauld Place was fortified to come up to par with the blood protection), and the shinobi finished their mission and went home.

And, of course, Sirius, Kiba, and Akamaru became best friends and started the Dog Lovers' Society.

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Ummm, I have no idea where the disco thing came from. It just came from nowhere about 30 seconds before I typed it.

Oh, and I might go on hiatus after I finish Dariann's ideas (2 more), or at least slow down the number of updates, because I finally figured out the entire beginning for one of my other fics and I want to finish that before I lose it.


	43. Fly Like a Bird

Welcome back! 2stupid is currently… occupied… and so I will be your host for the day!

From Dariann Atis Atulgof, "How bout one where Deidara goes on a flying lesson with his birds."

So, I'm writing one. At first this 2stupid was going to title this 'It's a broom… It's a bird… It's Dei!' but then I decided that it was both too long and too lame.

And since I'm currently the dominant personality, I can do what I want!

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Fly Like a Bird

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Flying lessons. Deidara had always been interested in those.

That was why he looked at the poster hanging from the door of a pub with great glee. It showed a black-wearing person flying on a broomstick and grinning idiotically. Flying lessons! Deidara smiled a smile that was definitely unlike his usual smirk. Hey, who knew searching for his arm could be so fun?

And with that, he promptly signed up.

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Come the day of the lesson, Deidara was almost jumping with glee. This was going to be very interesting. Especially since he could make some more art! Yeah!

With that, the maniac nukenin hopped on his trusty clay bird and flew off.

The people at the flying lesson didn't know what hit them. One minute, they were learning how to fly, and the next, they were being attacked by an evil smiling blond maniac missing an eye.

It didn't help that the evil smiling blond maniac was superior to them in every single way. No, siree. And so, the flying lesson broke up as they were massacred by a very insane evil smiling blond maniac.

Who was screaming about how they disgraced the term 'flying'. And laughing whenever someone blew up or lost a broomstick and fell to a gruesome death.

Deidara smiled at the carnage and the blood-red sunset as he peacefully sat on his bird, sipping a cup of green tea that he had brought. "Who knew flying lessons could be so fun, yeah?"

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When Aurors got to the scene, they never bothered to check out the suspiciously large, suspiciously clay-colored, suspiciously detail-less, suspiciously feather-less bird flying in the air.

Nope. They just blamed it on the Dark Lord. Absentmindedly, Deidara wondered if he should join up with said lord and continue to do art.

That sounded fun. Now, where could he sign up?

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Okay, short li'l drabble. But I like it. It's kinda cute.


	44. Tobi Is a Good Boy

This is one from Rambie. "It'd be cool if Luna made an appearance and weirded sic someone out with her weirdness".

2stupid is still incapacitated, btw. I'm sorry, should I have said 'busy'?

We own Harry Potter but not Naruto, Final Fantasy VII, Star Wars, or DBZ. That's why this is on fanfiction.

And give OmniStrife credit for his 'Fun with Akatsuki' series. They're really funny, and there's one of them that I drew inspiration out of.

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Tobi is a Good Boy

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"No, Tobi, you can't join Akatsuki," Deidara said.

"But, Tobi is a good boy," the kid complained.

"Exactly!" Itachi said.

"But, Tobi is a good boy," the kid complained again.

"Tryouts for the new Akatsuki position are next week," the Leader said.

---------------------------------------((Next Week, At Tryouts))---------------------------------------------

It was tryouts for the coveted spot of the greatest take-over-the-world plan ever, and the Akatsuki were seated behind a long table draped in black cloth. The Leader held a clipboard in his hands.

"Candidate Number One," the Akatsuki leader said. "Goku."

Goku walked out.

"Wait. You can't have spiky blond hair like that," the shadowy grayscale Leader complained. If you looked closely where the shadow of his head was, you could barely make out some spikes. "That's my thing."

Goku just grunted.

"Now, show us what you can do." Goku made lightning appear, illuminating his now spikier than ever hair.

"I already told you that spiky blond hair was my thing!" the Leader complained. "Next!"

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"Candidate Number Two," the Akastuki leader said. "Sephiroth."

Sephiroth walked out.

"Alright, show us what you can do."

Sephiroth took out his black Materia. "Meteor!"

A flaming meteor crash-landed in the background. The Akatsuki leader looked at it.

"Lame. Next!"

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"Candidate Number Three," the Akatsuki leader said. "Darth Vader."

Darth Vader walked out.

"Alright, show us what you can do." The Leader muttered under his breath, "and I hope you aren't as lame as the previous ones."

Darth Vader pointed at the Leader very deliberately. The Leader hoped it wasn't something so stupid.

"You… are… my… son…" he intoned in a deep voice, his respirator making ominous noise in the background.

On the leader, a red vein mark, the only color on him (Even the Akatsuki cloak was grayscale!), appeared.

"OUT!" he screamed. "NEXT!"

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"Candidate Number Four," the Akatsuki leader said. "Voldemort."

Voldemort walked out.

"Alright, show us what you can do." ("And I hope you aren't going to be my son or some other crazy relative of mine. Orochimaru was bad enough.")

"Avada Kedavra!" Oh, it seemed Voldemort had aspirations to be more than just your average Akatsuki, for his spell hit the Leader. However, that was not to be.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" the Leader screamed, staring at the new lightning bolt scar on his forehead. "YOU DARE DO THIS TO ME?!"

Voldemort gulped as he awaited his fate... the rejection.

"Next!"

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"Candidate Number Five," the Akatsuki leader said. "Wait. Tobi?"

Tobi walked in.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"When will you realize that you're not going to fill Sasori's spot?" the Leader asked exasperatedly.

"But Tobi is a good boy!"

"Exactly!"

"But Tobi is a—"

"You're not going to be a part of Akatsuki and that's final! Next!"

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"Candidate Number Six," the Akatsuki leader said. "Luna Lovegood."

Luna walked in.

"Hello. I believe you people are a part of a plan to uproot the world and create anarchy and chaos," she said. The Akatsuki sweatdropped collectively. How had she known?

As she rambled on and on, she corroborated many points with that that their information network had gotten, including the Minister's private army and his vendetta against goblins.

"So, what do you say, Akatsuki?" the Leader asked. "Is she in?"

"She's weird," Itachi said.

"She's weird," Kisame said.

"She's weird," Hidan said.

"She's weird," Kazuku said.

"She's weird," unknown Akatsuki member #1, the partner of unknown Akatsuki member #2, said.

"She's weird," unknown Akatsuki member #2, the partner of unknown Akatsuki member #1, said.

"She's going to be my partner!" Deidara said.

"You're hired," the Leader said. "Now just sign away your life on this dotted line on this contract over here." As he spoke, red lightning flashed and Hell's flames roared up behind him, giving him the profile of Satan.

"Done!" Luna said cheerfully.

"Good," the Akatsuki leader said. "I was getting tired of the auditions."

"I think you weirded everyone out with your weirdness, weirdo, yeah," Deidara said.

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Guess what? According to Spell Check, 'weirded' is not a word!

And I suggest you go see OmniStrife's vids on the series 'Fun with Akatsuki'. They're horrendously funny and on YouTube.

There's even a second season coming out.


	45. Jashin

2stupid: 'Ello. From Dariann Atis Atulgof, we have our last request (as of April 8, 2007).

Tensa-chan: Yeah, as you can tell, we're writing this slightly ahead of time.

2stupid: But we do have a good reason for updating; we lost our internet connection. So we will probably update once a week.

Tensa-chan: Don't even ask why. Anyways, Dariann asked, "How bout one where Hidan preaches his almighty religion Jashin to the Death Eaters".

2stupid: Hai.

Tensa-chan: chuckles evilly Why, of course we will. I've been planning this for a very long time!

2stupid: Oh, dear Lord. Why must she go insane now?

Tensa-chan: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

2stupid: Oh, my poor ears!

Tensa-chan: throws 2stupid in cage and swallows key There, now you can't get out!

2stupid: Unless you regurgitate the key.

Tensa-chan: Like that's ever gonna happen.

2stupid: pulls out flame torch

Tensa-chan: Nuh unh. I've everything-you-can-possibly-try-proofed it.

2stupid: Darn.

Tensa-chan: Geez. Even I use more colorful language. Now, back to the drabble. sits down at computer

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Jashin

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"So, what's this religion of yours?" a confident Death Eater smirked.

"It is Jashin," Hidan said. "And it's the best religion ever!"

"Really? Why?" Everyone knew the Dark Lord wanted to be God!

"Because it emphasizes killing people! My god loves my sacrifices! He loves to hear their dying screams! And especially their pain!" Hidan had the typical maniac fire in his eyes now.

"Really?" The Death Eaters were very interested now.

"Yeah! And the best part is, the courts can't sue you or anything because it's your religion!" Not that the courts could sue him anyways; he was a shinobi, and it would be like suing a tool. It was simply not done. As it was, no one even bothered using him as testimony; a ninja just wasn't good witness material.

"Cool! Where can we join?!" And soon, the official application place of converting to Jashin was flooded with many Death Eaters and one Hidan.

"There's a lot of Death Eaters signing up now," the receptionist said monotonously. "Go left for Orientation and Weapons Ritual 101. Then go right to fill out your application if you still want to join."

"Thanks!" Hidan said.

"Kami-sama! IT'S HIDAN!" the receptionist screamed in awe. (AN: I bs'ed that.)

"Did the god like my last few sacrifices?" Hidan asked.

"YES! OHMIGOD, HIS VOICE ON EARTH NAMED YOU MVP!"

"MVP?" a random Death Eater who had tutelage in Muggle sports asked.

"Most Valuable Priest. It's the title given to the one who serves the God best. Although, considering your occupations, you might give Hidan a run for his money."

The receptionist reconsidered her words. "Nah. Maybe, but just barely. I mean, there's nothing like being in the world's most notorious nukenin organization for upping your body count."

"You never know," Kazuku said from nowhere. "These people love bloody murders, too."

"Bet you 50,000 ryo that I'll still be MVP, or at least one of the top ten," Hidan offered.

"Done," the receptionist said as Kazuku moaned the possible loss of money.

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A YEAR LATER

"Well, Hidan's still MVP," a random Jashin priest said. "I can't believe it. Those people he recruited are awesome, too."

"Yeah, and his partner Kazuku's moaning about the fact that Hidan didn't play odds when he bet the receptionist."

"Say, do you think we can join the 'Death Eater' organization?"

"Nah, they have to follow the orders of a _wizard_. And that's lame."

"Yeah."

"Well, I heard that the 'Death Eaters' were wizards themselves."

"Oh. Must be Akatsuki business then. Too bad there isn't an opening."

"Bummer. Well, I want to learn that wizard 'pain' genjutsu they have. I heard it eats chakra like crazy but can drive a person insane."

"Cool."

"But still, it's best not to have to follow orders."

"Yeah. Come on, let's go find some victims."

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Okay. That has to be one of the most spontaneous and most random fics I've ever written. My mind wasn't even on autopilot; there was just a scene in my head that made up characters and dialogue, and whatever it said, I wrote down.

Heh.

Poor Yugito.


	46. Never Say Imperio

This is a self prompt. 2stupid is currently out of commission, so I, Tensa-ore-sama, am here!

Yatta!

Now, on to the story.

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Never Say Imperio

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A murmur ran through the class, as Professor Moody announced that he would be putting the Imperius Curse on each of them in turn, to demonstrate its power and to see whether they could resist its effects.

"Isn't it illegal, Professor? You said to use it against another human was-", Hermione started, an uncertain look upon her face.

"Dumbledore wants you to know what it feels like. If you'd rather learn the hard way-when someone's putting it on you so they can control you completely-that's fine by me. You're excused, so off you go," was Moody's reply.

At this, Hermione turned a lovely shade of pink, but remained seated, not wanting to miss such an important lesson.

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And eventually, it got to be the shinobi's turn.

"Yamanaka Ino!" Moody called. Ino went up. "Imperio!"

Ino stood there. "Um, was that supposed to do something? Because it kinda felt like Shinranshin."

"I think he failed at casting the Imperius," Naruto said flippantly.

Moody sighed but narrowed his eyes… correction. Eye.

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"Nara Shikamaru!"

"How troublesome…"

"Imperio!"

Shikamaru just stood there.

"I knew it," Ino laughed. "Shikamaru's just too lazy to do anything!"

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"Akimichi Chouji!"

Chouji went up, eating his chips.

"Imperio!"

Chouji just stood there and kept eating his chips, a slightly maniacal look in his eyes.

"Mendokuse… Chouji's just too interested in his chips to fall under the Imperio, I'm too lazy to, Ino's naturally protected by her clan's techniques/kekkei genkai (not sure which, but pretty sure not the second option)…" Shikamaru kept listing reasons for the shinobi to be able to cast off the Imperio, not the least of which was "because we were trained to."

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"Hyuuga Hinata!"

Hinata went up and nearly fainted.

"Imperio!"

Hinata fainted from the stress.

"Wow, Hinata's too shy to be affected," Chouji munched between bites.

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"Inuzuka Kiba!"

Kiba and Akamaru went up.

"Imperio!"

Moody was promptly attacked by Akamaru and was therefore forced to release the spell.

"That's when a ninja partner comes in handy," Shino said quietly.

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"Aburame Shino!"

Shino went up.

"Imperio!"

Nothing happened… wait. Were those _bugs_ singing? And what were bugs doing there in the first place? The singing bugs were quickly overcome by their embarrassed fellows.

"Shino's bugs are handy against spells," Neji commented.

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"Hyuuga Neji!"

Neji went up.

"Imperio!"

Neji grabbed his head in pain. "Ow!"

"Oh, so the Bird in the Cage can nullify the Imperio as well," Tenten said as everyone looked at her. "What? It blocks other genjutsu of the type, so why can't it block Imperio? It was made for a reason, you know."

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"Ten Ten!"

Tenten went up.

"Imperio!"

Moody's 'imperio' found itself blocked by numerous sharp, pointy objects.

"Sorry," Tenten said in embarrassment, gathering her discarded weapons up. "Force of habit."

"Yosh, the power of youth!" Lee screamed in joy.

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"Rock Lee!"

Lee went up.

"Imperio!"

Nothing happened. "YOSH, THE POWER OF YOUTH PROTECTS ME!"

"Actually, I think it's the fact that his chakra system is messed up that's the real reason," Sakura said. "Genjutsu don't work on him, either."

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"Haruno Sakura!"

Sakura went up.

"Imperio!"

Moody found himself confronted in his mind by an infuriated Inner Sakura. Anyone reminded of a similar incident in the Chuunin Exam prelims?

"Heh. Knew she was good," Sasuke smirked.

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"Uchiha Sasuke!"

Sasuke went up.

"Imperio!"

Sasuke's Sharingan copied it, nullified it, and redirected it.

Moody then began doing the chicken dance.

"HAHAHAHA!" Naruto screamed in laughter.

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After Moody docked points… "Uzumaki Naruto!"

Naruto went up.

"Imperio!"

A lot of red chakra leaked out and formed the shell of… a tall young redheaded man with large fox ears matching his hair (and tail fur), nine fox tails, and claws. There was a golden hoop through his left ear. Oh, and he was butt-naked. But the tails took care of that.

"HAHAHA! YOU HAVE FINALLY LET THE KYUUBI NO KITSUNE OUT! ORE-SAMA WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!" he roared in glee.

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Kyuubi-sama attacked Moody, knocking him out. Because of that, Naruto came back to his senses and Kyuubi was forced back, fighting every inch of the way.

Moody was sent to the Hospital Wing, and after an hour, it turned out that he was REALLY Barty Crouch the Younger and was sent back to Azkaban. Naruto became famous and… well, that's a different story. (God, it took me five minutes of constant typing to get 'story' right. Lame…)

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So, the moral? Don't perform 'Imperio' on shinobi. It won't work and will be just a waste of your precious last seconds before they finish making... censored… out of your body.

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End!

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Omake!

"Imperio!" some poor, random wizard (Alright, so he was a Death Eater and therefore, by default, not so random. Or poor. Or innocent, but I didn't put that in. But who cares? He's just a nameless extra.) cast on Orochimaru. But it was too late. Orochimaru ducked, (if he had been hit his awesome chakra reserves and cool snake-summoning tattoo and super-dangerous killing aura would have nullified it.) and the poor sod found himself eaten by Manda a few seconds later.

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THE REAL END!

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Like it? No? Up next; Tenten at the airport because the Hogwarts Express has broken down and no Portkeys are available!

I hope. It should be up soon, though.

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Sneak Peek!

As Tenten walked through the metal detector, the alarms went off.

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Okay, lame sneak peek, I know, but just read and review!

PUSH THE censoredED, (bleep)ING BUTTON!


	47. Metal Kunoichi Detector

Tensa-ore-sama here! 2stupid is currently still… not here!

Now just read!

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Metal Kunoichi Detector

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The shinobi and the rest of the Hogwarts population were going to Hogwarts via big, bright purple airplane because the Hogwarts Express had broken down and because there were no Portkeys available.

"Mendokuse," Shikamaru said.

"Lame," agreed Naruto.

A low buzz of Hogwarts students' murmurs could either have been in agreement or anger because the shinobi DISSED THEIR SCHOOL!

Yeah, whatever. The shinobi are cool too.

And as guards, they got to go first. As they went through the metal detector, each shinobi took off hidden weapons and whatnot off their persons and put them in the bin to be scanned. Sasuke simply used a genjutsu because he wanted practice.

As Tenten walked through the metal detector, it went off. A few feet away, her container (the one that goes through the other metal detector thingie separately and that you put your watches, glasses, jewelry, backpacks, etc. in), which was piled chock-full of numerous sharp, pointy goodies such as shuriken, kunai, tanto, short lengths of weighted chains, sickles, scythes, a naginata, a pike, several kodachi, a katana, makiboshi (caltrops), every other weapon known to man and some that weren't, and even a pair of summoning scrolls for more!

"Oh, right!" Tenten said excitedly. "I forgot these!" She began taking more weapons out of her clothes… like the senbon in her hair, the kunai strapped to her shinobi sandals, and the shuriken she concealed down her throat.

She walked through the metal detector. It beeped.

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TWO HOURS LATER

The Hogwarts students were bored, the Rookie Nine were off practicing with Tenten's spares, and Team Gai was fast asleep. Apparently, they knew this was coming.

Tenten walked through the metal detector, AND… it beeped.

"Oh, right! I forgot about these!" The amount of weapons had overflowed the container by now, and there was a two-foot tall stack of metal on the floor. It was a large pile, too, about four feet in diameter. Tenten began taking out more stuff from places you'd never guess, like behind her ears and down the back of her shirt… how is she gonna have time to reach that in a shinobi battle?

Tenten walked through the metal detector. It beeped.

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FOUR HOURS LATER

The Hogwarts students were irritated, the Rookie Nine had come back and were now busy restoring the weapons they had ruined, and Team Gai was still asleep.

Tenten walked through the metal detector, which finally… nope. It beeped.

"Oh, right! I forgot about these!" She began pulling things out of places even shinobi didn't think of… like down her bra, sewn into the lining of her shirt, and incorporated into the ribbons of her bao.

The pile was now four feet tall.

Tenten walked through the metal detector and.. it beeped.

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SIX HOURS LATER

Most people were bored into a stupor by now, the Rookie Nine were practicing their jutsu and chakra exercises, and Team Gai was still asleep.

Tenten walked through the metal detector, and it was… loud.

"Oh, right!" She proceeded to pull weapons from even more obscure places, such as in her ears, down her mouth, and up her… ahem. You get what I mean.

The pile was now a towering eight feet tall. It was larger than Tenten!

Tenten walked through the metal detector, and it… duh.

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EIGHT HOURS LATER…

It was now night time, and most of the Hogwarts students were getting not only hungry, but irritated. The Rookie Nine had hunted some food and were now cooking it and refusing to share it with the students, saying "Go catch your own," and Team Gai was still asleep.

Tenten walked through the metal detector… as predicted, it beeped.

She didn't even bother saying anything as people began exchanging bets as to how long it would take. Instead, she went back to the old routine, feeling distinctly out of whack.

The pile now loomed over everyone, creaking ominously, at a whopping sixteen feet tall. Many moved back, expecting it to fall in a shower of dangerous metal at any moment now.

After tossing a last few useful kunai onto the top of the pile, Tenten walked through… the machine beeped.

"I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE WEAPONS ON ME, DAMMIT!" she screamed before remembering her last two shuriken. She pulled them out and went through… there was no beeping! Yay!

Team Gai woke up.

"Oh, my god, what is going on here?" Professor McGonagall asked as numerous teachers appeared, shocked at the fact that the students were still at the airport. She eyed the ginormous stack of metal nervously. The Hogwarts students cheered. Salvation!

"Tenten had a bit of trouble going through the metal detector, but we fixed it," Neji said, coming over.

"YOSH! FOR TENTEN IS THE GREATEST OF ALL INTELLIGENT WEAPONS CONGLOMERATIONS!" Lee shouted. Indeed, you could see that Tenten was now merely a bundle of clothing held together with some left over chakra.

The invisible/transparent Tenten raised her arms, and the stack of metal flew in and became Tenten once more.

"Why didn't you just do that in the beginning?" Sasuke asked irritably. After all, it was his Katon that had been forced to cook everyone's food. How embarrassing for a C-ranked technique.

"Because I can only summon them to me," the weapons mistress said. "That's how I was created/programmed!"

"Well, let's go then," the teachers said.

Miraculously, it only took five minutes for the metal-less rest of the Hogwarts students to wander through and onto the plane, where they received food and bedding. It also turned out that, due to the looooooooooooooong delay, classes were cancelled for the week. Snape was infuriated at the loss to torture Gryffindors, and McGonagall was pleased for the same reason.

No one wanted any more shinobi to go through the metal detector. Who knew what would happen?

Hogwarts might even become a vacation home.

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Yes. Random. But it was suddenly remembered from the last chapter I wrote and from an old Naruto fic I read.

Incidentally, that one also involved a plane, ninja, and Hogwarts, but that one is really old, discontinued/abandoned, and really obscure… That wasn't an insult. I don't remember much except that the plane was supposed to be for the shinobi to get to Hogwarts, was bright green and purple, and took off from Suna. It involved the sand trio and numerous genin. Oh yeah, and after the plane left, they hit turbulence. Temari was driving.

I think it was last updated 3/27/06 or 3/27/05. Somewhere around those dates. It was 3-5 chapters long and didn't even involve the Hogwarts population… I don't think… Wait. I do think! I exist! Waah!

As Descartes put it, 'I think, therefore I am.'

Which is why he disappeared on a plane when he replied "I think not" to a stewardess offering him a drink…

But if you know the above mentioned fic, please tell me. I will give credit where it is due.

I did try to add my own original parts to it, though.

And I may not update for a while… my mom pulled my internet connection and the only one I have left is the one at my club at school, which meets once a week. For the rest of the school year. I don't know what I'll do come summer. Probably write many chapters and then post them ASAP.

But, worry about that later. Ja ne!


	48. The Stranger

2stupid: I'm back!

Tensa-chan: Only because I was too lazy to go on a field trip…

2stupid: What? It was the Norton Simon museum! Of art!

Tensa-chan: Forgive me if I don't want to stare at modern art and still lifes. They're a bit boring.

2stupid: Nuh unh! There was that famous still life-

Tensa-chan: Right. A bunch of lemons, fruit, flowers, a basket, and a white porcelain cup. They're interesting… Hear the sarcasm?

2stupid: You're hopeless.

Tensa-chan: That's why you're the art fanatic.

2stupid: Right…

Tensa-chan: Oh, hey. We read this fic about Voldemort and Orochimaru… It got deleted for some reason, but we do remember that Voldemort was flirting with Oreo-sama… majorly.

2stupid: Oh, god. No. Not that fic.

Tensa-chan: And Orochimaru turned out to be a lesbian… He dissed Voldie! It was awesome! He said "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm not interested in guys." And then Voldie stared at him.

2stupid: Oh, by the way, this is because Orochimaru was in a female body, the same one he's in during the Chuunin Exam Finals.

Tensa-chan: I thought you hated that fic?

2stupid: Just clearing things up.

Tensa-chan: Well, onto our fic. This is a multi-part series about how Voldie meets Oreo. The titles for these fics will come from eminent existentialist works.

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The Stranger

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Voldie was out walking. He was just a few miles away from his old hometown… or so he thought.

He still wasn't sure how he had gotten in the Rice Field Country's forest. Or even where Rice Field Country was…

But he did chance to run into another man with similar ambitions as he… another man with a past like him, a man with a future like his.

His name was Orochimaru.

((Flashback))

"Where am I?" Voldemort muttered in irritation. "This is definitely not home. Or even this world. He was sure Earth did not contain squirrels the size of large dogs…

"You're in Otogakure no Sato's territory," a voice told him, the accent on the English very rough. "Who are you?"

And so, the young Tom Riddle found himself at knifepoint by a young man younger than he. This kid was only sixteen, for heaven's sake! He wasn't an adult, even by Wizarding standards!

"Who are you?" Tom returned.

"I'm the one asking the questions." The kunai dug in deep into his neck, and Tom wished he could see the face of his attacker, not just guess the age from the voice and height.

"I'm… Tom Riddle," he admitted.

"What are you doing here?"

And so, the whole not-so-sob story came out. And since Orochimaru had sharp eyes, he knew Riddle wasn't telling the truth. A minor truth jutsu helped, too.

"I see." The kunai vanished, along with the hand holding it. Voldemort-to-be was spun around, getting his first glimpse of his captor.

Yes, it was a child. What was surprising is that this adolescent resembled a snake, even more than he did. Tom found himself wishing he could be just like this…child. Who was not a child, and who was obviously a killer. One without magic.

Or perhaps not, as the newer man flicked his head to the side and began talking to a snake as if it were done every day.

"/You speak Parseltongue?/" Voldemort asked in said language. Orochimaru simply spared him a scornful look.

"/Yes,/" the other admitted. "/And we are not so different… perhaps we can help each other./" And so, the second not-so-sob story came out.

"/Yes,/" Voldemort said. "/Perhaps we can./"

((End Flashback))

And so, Voldemort had gotten a headband and weapons and jutsu training and Orochimaru had gotten… a stick. A wand, to be precise, and he was an adept at using it.

He also figured out that magic was the same as chakra, and that if Voldemort increased his chakra, he could do all feats of magic, including simply forcing it to his will.

How fun.

He still had to figure out a way to get home. And find another wand. Orochimaru had given him his back, but now his new partner needed one…

In the end, they decided to simply use magical mirrors and summoning scrolls – made up by Orochimaru – to communicate their plans. After all, shinobi were among the most powerful of warriors, superior to wizards, and wizards were the most powerful of civilians, superior to ninja.

TSUZUKU

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I know, not a lot of humor. But my humor muse got sick. It was the museum, I tell you!

Oh, and _The Stranger_ is a book by Albert Camus (he's French, so it's pronounced Cah-mooh) and is about a man who accidentally kills another man – a stranger – and finds himself on trial. Oh, yeah. And he's also very apathetic. You can still find it at your local bookstore. Well, at Borders and Barnes and Noble and Amazon (the website). And eBay. Don't forget eBay.

So now review and make my humor muse healthy!


	49. Love Potion's in the Air

2stupid: From Cricket-Mac-Wocky –?

Tensa-chan: ' I'd like a chapter where Gaara/Sasuke/somebody else get sic hit with a love potion.'

2stupid: I don't remember doing one…

Tensa-chan: Who knows. We're writing (possibly another) one.

2stupid: You're just off because you didn't like the ending to Rozen Maiden: Traumend.

Tensa-chan: What kind of (bleep)ing (bleep) would make an ending like that? It's stupid!

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Love Potion's in the Air

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As usual, it was time for the mail to come. For some reason, however, getting showered by little bottles of liquid did not seem to be what Uchiha Sasuke had in mind.

He should have expected it, however, especially considering how no one could spike his drink or food without his noticing and how the Weasley twins had made a potion that worked upon contact. And a little bit of the sender's body parts.

Which was why he was currently running very far away from a group of fangirls who thought he was 'under the influence'. And throwing yet more of those dratted… things! Aaargh! Dammit, why couldn't they just settle down and become shinobi!

So, it came to a great big surprise that Gaara appeared from a random hallway intersection. Sasuke took the chance and hid behind him.

And Gaara's sand blocked the potion. Actually, one of them managed to get inside the defenses in time… and since he didn't have his sand armor on, it hit him full in the face.

So now we have an unconscious Gaara. Sasuke immediately arranged a meeting for the rest of the shinobi on fanclub control.

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Come midnight, Shukaku woke up. Of course, it wasn't affected by the potion, and it was purging it out of Gaara's system.

"Hoo boy," it grumbled. "I'm stuck in this body, too. Ah, forget it. I'm going to go look at the moon."

And so, Shukaku in Gaara's body grabbed some sand, hopped out the window, and lifted himself up into the sky, towards the tallest tower of the building. And it happened to be Wednesday night.

Soon, many, many young first-year Gryffindors managed to find themselves scared out of their minds when they saw a demon with yellow eyes and surrounded by misty stuff, probably dangerous, and promptly ran away screaming or fainted.

"How troublesome," Shukaku said, sitting on the ramparts. "Baka ningen." He frowned, then considered his last words. "Baka ningenkai." He decided to sit and enjoy the moon as much as he could.

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Come morning, the shinobi were freaking out because they had no idea where their loose cannon was, the teachers were freaking out because their students were too afraid and out of whack to learn much, the students, were freaking out because of demon reports, and Gaara breezed in happily. Shukaku didn't try to eat his personality! Yay!

"Where were you last night during dorm check?" Professor McGonagall asked the shinobi tiredly.

"We were all at a meeting in the Great Hall," Sasuke replied calmly.

"All of you?" she retorted, glancing at Gaara suspiciously. After all, there had been some sand left behind on the crenelations…

"All of us," Sasuke replied firmly. "Sharingan!"

And so, Sasuke Sharinganed the entire Hogwarts Harry Potter series characters to forget the last night.

Therefore, the first year Gryffindors didn't know that they had a test and a major project for Astronomy due the next week. And they all failed to a man.

Hermione was distraught and did too much extra credit to try and improve her 'T', which didn't help. At least she didn't have time to search out information about shinobi, though.

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This fic was actually an amalgamation of two different ideas. The first part was from Cricket-Mac-Wocky, as you know, and the second was from an older version of 'Naruto Harry Potter Drabbles' that I wrote during P.E. last year in the wrestling room… my friend liked it, and I'm clearing out my notebooks and didn't want to forget the ideas, so I'm putting them into NHPD.

But then, those stories actually had a plot… and I was on Chapter 7.55. (21 chapters written, up to Chapter 9. Yeah, they're out of order. But there's a plot, and they're damned funny) Dammit.

There will probably be an original version of this chapter coming up soon. Something involving tanuki and their… greatest asset… in traditional Japanese culture. Ahem.


	50. Reasons Why You NEVER

2stupid: Yes, this is the original version, even though the title's different. As it is, the entire first section's the same. Go on and read the second part if you've already read the last chapter.

Tensa-chan: Please, wish us luck on the AP Exams. We need it.

2stupid: Calm down. It's only AP Euro and AP Bio. Last year, only 80 of the class failed.

Tensa-chan: I know, but it's not helping. Kami-sama!

2stupid: Calm down! Don't kill us!

Tensa-chan: This is almost as bad as being emo and existentialist! Iie!

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Reasons Why You NEVER Throw Love Potions at Shukaku

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As usual, it was time for the mail to come. For some reason, however, getting showered by little bottles of liquid did not seem to be what Uchiha Sasuke had in mind.

He should have expected it, however, especially considering how no one could spike his drink or food without his noticing and how the Weasley twins had made a potion that worked upon contact. And a little bit of the sender's body parts.

Which was why he was currently running very far away from a group of fangirls who thought he was 'under the influence'. And throwing yet more of those dratted… things! Aaargh! Dammit, why couldn't they just settle down and become shinobi!

So, it came to a great big surprise that Gaara appeared from a random hallway intersection. Sasuke took the chance and hid behind him.

And Gaara's sand blocked the potion. Actually, one of them managed to get inside the defenses in time… and since he didn't have his sand armor on, it hit him full in the face.

So now we have an unconscious Gaara. Sasuke immediately arranged a meeting for the rest of the shinobi on fanclub control.

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Shukaku woke up, feeling horny. Well, that's nothing unusual. After all, tanuki are prided for having big balls. He then went off and decided to find the boy who had thrown the potion.

Poor Random Student A didn't have a chance to protest before Shukaku (who's still in Gaara's body) swept him into the nearest broom closet and proceeded to 'make sweet love'.

Of course, after the first few seconds, the fanboy realized that it was his second-favorite hottie and made out like a tanuki.

When Filch opened the closet, he ran off screaming something like "MY EYES! AUGH, THEY BURN!"

The two simply closed the door again and went on.

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Of course, there were repercussions. Why not? Besides, it had been fun, and Gaara was Kazekage, so he was considered inviolate. Shukaku was a demon lord _and_ sealed inside said Kazekage-sama, so he was even more inviolate.

So, the blame fell on the poor student… who had really started this mess, too.

A pity he didn't care. He simply went on to try to snare Sasuke.

And, of course, Shukaku murdered him for being unfaithful, and everything was fine. Life went on, because of course, in a hidden village, you can't show weaknesses. Especially concerning scandals. The other hidden villages will be on you like starving sharks on a bloody dog.

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This is an excerpt from another fic; if you can tell me the fic's name, I will be much obliged. As it is, I don't really have time to scout out every fic I've read in the past. The list is in the ten thousands by now. It's mostly very close paraphrase, but I think the words are the original. Oh, and I'm pretty sure it's semiAU in which Itachi doesn't kill the clan.

Sasuke stood at one end of the bridge. Itachi stood at another.

"What are you doing here?" the younger Uchiha asked. Itachi cleared his throat, then read something off a paper.

"Otouto, I am here to rape you." At the younger sibling's stare, Itachi cleared his throat and began again. "Dearest younger brother, I am here to make sweet love to you."

Sasuke twitched. WTF?

"Blame the yaoi fangirls," Itachi said, pointing to the sign at the end of the bridge. There, hordes of rabid yaoi Uchihacest fangirls had Naruto strung up and tied to the bridge. "They said that they wouldn't give him back unless I did this."

"I thought he was supposed to be a great ninja," Sasuke muttered sarcastically. "And why didn't you just Sharingan them?"

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And that's where I got the term 'make sweet love' from. Kami-sama. I'm pretty sure I read that fic over a year ago… And I got onto this site when a friend suggested I read DNAngel fanfictions, although I was (still) more interested in Naruto then. Guh. But enough on my life, which is entirely too devoid of friendship.

Review!


	51. The Secret Lives of Toads, Part 1

2stupid: From Parade, we have a request!

Tensa-chan: 'Neville's toad (forgot his name) has a conversation with one of Naruto's summons'.

2stupid: Trevor, you mean? Sure. He and Gamakichi!

Tensa-chan: Read. Just read.

2stupid: listening What is that?

Tensa-chan: Oh, the dog pissed on mom's chair.

2stupid: Wait. Isn't she going to work there-?

Tensa-chan: Exactly.

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The Secret Lives of Toads, Part 1

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Trevor was bored. He wanted to see his dad again, but that seemed unlikely.

"I miss you, otou-sama," the runaway toad summon said. Still, Jiraiya had said that he wanted to play hide-and-seek.

Suddenly, he felt a strong tug and decided to investigate it. It seemed like someone was summoning someone…

"Nii-san!" his younger brother, Gamakichi, called. "Long time no see!"

"You too!" he called.

"What's Gamataro been doing lately?" the pleasantly plump summon asked.

"Not much, pretending to be a pet while secretly gathering information on these wizards," the newly christened 'Gamataro' said.

"Cool! Can I help?"

"Sure! Why not?"

And thus, Gamataro became an active shinobi summon once more.

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"Hey, is this Naruto's toad?" Ron asked, holding up a violently orange frog.

"I dunno… looks like it. Ask him," Hermione advised, not looking up from her homework.

"Well, it's better than Sasuke's snake and Sakura's slug," Harry said. "And definitely Professor Hatake's dogs."

"Yo!" the toad said, scaring the shit out of everyone. "Whassup? If you wanna play, ya gotta feed me! I like candy!"

"My god! IT SPEAKS!" Parvati cried.

"What, haven't you heard of the secret lives of toads?" Gamakichi asked sarcastically.

"Umm, no?" Ron asked, totally flummoxed.

"Well then, the story starts long ago…" Gamakichi began mysteriously.

"Yes?" Hermione asked. An unknown, historical story!

Gamakichi proceeded to tell some of the most outrageous lies ever; "The great goddess Amaterasu decided to torment her now powerless brother by creating a most annoying creature…"

"Toads?" Seamus asked.

"NO! The mosquitoes, baka!" Gamakichi said impatiently. "Of course the mosquitoes! Well, Susano-wo was soon driven to the point of insanity by those annoying stinging midgets, and eventually, Amaterasu, being the kind-hearted being that she is, couldn't stand her brother's agony and created a being to counteract the blood-sucking mosquitoes and bring relief to all on earth. And that majestic being…"

"Was a Venus Fly Trap?" Dean asked.

"NO! It was the toad, you bakayarou! The toad! We were created as superior beings, so bow down to us!"

"Umm, whatever," Lavender said as everybody dispersed.

"Didn't you like the story, though?" Gamakichi asked depressingly. "And you didn't pay me yet! I want candy!"

"Here's a Chocolate Frog," Harry said, handing one to Gamakichi.

"NO! I'm not a cannibal!" Gamakichi wailed, running off. Gamataro went off to comfort his brother in that 'Chocolate Frogs' were not really living frogs but were just… moving candy. And no, it wasn't cannibalism. Not in the least.

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Peppermint Humbug!

And please review; lately, no one's been reviewing! It's so sad!


	52. They're Hidden

2stupid: Our own prompt, now.

Tensa-chan: Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Voldemort can't find the Hidden Villages because they're hidden.

2stupid: Please read. We hope you like it.

Tensa-chan: As we're writing this, we're planning something at least five pages long, so if it's not, blame the muse-thief.

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They're Hidden

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"Where are we?" Professor McGonagall wondered. "How could the ancient wizards have sealed off a place so big?" For the place itself was at least the size of Eurasia, even larger, and the two wizards were currently wandering around a forest in search of a place called 'Iwagakure'.

"We are, I believe, Minerva," Dumbledore began, building up some suspense. (cheapo trick!) "Completely and absolutely lost."

Professor McGonagall then did something entirely unlike her; she face planted. Professor Dumbledore stopped and looked at the six foot hole next to him.

"I do hope you weren't committing suicide," he said pleasantly. "You seem to have forgotten the coffin."

"And everything else," a cool male voice slightly flecked with amusement said from behind.

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"Where is this stupid 'Sunagakure'?" Bella seethed. "I will destroy it and its inhabitants if we do not find it soon!"

"Calm down, Bella," Lucius Malfoy answered. "They're not called the 'Hidden Sand' without reason, you know. And if they weren't hidden, well, they wouldn't exactly be still around, eh?"

"But these stupid civilians; the only thing they can do is point out the vague direction of the village and say, 'of course it's there! Everyone knows it!'" Bella ranted. "And if we try to torture a better answer out of them, they say that these shinobi people will come and destroy us! As if they were boogey men! AAARGH!"

"That's why the Dark Lord wants to hire them, Bella," Malfoy explained. Geez, the lunatic could be provincial. "They will prove to be an asset."

"Then will we prove to be an asset?" someone hissed from behind.

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"So let me get this straight," Professor McGonagall began incredulously. They had stopped at a random gambling town. "You recently finished a war with Iwa, so their forces are very much reduced. You also offer us the use of your best shinobi to help in our war?"

"Yes," Sarutobi said. "As the Sandaime Hokage, it is my pleasure to introduce Kazama Arashi, my pupil's pupil. If he completes this mission successfully, he will become the Yondaime Hokage."

"It's nice to meet you," future-Yondy said politely. "It will be a pleasure to work with you."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, too," Professor McGonagall said in shock. This man wasn't Asian, was he? Did Asians have blond hair and blue eyes? (No.) He must have been a fake!

Professor Dumbledore just looked mysterious and wise and twinkled. "It will be a pleasure to work with you, as well."

"No, I'm afraid it's all mine."

"No, I'm afraid it's mine."

"Mine."

"Mine." And here the greatest shinobi and the greatest wizard were arguing on who was happier to work with the other… such immaturity. But then, even they need to work off some steam.

"Alright, we understand," Sarutobi said, cutting the pair off just before Arashi said 'mine'. "This will be an A-rank mission; Kakashi will go with you."

"Hai," Yondy replied.

"We set off in the morning, then," Dumbledore said, twinkling. He had won! "Do you know where we can stay for the night?"

"You can stay at my house," the ANBU captain Ookami said. "Hi, Sensei. Long time no see."

"How old is he?" McGonagall asked once she had gotten over the fright of thinking the masked and cloaked ANBU assassin was a masked and cloaked Death Eater assassin… hmmm, see any parallels?

"I'm seventeen, dammit! I'm an adult! I've been one for the past eleven years!" Apparently, this was still a sore point; he couldn't even drink with his subordinates! How lame was that?

"Whatever you say, then," McGonagall said, having experience at placating unruly youngsters.

"Hmph." And so, the Light side hired a few of the Naruto-verse pro-Konoha-POV protagonists.

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"You, help us?" Bella screeched. Lucius winced under his mask; damn, her voice was loud! He mentally reviewed her condition and decided that she was, in fact, paranoid, insane, tactless, and rude. As if we all didn't know that before.

"We are some of the most notorious, dangerous people on this planet," the younger one said, his odd red eyes boring into Bella's. The other one's slitted amber eyes stared back, reminding all Death Eaters present of their master and a snake. But then, what's the difference?

"And what are you?" Bella snorted. "Twelve?"

"FOURTEEN! I'm fourteen, dammit!" Why did no one realize he was fourteen! He had been a teenager for a year now, ignoring the late puberty. "_AND_ an ADULT!"

Itachi now knew how Kakashi-sempai felt when he wasn't allowed to drink with his subordinates; Itachi had always gotten past by using Sharingan, saying it was practice. Using the Sharingan just drained Kakashi too much since he wasn't an Uchiha. (And if you think Itachi's not an Uchiha, you're not in the right category.)

"I'm sure," Bella said disdainfully. "Girly-boy." Itachi twitched; no one disses an Uchiha!

"Mangekyou Sharingan!" Bella fell into a nightmare world and went comatose, foaming at the mouth. Poor her. The rest of the Death Eaters backed away; this kid ("I'm not a kid!"-Itachi) was stronger than their lord. ("But snakes are best!"-Orochimaru)

"Sen'ai Jashuu!" Orochimaru hissed, numerous snakes tying up the poor, petrified Death Eaters. "Now, you can either let us work for your lord or you can die."

"The first option," Lucius squeaked, pissing in his pants. Dammit, those were half a million galleons worth, ruinable only by piss! Today was his unlucky day!

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In the end, they never really did find the hidden villages. The hidden villages had found them.

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Done! Yes, odd chapter, I know. And no, I'm probably not going to continue this plot. You're more than welcome to, though.

And a curse on ff net because your review alerts and PMs don't work right now. May you catch a computer virus (or a million), may all your fanfictions get deleted, may all your writers vanish-

No! I love this site too much! Nooo!

Yes, I'm currently trying to get unaddicted to this site, so please expect about an update every five days or so. I hope… Who else has a ginormous 700pt. existentialism essay?


	53. Reasons Why You Don't Hit Tsunade

2stupid: Yay, another chappie! And free time!

Tensa-chan: At least until summer, of course.

2stupid: Shhh. I don't want to think about it.

Tensa-chan: Boo!

2stupid: Huh?

Tensa-chan: You're lame.

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Reasons Why You Don't Hit Tsunade

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"Therefore, Dumbledore, you're under arrest," Fudge said maliciously. "And you too, foreign woman."

"I'll have you know-" Tsunade began, but was cut off.

"That doesn't matter anymore," Umbridge said smugly. "Get them!"

"Doesn't… matter?" Tsunade had the red anger mark on her forehead, and it was growing to be very big indeed. "DOESN'T MATTER!" She began seeing red.

And then, the idiot Aurors they are, the three of them began hexing.

"Stupefy!"

"Impedimenta!"

With a roar, Tsunade, the Legendary Sucker, Slug Sannin, Godaime Hokage, and virgin (don't you wonder why), charged. With a single punch, Random Auror #1 got slammed through so many walls he landed in the Great Hall. Tsunade jumped down the Random Auror #1-shaped holes he had made, still incredibly pissed, followed by everyone else. (Even the other two Aurors, who hadn't the good sense to stay out of the pissed lady's path while she was… busy… with someone else)

And so, the other two aurors ran after their doom. Seriously, who's that stupid?

But they did so, and came upon a scene of Tsunade flinging Random Auror #1 into the lake. Hard. And since Random Auror #1 was all beat up and bloody, the giant squid thought that he was chum and ate him.

No one ever saw him again.

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In the meantime, Dawlish, aka. Random Auror #2, attempted to attack Tsunade again, the poor sod. Seeing her chest must have destroyed too many brain cells. Or erythrocytes. It doesn't really matter.

But, seeing as Random Auror #2 was currently hugging the heck out of her chest, with his legs around her waist, Tsunade came to a fairly reasonable conclusion.

"HEEENTAAIII!" Random Auror #2 followed in Random Auror #1's path, landing in the Forbidden Forest where he was promptly trampled over by a herd of stampeding centaurs and deemed unfit for consumption by an entire acromantula nest. One flew over the cuckoo's nest.

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Kingsley Shacklebolt, also fondly known as Random Auror #3, squeaked as the shredded body of his team mate landed in front of him. Merlin, that poor sod looked like he'd been trampled by a herd of centaurs and deemed unfit for consumption by an entire acromantula nest!

But it wasn't true, right? Right?

Poor stupidiot. He had no idea.

"You don't want to mess with me, do you?" the scary-demon-lady-who-had-completely-and-utterly-destroyed-his-teammates asked as she (it?) cracked her knuckles. "I don't mess around very well."

And we all wonder why Tsunade's never gotten laid. Other than the fact that she has a crush on her poor dead teammate… does that mean she likes Sasuke now?

Well, poor Auror Shacklebolt, also fondly known as Random Auror #3, took one look at the raging demoness and pissed in his pants. He could see the horns, forked tail, split hooves, pitchfork, bat wings, smell of sulfur, and Flames of Hell now, making him wonder just how he had managed to miss out on them earlier. Demons do exist!

("Yes, they do,"-Paige. "This isn't Charmed!"-Author)

"No," he squeaked, and even the crassest of beings could understand him.

"Good," the demoness said. "You have just spared yourself a one-way ticket to Hell."

Kingsley, also fondly known as Random Auror #3, was relieved.

"But now it's a two-way ticket!"

With a scream, Kingsley, also fondly known as Random Auror #3, was dragged into the earth as the evil demon lady vanished in a cloud of evil gray smoke that seemed to have poisonous qualities.

"Well?" Dumbledore said, looking at the hole Kingsley had left. "Shall we get down to business now?"

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"That was great acting," Tsunade said, looking around. The chamber reminded her of Orochimaru, a bit. It must have been all the snake paintings. "I still can't believe you work with a pervert, though."

"Why?"

"Because in my experience, perverts tend to make other people perverted as well."

Kingsley thought of the incident with Random Auror #1, a cow, a goat, and a llama, and decided not to say anything.

God, his butt had hurt for days afterward! (AN: No, it wasn't meant that way, perverts. Kingsley just got rammed up the a by an angry cow. Or goat. He never did see what it was. The perverted part happened between Random Auror #1 and Random Auror #2. Kingsley was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and got evil payback.)

"I see. Hey, what was that technique you used to get me in here?"

"I can't give out the secrets of my village, you know."

"Not even the name?"

"Fine. Do you speak Japanese?"

"…no. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Oh, nothing." Tsunade idly flopped her hand at him.

"So, can you tell me?"

"Yes."

Silence.

"Will you tell me?"

"Yes."

Silence.

"What is it?"

Silence.

"What?"

"The technique you used!"

"Which one?"

"The one you used to drag me down here!"

"Oh, that. So, what?"

"Aaargh! Don't tell me, then!"

Silence.

"NO, wait! Tell me!"

"Tell you what?"

"The technique you used to drag me down here!"

"Yeah, I know about that."

"So? What is its name?"

"What's name?"

"The name of the technique you used to drag me down here!"

"Yeah, I know the name."

"So what is the name of the technique you used to drag me down here?"

"Doton: Shinjuu Zanshu no Jutsu."

"What?" Kingsley was taken aback.

"It's in Japanese." Tsunade looked smug.

"Aaargh! I did all that for nothing!" And he would have proceeded to have a fit if the largest non-summon snake Tsunade had ever seen had creeped up behind the Kingsley.

"Hey, there's a giant snake behind you," she said casually. "And if you look it in the eyes, it tries to kill you."

"A basilisk!" Kingsley ran like a little boy while Tsunade summoned Katsuyu to finish it off.

And so, the entire masquerade came to nothing as Tsunade proceeded to beat the crap out of Kingsley for running and not standing like a good adult.

Which proves that he's still a little kid at heart.

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The entire last part with Kingsley was actually just made up on the spot. Random hilariousness and chauvinistic jokes included.

But the entire first part with Random Aurors #1 and #2 was entirely from The Notebook.

And for all you Japanese or Naruto ignorants out there (me included), Tsunade really did use Doton: Shinjuu Zanshu no Jutsu, only instead of burying him up to his neck, she just dragged him around. Until they found the Chamber of Secrets (hence, the basilisk). (And it just proves shinobi are stronger than wizards, if Tsunade could break through Slytherin's protective wards just like that.)

Tsunade also used a genjutsu to make her appear like the devil. The smoke cloud was from a smoke bomb.

You probably already know this, but Doton: Shinjuu Zanshuu no Jutsu means 'Earth Type: Inner Decapitation Technique'. It can also be translated as 'Earth Decapitation Technique, depending on which translation you read.

And last but not least, please read and review.


	54. Othello, by Shakespeare

2stupid: This chapter was written long after the previous chapter, despite the update discrepancy.

Tensa-chan: So… we may have forgotten some things or other… I hope not.

2stupid: We are going to do some different, non-Naruto fics, though, but that's later. The most it'll do is slow the update rate.

Tensa-chan: So don't worry.

2stupid: This idea was from Man I'm like bored and stuff. And yes, that is somebody's real penname. Odd, isn't it?

Tensa-chan: "Do a musical number! an embarassing musical number!" Alright, we get it! Geez, so much enthusiasm!

2stupid: Although, if that's concerning our story, that's probably a good thing.

Tensa-chan: Whatever. This isn't a musical number, but we haven't had time to research good musical numbers lately, since we actually DON'T know any musical numbers… soon, though. We hope.

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Othello, by Shakespeare

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"Why are we doing this again?" Sasuke asked nobody randomly. The Akatsuki had infiltrated Hogwarts, Harry Potter, Naruto, and Gaara were no longer safe, and the rest of the shinobi were simply very freaked out.

"Umm, because it's tradition?" Itachi asked sarcastically. "Only I don't understand why it's Julius Caesar." And this year, only the Golden Trio and the shinobi had chosen to do a play, the shinobi because they scared everyone else off with 'subtle persuasion' and the Golden Trio because the shinobi just put their names in 'cause they were short some.

"Just pick your name out of the hatbox, students," Professor McGonagall said, holding out a large, upside-down ten-gallon witches' hat.

Harry went first. "Why me?" he complained as he read his name.

Ron went next. "Huh?" the poor, clueless boy asked.

Hermione went next. "I'm a supernumerary!" she squealed. Everyone looked askance at her.

Malfoy went next. "How did he get here?!" someone screamed. Nonetheless, he drew. People heard him cuss the entire way out as he stormed away, threatening to tell his father.

Ino went next. She drew. "HAH! IN YOUR FACE, FOREHEAD GIRL!" she screamed, waving the scrap of paper in Sakura's face with such force that no one could see who she had gotten.

Sakura was so pissed that she stormed over to the hat and dragged a name out. She looked at it. Her infuriated face turned a shade of red previously unknown to man, her blood pressure rose up to 1000/0 as all the blood in her body expressed itself in the six square inches of her face, and she fainted. Unfortunately, she had crushed the paper in her super-strong fist so hard no one could read the name.

In retaliation (once more!) Ino dragged Shikamaru over to get a sheet of paper. Shikamaru, having actually read the play, scanned his sheet of paper, said "Troublesome women," and promptly went back to his seat staring out the window. No one bothered to see who it was because the laziness aura he exhuded had made everyone apathetic. (aka. His laziness made them lazy)

Lee promptly retaliated in place of his holy maiden Sakura and drew. "YOSH!" he screamed in joy, having picked a name. When he saw the name, he was joyful: this role portended good for his YOUTH! And Sakura-chan's relationship with him! (Umm, Lee, you two don't have one.)

Ino then did the Shintenshin no Jutsu to Sasuke's body to retaliate for Lee ("That's unyouthful!" "All's fair in love and war!" "So Sakura-chan loves me!" "Hell no!" Considering how Ino's using Sasuke's voice, it sounded very odd indeed.) and drew a slip of paper. Ino looked at the paper, giggled, looked despondent, and exited Sasuke's body. Sasuke became Sasuke once again, looked at the paper, became incredibly furious, and set it on fire.

"Foolish little brother." Itachi took the hat and drew out a sheet of paper. "Kuso." He shot a meaningful look at Sasuke, then crumpled up his paper and Mangekyo Sharingan'ed it. For the next seven days and seven nights, it would burn in unparalleled agony… that is, if it could feel anything at all. It was an inanimate object, after all.

Amen.

"So, who got what?" Professor Flitwick asked cheerfully.

"I WANT TO PICK A DIFFERENT NAME!" everyone but Lee shouted. Sasuke and Itachi looked at each other, began a Sharingan match, and duked it out glaringly.

Needless to say, Itachi won.

In the meantime, everyone else wrote down who or what they were, and figured out Sasuke's role. Needless to say, it left his reputation shattered and torn into ruins, forever unfixable.

But then, who can blame them?

List of Characters:

Othello- Potterboy

Iago- Itachi

Desdemona- Ino

Cassio- Lee

Brabantio- Ron

Roderigo- Shikamaru

Emilia- Sasuke

Bianca- Sakura

Supernumeraries- Everyone else

"Okay, we shall begin rehearsing!"

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Sasuke, everyone soon learned, was a hellion when he didn't want to do something. The human tornado ripped through everything with wild abandon until Itachi was called in to repeatedly Mangekyou Sharingan him, which deteriorated Itachi's eyesight and Sasuke's sanity even further.

And soon, they had created a passable version of the play, which was scheduled for directly after Christmas break and which included the entire village of Hogsmeade.

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All went well until the second half of the play, in which Itachi went seriously, unmistakably blind. The sightless Uchiha then panicked, forgot all of his ninja training (which was somehow possible), and began running around screaming. Like a little kid.

The village of Hogsmeade thought it was a part of the play and cheered like crazy to see the villain 'get his due'. Unfortunately, Sasuke was in the way, and wearing the entirely too cumbersome dress that he was, he didn't get out of the way in time. And so he and Itachi went down.

And Uchiha got the second kiss of his life.

"Eeek! My foolish younger brother stole my first kiss! My mouth is gonna rot!" Itachi screamed (in Japanese). Those who could understand him winced in sympathy while sweatdropping at the fact that Itachi could still call Sasuke 'foolish younger brother' at a time like this.

Sasuke was too busy trying to clean out his own mouth to do anything. But hey, in all things considered, his brother was a better kisser than the dobe…

Hogwarts never did another play again. Well, at least Itachi never got near Potterboy. Otherwise the Wizarding World would be short one Saviour.

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That was this chapter!

Sorry for the long time between updates! I was busy!

Gomen nasai!

Oh, btw, Iago betrays Othello. Bianca is Cassio's lover and a prostitute. Cassio is Othello's army subordinate. Desdemona is Othello's wife and Brabantio's daughter. Roderigo was another man (influenced/manipulated by Iago) who fell in love with Desdemona. Emilia was Desdemona's best friend and Iago's wife…


	55. The Metamorphosis

2stupid: And here is our fifty-fifth chapter.

Tensa-chan: Does anyone actually read up to here? I mean, we have over five thousand hits to our first chapter, but only somewhere between sixteen and thirty for our last chapter…

2stupid: I think our thing is too long. They may be funny, but they do get bored of all the laughter.

Tensa-chan: Oh, well. There are too many for us to publish individually.

2stupid: Yeah. And as they say, 'if your parents didn't have children, you probably won't either'.

Tensa-chan: I don't get it. That has nothing whatsoever to do with our fic… but this chapter is dedicated to all you blokes out there who actually read it! Cheers!

PS. Neither of us own the Dragonlance Saga or any of its characters.

Spoilers up to Chapter 346.

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The Metamorphosis

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"Are you sure this will work?" Orochimaru asked, poking the device curiously.

"Yes," Voldemort said confidently, although internally a chibi Voldie was wailing like a little baby at the dangerousness of it all. "After you put your sealing runes on it, partner."

Orochimaru did as asked.

Voldemort calibrated the machine, and there was a flash of light and a loud bang. Ahh, the sweetness of traditional magery.

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"Lord Voldemort," Orochimaru hissed, "I doubt we were supposed to end up in here."

"Where are we?" the Dark Lord–to-be asked.

"You tell me! You were the stupid idiot who operated the machine!"

"I'm the stupid idiot? You never even protested. I don't think you even knew what the machine was about! And is 'stupid idiot' the best you can do?!"

"NO!" Orochimaru proceeded to cuss out Voldemort in an entirely nasty way that left the Dark Lord completely impressed.

"Who dares disturb my rest," a thin, weak, and entirely too humanly annoyed voice hissed. A young man with white hair, golden skin and eyes, and hourglass-shaped pupils (AN: No, I've never quite gotten that, either) stood there. At most he was twenty-five, but he was also small, thin, and rather starved-looking, and the black velvet robes he wore and staff he clutched only accentuated his physical weakness.

In fact, he was so harmless-looking that his presence make the two Dark Lord wannabes blurt out, "Who the hell are _you_?"

"I am… Raistlin… Raistlin Majere," the man said, starting to hack. "And I want to go back to sleep, but with all the racket you two are making, I can't! So go away!"

"NO!" the two Dark Lord wannabes cried instantly. Of course, being the zealots they are, they took the Handbook to Being a Good Dark Lord too seriously. True, Article 51-12 said 'be annoying', but they didn't mean to annoy the most powerful mage ever (so far, only to be usurped by the only one stronger, his very own nephew). Especially since Raistlin had followed anything from the gods of neutrality to the gods of darkness. Nope, no light.

Raistlin whistled. On command, the thingamabob that was The Guardian to the Tower of High Magery at Palanthas ('highly unoriginal name, but very descriptive,' Raistlin thought) came in. IT was very powerful, and Raistlin said so.

"If it touches you," the dark mage said simply, going into a long hacking fit, "You will die. Sic 'em!"

The two Dark Lord wannabes ran out screaming for their lives. On the way, Orochimaru remembered the device and turned it on.

Raistlin turned around and went back to bed, grumbling about how the standards for Dark Lords nowadays must have been lowered dramatically, for those two idiots to have made it in their beloved society. And then he fell asleep.

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"We're back!" Voldemort cried in joy, kissing the ground several times before Orochimaru reminded him that it was unseemly behavior for a Dark Lord.

Voldemort reminded Orochimaru that he wasn't a Mary Sue, thank you very much, in terms much more definitive than that. (aka. Voldie cussed Oreo-sama out)

"Let's try this again," Orochimaru muttered, touching it again. "Just to see if my theory's correct."

Nope. A large gray gem (aka. the Graygem… duh?) stood there. Orochimaru then pointed it out to Voldemort. Voldemort did something stupid.

He used magic on it. Light flashed from the Graygem as the 'Himself' god (as named by the god Reorx, its creator) decided to do something else…

"Aaaahhhh! I look like a snake!" And with that, the Graygem's Himself nodded in satisfaction and vanished to the Krynn it had vanished from in the first place.

And that is how Voldemort got to look like a snake; contrary to Dumbledore's theory, it wasn't his Dark spells. It wasn't even his fault, you could say.

No, the blame had to be left on Orochimaru and the Graygem. Both of which were happy meddling in others' lives.

And later, Orochimaru laughed at Voldemort's stupidity because Oreo-sama had actually put in transport and summoning seals instead of power sealing seals.

And now he was the only one who would operate the machine!

For his 'blasphemous thoughts', the Graygem transported itself back and transformed Oreo-sama into a giant white snake with black hair that had the ability to suck people into its own dimension and then take over their bodies.

And then, satisfied with its work, it went back to its own dimension, Himself chortling with glee.

And that was how Orochimaru got his own weird abilities.

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Done! This was actually one of the funnest chapters I've written! Part 2 of the Dark Souls trilogy! (Aka. the one involving the existentialist novel titles. If it had a name before, I've forgotten it. Unfortunately, I've also forgotten which chapter it was and am too lazy to go check.)

For those of you who don't read Dragonlance, Raistlin Majere was supposed to be the (second) greatest mage of all history, having saved the world by going into the Abyss (kinda like Hell) and fighting (and almost defeating) Takhisis, the goddess of darkness (who is also titled 'Queen of Darkness'). Unfortunately, in the process, he had to be sealed in and now lies in a coma-like sleep to avoid Takhisis's wrath. (I don't envy him if he ever wakes up and Takhisis notices)

Anyways, Raistlin has a strong, sturdy, handsome (not so smart) twin brother Caramon, who's a warrior. Raistlin's the opposite (yes, he's the brains). Raistlin's a great politician… if he ever did politics. But he can manipulate people, made a deal with the evil lich (pronounced 'lick') Fistandantilus…..? giving up part of his life force to gain power, eventually followed the goddess of neutral magic Lunitari and then the queen of darkness herself (don't ask. Just don't ask).

Raistlin's hourglass eyes let him see time's ravages on anything (aka. death and decay) but elves. Yep, nasty. Oh, and the only reason he didn't defeat Takhisis was that if he had (by drawing her into the living world, where he was more powerful), the world would have ended. So he didn't.

And the Graygem was an ancient artifact that could change people's shapes… from the four (or more?) original races (humans, elves, dwarves, beautiful ogres), the minotaurs, kender, gully dwarves, ugly ogres, etc, etc, etc came. And yes, it was the Graygem's fault. Himself is the Father of All and Nothing, aka. Lord of Chaos. He's the one who kicks all the gods off Krynn at the end of 'Dragons of Summer Flame'. But they all come back after the War of Souls… except Paladine and Takhesis? (Major god of light and major goddess of darkness, respectively)

Wonderful story, but it does need background for full understanding.

And I hope my explanations left you more enlightened than befuddled, though the opposite is more likely… Just go read the Dragonlance saga; start with _The Soulforge_ and work your way through. I promise it's a good read. Except reading the end of any of the major Dragonlance books Margaret Weis writes promises to leave you feeling at least partially sad.

And now that you've finally gotten through the long, boring explanations, please r&r? does puppy eyes


	56. The Secret Lives of Toads, Part 2

2stupid: Hello?

Tensa-chan: What?

2stupid: Where did our first few copies of this chapter go?

Tensa-chan: Dunno. Rewrite them.

2stupid: And that is what we did. And why this chapter took so long; this document wouldn't save, so I had to rewrite the chapter every time…

Tensa-chan: Stop getting sympathizers and hurry up.

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The Secret Lives of Toads, Part 2

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Gamabunta had always wondered where his beloved children had gone. And now he had the truth.

"Whoa! Papa! I haven't seen you in ages!" his favorite daughter croaked, releasing the jutsu that had made her seem human. "I had to pretend to hate summons and act like a human and do hand seals and Henge and stuff, but it was still cool!"

A horse-sized monkey-vomit green (yes, that's an actual color. It was popular in the '60's and '70's. Don't ask how I know. I just do.) and puke yellow toad with a bright pastel pink bow waved cheerfully. However, her large, pretty froggy eyes were of the most brilliant amber, and a double row of bioluminescent dots along her back made her beautiful, despite her unusual and exotic (and somewhat nauseating) coloring.

Meanwhile, everyone's favorite hero stood in shock as his teacher turned out to be a giant _**TOAD**_, of all things. Kami-sama help him… he remembered his talk with Harry… did this mean that his hair color was dyed, too?

_((Flashback)) _

"_Maybe Umbridge is one of your toad summons," Harry said dreamily. "Imagine, snapping your fingers and banishing her from Hogwarts…" _

"_No!" Naruto cried. "EEEEWWWW! That's just gross! Besides, I've already tried! There's no way in Hell she can be a toad summon! I mean, Gamabunta's favorite daughter is AWOL, but she's supposed to be beautiful!" _

"_Can toads even_ be _beautiful?" Harry asked wryly. _

"_Dunno…. That's a good question…." Naruto trailed off. _

_((End Flashback)) _

Well, apparently they can. At that moment, a magical storm washed up and cleaned the shinobi-style Permanent Hair Dye from Naruto's… well… hair and the shinobi-style Permanent Makeup from his skin and the shinobi-style Permanent Contact Lenses from his eyes (don't know how that happened; no one does, even the storm, much less Naruto. You know he can't think).

Naruto turned out to be Sasuke and Hinata's long-lost half-twin with some sort of evil mutant Sharingan-Byakugan… his eyes were really reddish purple! He had pale skin! Black hair! He looked like the Kyuubi reincarnated!

Yeah, but that's not important. What's important is that the seal washed off, thus destroying Kyuubi and granting Naruto as next 'Nine-Tailed Demon Lord' even though he didn't have any tails (honestly, the first tailed human you see out there… send a pic!), making him the most powerful shinobi ever, Rokudaime Hokage, and Hinata's husband.

Yes, you heard that right.

At the wedding, due to her work in revealing Naruto's true heritage, Professor Dolores Umbridge, aka. Shirakawa Kaede the Toad Lady, was the handmaiden (she picked a prettier Henge this time) and Harry was the best man, for no reasons anyone could discern.

Even now, there are shinobi who will swear by their prowess that the name had to have been picked out of a hat. And whenever Naruto hears those rumors, he coughs imperceptibly in guilt and thinks back to a now-destroyed wizarding hat.

Everyone in the Harry Potter universe was glad because such an 'annoying little bitch' and 'complete and utter retard' (some of the nicer things said) was gone.

Luckily for them, 'Kaede' wasn't around to hear them, so they were spared her original techinique, the Super Uber Powerful Ultimate Toad Sword Techinique of Doom and Destruction.

She eventually married Gamatachi the Cheerful Orange Toad. And together they sired many, many, many little tadpoles of either an eye-smarting orange or a nauseating green.

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Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Harry Potter. All likenesses (but one) to real or imaginary people are entirely false and based off your own insanity. Oh, well. All's well that ends well… if this version gets published. Two pages… God, I'm losing my touch.

Oh, btw, 'Shirakawa Kaede' refers to a woman in a series called 'Tales of the Otori' by Lian Hearn. She's the wife or wife-to-be (depending on which book you read) of the protagonist and supposedly the most beautiful – and possibly deadly – woman around. (Any man who desires her but for the one she truly loves comes to a nice and gruesome end. All of them.) I thought it would be a nice contrast, eh?


	57. Reasons Why You Don't Imperio

2stupid: This was actually just a daydream from when I was reading another NarutoHP crossover…

Tensa-chan: …

2stupid: We were such idiots.

Tensa-chan: We wrote out the entire chapter, then forgot to save. Whoops.

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Reasons Why You Don't Imperio Someone With A Sharingan

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Uchiha Harry, aged fifteen, gazed out at the mess in front of him. There, off to his right, Uchiha Itachi was fighting with his former best friend the Infamous Uchiha Defector And Instigator Of The Uchiha Massacre, Uchiha Shisui, on top of the school lake, surrounded by Inferi. As of now, the only reason they weren't being ripped apart was the Amaterasu one of them had used on the poor cadavers early on.

But that's an (almost) entirely different story.

Back in front Harry watched a group of Death Eaters march out his only younger relative, Uchiha Sasuke. How the Death Eaters had gotten their hands on the now Jounin-leveled shinobi was surprising…

Harry almost wondered how.

((Flashback))

Tsunade looked at the enormous sum of money in front of her, cackling evilly. This sum could pay off her debt collector!

"Deal," she said enthusiastically, shaking hands with a small, bald, red-eyed man.

"Deal," the small, bald, red-eyed man replied, equally enthusiastic under his rather unnatural pallor. For a second, Tsunade wondered if this were Orochimaru in disguise, but realized that her former team mate would rather just kidnap the errant shinobi…

"Get Uchiha Sasuke in here!" she yelled into the intercom. The ANBU stationed outside her door vanished in a cloud of… nothing. They're ANBU, after all, and have no need of concealing smoke.

Three and a half minutes later, Uchiha Sasuke crash-landed in front of her desk, followed by the ANBU, who simply brushed him/herself off and went back to the post by her door. After all, they did this every day…

"This is your mission…" she began.

((End Flashback))

But yeah. Unfortunately, some poor sod of a Death Eater had to go and tempt fate and cast an 'Imperio!' on the poor Uchiha. At that point, two things happened.

One; all Uchiha were infutiated that one of their magnificent, advanced, yahti, yahti, yahti (even they got bored of saying it so many times) bloodline was under the possibility of mind control. Thus, to a man, including the Defector, all Uchiha (there are only four) attacked the Death Eaters.

Two: Sasuke Used his awesome, magnificent, blah, blah, blah (they really got tired of describing the Sharingan, too) Fully Matured Sharingan to return the Imperio back on its caster, who promptly fainted from the shock, and attacked.

As you may have guessed, the Death Eaters never had a chance. When it was all over Sasuke walked over and poked a twitching, prone body.

"You used Narakumi no Jutsu, didn't you?" he asked.

"Of course he did, foolish younger brother," Itachi said dryly. "Now come on we have to inform Tsunade-sama of the latest developments."

"Same here, only to the Akatsuki Leader-sama," Shisui said, and the other three (Canon) Uchiha left.

Poor Harry got left behind and had to finish his boring school year. Oh, how he wished he could be a shinobi full-time like the rest of his shinobi cousins. How he envied their infinitely more interesting lives…

Of course, poor Harry had never heard the Shin'a'in saying "the worst curse someone can possibly give you is 'may your life be interesting!'"

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Done! Oh, btw, Narakumi no Jutsu should mean "Hell Viewing Technique". I wasn't quite sure of the spelling, and I don't think it's canon, but it supposedly forces the viewer to see their own personal Hell. Hehe, and I know how to use it… it's very powerful.


	58. Body Change no Jutsu

2stupid: Hi. Here's another chappie…

Tensa-chan: Finals are coming up… I shouldn't keep hitting my racquetball partners in the head with the birdies…

2stupid: You… you…. Aaargh!

Tensa-chan: What? They don't work, and they're annoying.

2stupid: It's mean!

Tensa-chan: And there's nothing the teacher can do about it… so long as they're accidents.

2stupid: You're cruel… TT-TT

Tensa-chan: Oh, just shut up.

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Body Change no Jutsu

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"I wanna be Hokage!" Naruto screamed. Okay… maybe that much Veritaserum hadn't been such a good idea…

"I'm already Kazekage. I just want to protect Suna," Gaara deadpanned. Of course, he was probably serious in all definitions of the word.

"That's a good wish," Naruto said, uncharacteristically serious.

"Let's drink!" Tsunade said.

"We're underage," Harry pointed out.

"Who cares?!" And with that, everyone began drinking sake that Tsunade had brought from nowhere…

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Gaara woke up, feeling completely fine, an odd occurrence, especially considering Shukaku and the amount of sake he had drunk last night…. He looked into the mirror.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

From next door, he could hear an answering scream.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Although that could just be Naruto commenting on his body piercings…

But seriously, how could the two wake up in each others' bodies?

And where the (bleep) was Shukaku?

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"Wait, so you're saying that Kyuubi and Shukaku got mad because you two got wasted and decided to force you to switch bodies?" Tsunade asked in a state of complete and utter disbelief.

"Well, it could just be a nice henge," Gaara pointed out. "But in the meantime, we'll just have to henge back into ourselves."

"I can't henge," Naruto said.

"Then we'll impersonate each other… Wait. That was stupid. Naruto can't do that!"

"But I can't henge, either! See!?" And indeed, Naruto had transformed into something that looked remotely like himself… if one squinted and tilted one's eyes.

"Fine! Just don't ruin my reputation or go to sleep," Gaara warned.

And off they were.

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"Hey, Gaara," Malfoy said as he and Naruto-in-disguise walked to Potions class. "Did you do your homework?"

"Ummm… what homework?" Naruto scratched his head and gave his trademark grin before remembering that GAARA DOES NOT DO THAT.

"The mega 5000 point essay Snape wanted you to write… don't tell me you forgot about it?"

Ehhh? Snape hated a Slytherin more than he hated a Gryffindor? Naruto's essay was only 2000 points! But, of course, his grade was _that_ much lower than Gaara's.

He quickly rummaged through Gaara's bag and pulled out the prerequisite essay, along with various bandages, poisons (recognizable only by the traditional skull and crossbones label), exploding tags, a kunai, several senbon, and lots and lots of sand. Is this where Gaara keeps the sand that won't fit into his gourd?

"Here it is!" he said, handing the essay in to Snape. Gaara's reputation as an expert, precise potion maker was about to be shattered irrevocably.

**BOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **

And they hadn't even started making the potion yet!

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Meanwhile, Gaara looked over Naruto's Potions essay in Transfiguration (Slytherin had learned this last week), rewriting it to sound better. Much better. But Naruto's writing was so messy it was hard to forge!

"Mr. Uzumaki, please transfigure this hedgehog into a pincushion," Professor McGonagall said. Gaara let Naruto transfigure the hedgehog; he was too busy correcting said boy's essay.

"Mr. Uzumaki!" And too late, Gaara remembered that he _was_ Naruto. "Fifty points from Gryffindor, and I'll confiscate that essay, thank you very much."

Gaara handed it over without a qualm. He could write better in his sleep… but he didn't sleep… does that mean he can't write better? NO! He's regressing! Becoming stupid! Like Naruto! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Halfway through his depression, he relized Professor McGonagall still wanted him to transform that hedgehog and did so with an absentminded wave.

That day, Hermione Granger got very, very jealous.

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Gaara stared at the Potions Master. "And just why have I received a '0'?"

"You couldn't have written this, so it obviously was copied, plagiarized!" the potions master cried. "And you deserve to be kicked out!"

"Yeah, right," Gaara muttered under his breath. Luckily, Snape never heard him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Is that it?" Dumbledore asked.

"I know that boy, and I know he could never do anything like that, no matter how hard he tried!" Professor McGonagall cried. "Only someone like Gaara or Hermione could do it!"

Snape burst in, reporting the apparent plagiarism and demanding Naruto and Gaara's expulsions.

"Well, from what you say, it appears that the two have switched bodies," Dumbledore said. "But we all know that is impossible, yes? I will talk with their mentor."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, Gaara and Naruto, you two have learned not to get drunk, right?" Kyuubi and Shukaku said.

"Yes." Anything to get out of the other's body! It was creepy!

"Okay, then." And Naruto and Gaara switched back.

"Let's celebrate!" Naruto cried.

"No alcohol, though," Gaara cautioned.

"Just a little?"

"Okay, then."

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Done! And why won't my computer download anything? It keeps freezing halfway into the download, and then I have to start it over again, only to have it freeze once more!


	59. Questions, Questions, Questions

2stupid: Hey, new chappie!

Tensa-chan: Duh.

2stupid: Aww, are you just in a bad mood from having Chapter 16 of Demon Diary freeze halfway through the download?

Tensa-chan: I've been pissed since it did that for the thirtieth time… You sounded a lot like my inane friend Matt just then…

2stupid: Oh. Wait. Matt?

Tensa-chan; You just sounded a lot like my inane friend Matt, yes.

2stupid: How rude!

Tensa-chan: Whatev'

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Questions, Questions, Questions.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Uh oh, they're here," Naruto muttered wickedly, adjusting his ANBU mask.

"Yeah, I can tell," Sasuke said. Indeed, the Golden Trio was here.

"We wanted to ask you a few questions," Hermione said meekly but stubbornly.

"Fire away," Naruto replied lazily. Sasuke shot him an annoyed look from behind his own ANBU mask.

"You'll answer them?" she asked, slightly shocked; the two had proved to be extremely reticent and had barely spoken since they had been introduced at the Welcoming Feast, in which the blond one had proceeded to threaten the students into submission.

"We can't guarantee they'll be correct," Naruto said lazily.

"After all, everything's subjective," Sasuke pointed out quietly and monotonously.

"Nani?"

"Urusai, dobe."

Hermione plowed on, ignoring the background bickering. "Who are you?"

"We're ourselves, of course," Naruto said, sounding a little miffed, but Sasuke knew that the idiot prankster shinobi was probably laughing his head off inside.

"What are your names?"

"What's in a name? A circle by any other name is just as round," Sasuke said, quoting a 'Muggle' poster he had seen in a shop one day.

Hermione gave up. "What are you?"

"Can't you tell? We're human, just like you," Naruto said, sounding for all the world like a kicked puppy.

"The way you fight, use magic, and… just are, are different from that of a Wizard or Muggle!" Hermione burst out.

"Of course, considering we're neither," Sasuke said. Hermione was turning a nice shade of raspberry ice cream now…

"Of course!"

"Of course," the two ANBU echoed, sounding as if they knew what she was talking about, even if they didn't. (ANBU Training 101 does that to you.)

"How are you able to use wandless magic? It should be impossible!"

"How do house elves do it?" Naruto asked lazily. "To me, it seems as if Wizards are the inferior race here."

"That's not the point!" Hermione said. "Are you guys even human?!"

"We've already answered that question," Sasuke said. "Next."

Hermione took a deep breath and steeled herself. "Where are you from?"

"Nowhere you've heard of," Naruto said dismissively.

"Is that so?" Hermione had a bright, hard light in her eyes.

"If you're going to try to list everywhere you've heard of, don't. It's just a waste of our precious time." (Sasuke)

"Okay… why are you guarding this school?" Harry, this time.

"Because we were hired. Didn't you hear Dumbledore?" Naruto queried.

"No, he never mentioned it," Hermione replied.

"Oh." The ANBU gave a dismissive shrug. "Forget about it, then."

"What do you look like?" Hermione asked.

"What's with the personal questions? Do you want to know my underwear sizes, too? 'Cause I'm not telling you anything," Naruto said. Sasuke rolled his eyes invisibly.

"Why do you wear those masks?" Ron interjected.

"It's part of the uniform," Naruto replied.

"That's your uniform?" Hermione asked.

"Hello, we're wearing identical clothing. What else could it be?"

"Umm… you guys like dressing alike?"

Naruto facepalmed. Sasuke was too dignified and sweatdropped instead.

"I can see why you guys need guards," Naruto informed him honestly.

"Hey, was that an insult?" Ron asked suspiciously.

The crickets chirped in the ensuing silence.

Then…

"Baka." It seems Sasuke hates Stupid People. But that was a given, considering his relationship with Naruto.

"Hey, I know that was an insult!"

Chirp. Chirp. Sasuke ran away from the idiocy in the place before it could affect him. Naruto followed because, well, he was stupid. Hermione followed because she had more questions, Harry followed because he wanted to know the answers, and Ron followed because he wanted to stay near Harry.

And apace, everyone ended up in an odd, demented game of 'Follow the Leader'.

Poor Sasuke never got a way from the 'idiot influence'.

Thus was the complete and utter downfall of the once prestigious Uchiha clan…

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For me, this chapter was a load of crap… My muse deserted me halfway through the chapter…

Dammit.


	60. You Know Who?

2stupid: Here's the next chapter. Don't blame us for the update discrepancy; I'm banned from the internet on weekdays so my family can use the phone…

Tensa-chan: MENDOKUSE!!!!!!!

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You Know Who? (No, I Don't Know Who)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Uchiha Haru (Yes, I know it's clichéd, but just deal) stared out the window in intense boredom.

"Hey, I heard that Harry Potter was in this train compartment," an annoying blond boy said. "After what happened eleven years ago, I doubt he's still alive, anyways."

Haru's dead? Nah. But it would make a good cover so he could be a normal student….

"I doubt You-Know-Who's killed him," another voice said. "If he were dead, we'd know."

"Ignoring the rumormongerers isn't good enough for you?" blondie asked.

"Apparently not," Haru said, entering. "I'm Haru, Haru Uchiha. Oh, and who's 'You-Know-Who'?"

"You don't know who You-Know-Who is?" the redhead asked.

"Obviously not, or else he wouldn't be here," blondie said.

"Well spoken," Haru muttered dryly. "Now shut up or answer my question."

"But he's the one who was defeated eleven years ago!" Ron pouted.

"Oh, you mean _him_?"

"Yes, it!"

"But why did the Kyuubi attack you? Where?"

Ron and Malfoy both fell over, sweatdropping.

"NO, not Cooties or whatever you said, YOU KNOW WHO! The Dark Lord!"

"Oh, hiiiim. Yeah. That snake like dude, right? No biggie."

"No biggie?!" both of the Wizards screamed. "He's the Dark Lord!"

"What? We have one at home, too."

"You have a Dark Lord at home?" Draco asked, confused.

"No, I have a snake-like dude searching for world domination and immortality, too," Harry replied patiently. Too patiently. "WHAT DID YOU THINK, _BAKA_?! OF COURSE NOT A DARK LORD. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WOULD CALL THEMSELVES A DARK LORD?!"

Malfoy and Ron stared at the demon their new schoolmate had become. Was that a insert descriptive adjective of your choice insert noun of your choice behind him? …never mind. That's impossible…

"DON'T DISS THE DARK LORD!" Malfoy screamed. Bad idea, bro.

Haru promptly 'Sennen Goroshi'ed him all the way to the other end of the train, where he lay there, whimpering and clutching his abused ass.

"Whoa, cool!" the other boy, the redhead, said. "By the way, I'm Ron. You are?"

"Uchiha Haru," Haru introduced. "I think we'll have a great friendship together."

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Done! Short chappie, and I'm thinking about making Haru the protagonist of an entire series! In which he ends up supplanting Voldie-chan!

Review, 'kay?


	61. Bwahahahahaha!

2stupid: look, another chapter!

Tensa-chan: Oh, shut up.

2stupid: God, that was a loooooong writer's block, too.

Tensa-chan: And huge. It was definitely huge. Couldn't write anything but the outlines for our AP assignment!

2stupid: As much as I hate to admit it, that's really, really lame.

Tensa-chan: Oh, just shut up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bwahahahahaha!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fred and George were walking around, mightily bored.

No, that was not because they had run out of pranks. They were looking for a new member to join them, since their newest prank required three.

But it seemed as if everyone had heard of their pranking prowess and chose to remain at least fifteen feet away from them at all times. How that was possible, in the crowded village – village! – of Hogsmeade, they didn't know, but it certainly was true. George had even taken a magical measuring stick and measured the distance; fifteen feet, no less, no more.

Suddenly, someone ran into them. It was a small blond boy.

"Watch out where you're going!" the kid yelled, running off.

"Who is he?" George wondered, pulling a Dungbomb from where the boy had deposited it on the seat of his pants.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Fred asked, doing the same.

"Yes," George agreed, and they chased after the boy. "Wait!"

Sadly, neither of them noticed the loose belts or tied shoelaces. Or where their underwear had gone.

Which is to say, up the nearest flagpole. Which was on the Astronomy Tower. Some poor sods of students and Professor Sinistra were going to get a rather unpleasant surprise when they went up there next…

"We've got to enlist him!" George said, flames burning in his eyes.

"Definitely!" Fred echoed, stars twinkling in his. Both of them had their 'fists of righteousness' on.

Right behind them, Naruto sneezed.

"Ack! Where'd you come from?!"

"Aww man! I was just about to finish it up, too!"

"We need your help!"

"Wait, what were you just about to finish up?!"

A loud BOOOOOOOM explained that for them. Fred and George were instantly covered with nasty, fish-slime goop. Goop that was made of first-rate itching powder, pepper oil, and Bulbadox Powder (makes you break out in boils). And a moderately powerful Transfiguration spell.

So now we're stuck with a pair of Fish-Men and a certain Naruto. Who, for some reason, was perfectly clean. He might have stolen Neji's Kaiten technique, he might have borrowed a medic's superb dodging techniques, he might even have gone 'ghost' and phased out.

Sadly, we will never know. Although we wish we could, since things of that ilk are always useful when the baby fifth cousin twice-removed from your great-aunt once-removed spills her bowl of spaghetti with olive oil and tomato sauce all over the expensive, new, white dress you were wearing for the first time and were going to show off to your friends the next day.

But in any case, Naruto was clean, and Fred and George were Monsters from the Black Lagoon. With boils, hives, and rashes.

It certainly attracted a lot of laughter, especially from the Muggleborns.

Some few, smart individuals shuddered at the thought of either a prank war escalating between them or a time they ever joined forces.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few days later, their fears were realized when they woke up to screams.

Not to mention the other nasty, disgusting, and possibly dangerous (especially if you're anti-Naruto, Sasuke, anti-Weasley twins, or Slytherin) things around them…

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There you have it! My insane story and very, very belated update! Gomen nasai!

From: Chosha Kurenai ( )

Reply URL: did a Harry Uchiha story! He, they are sorta fun to do. I think you should

try it, it'd be so cool. Anyway, cool story...ficlets, I should say. ...I have

an idea for a mini fic for this, if you are willing to read/write it

(obviously you can ignore me completely) How about you have Naruto perform a

Sexy no jutsu and tricks the boys. ie what would each HP boy think or

something. It could be amusing. I saw something similar before, it was more a

mass reacton, rather than individual people. It could be so funny!

Um...anyways, good fic. If you decide to do the Uchiha Haru fic, could you

tell me what its called?

There are three kinds of lies; lies, damn lies, and statistics

A mind is like a parachute, It doesn't work unless it's open.

_"Fold it into a lovely and graceful Origami swan, and then step on its little head."_ -- Shannon Stacey, from her _Thirteen things you can do with a printed copy of a negative review_

Get hit with dangerous potion/body-changing jutsu

_The moment you decide to serve and to protect your country, and to take up Arms to do so, then, and only then, will you be truly free._

_Mr. Mercenary_

_Can you hear me now?_

_Cingular_

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty  
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal  
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a  
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't  
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the  
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer  
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl  
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.  
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed  
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.  
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling  
was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!

If you could read that put it in your profile

92 percent of teenagers would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it wasn't cool to breathe. Put this in your profile if you would be part of the 8 percent laughing your arse off.


	62. Dental Accidents

2stupid: Our muse came back, and this time, it's stayed back.

Tensa-chan: Lucky us, or else we would never have finished the fic.

2stupid: Oh, the perfidy of muses! Where would we be with a perpetually unfinished fic!

Tensa-chan: Right here, of course. Now shut up and start typing.

Disclaimer: Neither of them own Naruto or Harry Potter, so don't sue.

Tensa-chan: Where did you come from?

Disclaimer: Thought you should know.

Tensa-chan: Che. Keep typing, 2stupid!

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Dental Accidents

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. and Mrs. Granger were worried. What did this crazy blond mean, he'd never had a check up? Shuddering at the imagined state of the inside of his mouth, they proceeded to explain.

"Oooh," the boy said, an entirely bemused expression on his face. "I get it."

"No, you don't. Honestly, where did Hermione find you?"

"School."

"Hogwarts?"

"Yep! Sasuke-teme's with Ron, though, so he's not here."

"Sasuke?"

"Yeah! He's my friend! And rival!"

"Okay, let's start the procedure now."

Which they did, after finding out that he did NOT respond to anesthetic, sedation, or even the usual hammer over the head.

Which is good because he had perfect teeth. But as soon as he was done, Ron came in, dragging Sasuke over.

"What happened?" Naruto asked, curious. Sasuke usually didn't go anywhere he didn't want to, dragging or no.

"Stupid wanted to go check out a Muggle dentistry," Sasuke muttered under his breath.

"That's not nice," Mrs. Granger said, pulling out a pair of enormous forceps. Naruto, who was on the chair, looked at it nervously, and Ron and Sasuke were now nowhere to be found.

"Scaredycats," she scoffed, using it to move the big, hot overhead light.

"Am not," Naruto said, his voice muffled.

"Not you. Them."

"Ooh! Wait 'til I tell Sasuke-teme!" And now Naruto was nowhere to be found. Although that was probably because he was in the same place as Ron and Sasuke.

"I'd better go find him," Hermione said, running off in the random direction Naruto, Ron, and Sasuke had gone off in .

"This is why I hate the overexcited as much as the scaredycats," Mrs. Granger sighed. "Next appointment, Dudley, Vernon, and Petunia Dursley."

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Done! Like I said, my Muse is back, even though I need her for other stuff. sighs forlornly Whatever.


	63. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

2stupid: Next chapter.

Tensa-chan: I've just realized that we're trying to write five fanfictions (only four are being published right now. The fifth… you'll see) at the same time. While writing three others to be posted later.

2stupid: Yeah. Summer assignments, too. Six essays, due August 6.

Tensa-chan: So we need to put SOMETHING on Hiatus.

2stupid: But what?

Tensa-chan: Or we could finish something really, really fast.

2stupid: Option number two.

Tensa-chan: I won't ask option number three, then.

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (aka. Reasons Why Having a Sharingan Gets You Stuck With All the Work)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So… these are the Hallows?" Harry wondered, holding up a stick, an Invisibility Cloak, and a ring.

"Yep. It's what you hired us to do, right? What, do you also want us to find your Horcruxes for you?" a blond boy asked snidely. "We wanna go home, and we wanna get paid."

"Fine, fine," Harry grumbled. "Go. No, wait. Tell me how you got these."

The trio looked at each other. Then, the dark-haired one coughed and the pink-haired girl went.

"You see, it began like this…"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

((FLASHBACK))

"Let's see…. ohhhh…. So now we need to steal Harry's Snitch ball," Naruto said.

"Okay. And Sasuke can Sharingan it into opening!" Sakura enthused.

"Hn," Sasuke grunted.

"Okay, so we'll… use a Nagini decoy!" And so, Sasuke summoned a snake.

Actually, he summoned THE Nagini, who was pleasantly surprised. This fit in with the mission her master had given her! And so, they stuffed the poor snake into Bathilda Bagshot (poor gal, but a heart attack at her age isn't all that uncommon. Especially when confronted by Sharingan genjutsu.) and went into hiding.

Sure enough, they could soon hear the loud crashed and bangs made by a fighting snake summon and two magical people. As soon as Nagini gave the signal by bursting out of her skin, the three shinobi jumped down, grabbed the Snitch, Sharingan'ed it open, took the ring and resealed the flying ball, and then used a Sharingan-induced-coersion/genjutsu to make the poor boy forget they were there. Then Nagini resumed her attack as the three left, but not before Sasuke Sharingan-modified her memory, too.

((END FLASHBACK))

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((FLASHBACK))

"So, now we have the rock. It says that we have to defeat Voldemort to get the stick," Sakura said. "Geez, this is like a bad treasure hunt."

"Sasuke'll just hypnotize Voldie and use 'Expelliarmus'!" Naruto said cheerfully.

"Why am I doing all the work?" Sasuke muttered under his breath.

The other two ignored him.

"VOLDEMORT!" Sasuke roared, getting the threesome attacked by a group of bounty hunters. They quickly henge'ed Sasuke into Harry and genjutsu'ed some poor Death Eater sod into summoning the Dark Lord and giving Sasuke his wand.

"Why did you summon me?!" Voldemort roared in fury. "That's not Potter!"

"Correct," Sasuke grumbled, dropping the Henge in a puff of smoke. "Sharingan genjutsu! Expelliarmus!"

They ran away, leaving behind a mansion full of people trapped in their own minds.

((END FLASHBACK))

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((FLASHBACK))

"So now we just have to steal Harry's cloak!" Naruto cheered.

"Let's do it! Sasuke can Sharingan Harry unconscious and take the cloak!" Sakura said.

"Why me?" Sasuke muttered under his breath. Why was his ability with the Sharingan getting him stuck with the work?!

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" Sakura yelled, rolling open a human-summoning scroll. "For us!"

"Harry!" Said Harry had dragged the three of them into Hogwarts castle.

"Told you it'd work here," Sakura said cheerfully. "It's my own formula."

"Thanks," Harry said dryly, preparing to pull on his Invisibility Cloak.

"Wait!" Naruto yelled.

"Sharingan Genjutsu!" Sasuke muttered. He took the cloak and erased Harry's memory. Sakura took the cloak and waited for him to erase every other Hogwarts member's memories as well.

" Mission complete!" Sakura cheered.

"Yatta!" Naruto cried.

"Let's get out of here before they wake up," Sasuke said.

((END FLASHBACK))

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"Yeah, you don't really want to know," Sakura said. "Just know that Voldemort is currently trapped within a nightmare and you have to Disarm Sasuke to get the wand."

"Hn."

"He means 'Just do it'."

"So that's why Voldemort hasn't been active recently… Expelliarmus!"

Sasuke forced himself to remain still and not activate his Sharingan and send the guy into Hell. The wand shot out-

As did numerous kunai, shuriken, senbon, tanto, fuuma shuriken, rolls of tape, wire, a water bottle, a second wand, a handwritten manual on Sharingan genjutsu tactics written by one Uchiha Shisui, energy pills, ration bars, a kodachi, the Kusanagi, pencil, paper, ink, a set of chains (?!), a summoning scroll, a brush, high-quality string, and old clothes.

Not to mention the _other stuff_. But let's not mention that, shall we? Suffice to say, Harry ended up under a mountain of Sasuke's belongings. Sasuke retrieved his weapons and the genjutsu manual, picked up whatever else was useful, and put them away.

"Remind me never to do that with a ninja again," Harry groaned, emerging from the rest of the pile and Banishing whatever Sasuke hadn't salvaged. "And that's where my Invisibility Cloak went."

"That was hilarious, foolish brother of mine," a mostly monotonous voice said. However, if one listened very, very carefully to both his voice now and to his normal voice, they would barely be able to discern the minutest quantity of hilarity there.

"ITACHI!" Sasuke roared, charging.

"AKATSUKI!" Sakura screamed, doing likewise.

"EEK! IT'S THE UGLY BLUE-FACED FISH GUY!" Naruto yelled, putting his hands up in a warding sign while simultaneously sticking an ofuda charm on Kisame's head.

"What?!" Kisame muttered.

"OKAY! OKAY! I WON'T HIRE YOU TO FIND THE LOST SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR!" Harry yelled.

"You already have the Horcruxes?" Naruto asked, surprised. Harry nodded.

"We only have to destroy a few more."

"Have fun then," Naruto said. "And don't forget to pay us. 5,000 Galleons, wasn't it?"

"No, it was 5,001 Galleons and one Knut, remember?" Sakura said. Kisame had decided to come in and listen, leaving the two Uchiha to duke it out. They ignored the scene as Sasuke went flying.

"Tell, tell," Kisame said. "The zombie team's gonna love this story; Kazuku's our treasurer and a true miser."

"We bargained ourselves up from fifty Galleons, one Knut at a time," Sakura explained.

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((FLASHBACK))

"Fifty Galleons and one Knut!" Harry offered.

"Five million Galleons!" Sakura returned.

"Fine! Fifty Galleons and two Knuts!"

"4,999,999 Galleons!"

"50 Galleons and 3 Knuts!" At this rate, they probably wouldn't get very far.

" 4,999,998 Galleons!"

Eighteen hours later…

"300,962 Galleons, 10 Sickles, and 6 Knuts!" Sakura cried.

"2500 Galleons!" Hoo boy…

Forty two hours later…

"6,000 Galleons!"

"5,000 Galleons, 4 Sickles, and 1 Knut!"

Twenty minutes later…

"5,001 Galleons and 1 Knut, final offer!" Harry cried.

"Done!" Sakura said, shaking his hand enthusiastically as if they both hadn't just spent the past three days up, dealing continuously. "Just don't forget to pay us or we'll have to renege upon the contract, and you don't want that!"

((END FLASHBACK))

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So that's how it happened," Sakura explained.

"Good story," Kisame said. "Hey, truce for the story for the next thirty minutes until we get sent home."

"Deal."

"Hey, send us home, Harry!" Naruto yelled.

"Okay," Hermione said, looking at the giant summoning symbol underfoot. "Stop fighting, you two."

Itachi stopped wiping the windows with Sasuke. They all got to the center of the symbol, there was a flash of light, and they were gone.

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Back at the Hokage Tower, halfway through a Jounin and ANBU meeting, three teens and two infamous S-class nukenin crashlanded through the ceiling, followed by lots of bags of loot. The two nukenin, realizing that they were in the middle of a meeting of unfriendly, powerful Jounin and ANBU, quickly hightailed it out of there, chased by Danzo's ROOT team, which would later be found, slaughtered almost to a man. (aka. very few survived.)

Once the Jounin and ANBU released the three teens, who quickly began healing various cuts and scratches and taking proffered antidotes to various potent poisons, Tsunade got to the heart of the matter.

"You mean they didn't realize they'd paid you over 3,000 times the normal amount for an average B-ranked mission?" Tsunade asked, amused. "You do realize that this is now 50,000,000 ryo greater than the previous greatest paid B-ranked mission?"

"All I know is that we brought back enough gold to fill up a room," Sakura admitted.

"Well, just go home, rest, send in a mission report, and collect your pay tomorrow," Tsunade ordered. "We'll talk about the rest of it later."

In the end, the three realized they would never have to work again, decided that would be boring, and kept working as some of the best shinobi ever.

Oh, yeah. Harry eventually managed to defeat Voldemort and become very powerful and influential in the Wizarding World.

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Done!

Long chapter this time. I hope it was funny; not all of them have been lately.

Oh, btw, Harry's orders were 'get the three Deathly Hallows for me'. Harry didn't realize that he had one or two of them in his possession at the time, and the shinobi decided to take things literally, so that's why they stole the Hallows from Harry!

Oh, and I changed Kazuku's name to its correct form.


	64. Crunchtime

2stupid: THIS CHAPTER IS THE FIRST PART OF A TRILOGY.

Tensa-chan: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

WARNING: This chapter isn't funny; it's downright weird

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Crunchtime

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"I wonder who those mysterious guards are," Hermione said. The Gryffindor common room was unusually silent, most likely because of the dark, ominous presence standing in one corner. "They don't look like normal people."

"Maybe they're Death Eaters in disguise?" Ron wondered. "I mean, what with the Tournament and all, we kinda need extra security, since Wormtail ran off."

"I doubt Death Eaters would draw colorful lines on their masks," Harry said dryly. "And I highly doubt their masks are made of porcelain."

"No, it's stronger than porcelain, and lighter, I think," Hermione said. "Besides, if you look closely, tilt your head, and squint, they kinda look like animal masks."

"They do, in a way," Harry conceded, squinting at the mask of the black-cloaked but non-dementor like guard closest to them. "That guy's resembles a dog."

"The small one's resembles a rodent of some kind, like a rat," Hermione said. "The girl's resembles a cat's, and the last guy's looks like a bird."

"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs," Ron said suddenly. "It fits!"

"They can't be; they don't even use wands, Ron," Hermione said briskly but quietly. "And they're called Itachi, Ookami, Tora, and-"

"No talking please," Ookami said suddenly.

The three subsided, but Ron sent Hermione a triumphant glance.

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"_I overheard a group of children talking about us. They think we're another quartet of people,"_ Kakashi whispered in Itachi's ear. Said boy was busy staring at a table full of Durmstrang students and Slytherins. Yuugao (the purple haired ANBU captain extra from the end of the manga who was related to Gekkou Hayate the Chuunin Exams examiner in some way) was looking at a table full of Ravenclaws and Beauxbatons students, and Hayate was staring at a table full of Hufflepuffs impassively. "_Be careful_."

"_I will. You're the leader, after all; it's your duty to get killed first,"_ Itachi whispered back, slightly amused. He resumed his watching, wondering what would happen if Hayate, the (currently, due to his furlough (aka. leave, break, etc.)) healthiest one of the group, suddenly got sick. Nah… that guy didn't even get even a cough! It was disturbing! "_Besides, I'm an Uchiha. I don't get myself in irreparable chaos." _

"_I'll inform the others, then,"_ Kakashi said amusedly. He glided across to Yuugao, then Hayate and finally back to his own table.

Itachi turned back to his own business. Unfortunately, the annoying blond brat was at it again, pointing, sniggering, and whispering altogether too loudly. It could have been a provocation ploy, but such wizards had no intimidation training, so Itachi judged it a volume control mistake.

"Say, that guy looks so wimpy I bet he can't even fight a flobberworm," Malfoy scoffed. Itachi, having been to Care of Magical Creatures class, knew exactly what the idiot was talking about.

"Yeah!" Crabbe agreed.

"Of course!" Goyle said, dully picking his nose.

"If you're talking about me, at least talk about me to my face or out of earshot," Itachi told them, causing the entire table to jump in their seats. Mentally, he winced at the fact that, due to the fact that he was all of eleven, his voice hadn't broken yet and was still fairly high-pitched.

"Go bug off," Goyle said stupidly, cracking his knuckles. Itachi returned the intimidation tactic by cracking his own.

With a roar, the poor sod charged.

"Untutored barbarian," Itachi muttered in English, loud enough for the entire Hall to hear as he dodged the punches. He didn't even need to activate his Sharingan.

"_Permission to retaliate?"_ Kakashi queried the headmaster, who nodded gravely. "_No injuries, Itachi_."

"Whatever," Itachi muttered as he backhanded Goyle into the doors of the Great Hall – just as Lucius Malfoy walked in.

Needless to say, the former and future Death Eater wouldn't be making his visit any time soon. He was scheduled to wake up in St. Mungo's from his severe concussion, broken bones, and minor coma in a few years.

Everyone recorded respect to Itachi after that.

Except for the Weasley twins, that is.

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Tsuzuku (TBC)

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Forgive me if this wasn't humorous, but it just stuck in my head and wouldn't go away. I promise the next chapter will be funnier.


	65. Uchiha Itachi and the Screaming Stair

2stupid: Here's the next chapter. THIS IS THE SEQUEL TO THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER.

Tensa-chan: It came from an entirely random idea I thought of when rereading the earlier episodes of Naruto; Doesn't Itachi look a lot like a girl?

2stupid: So, please read the fruits of our folly.

Tensa-chan: Or we'll sic Itachi-sama on you!

2stupid: No! Evil Tensa-chan! I don't want to!

Tensa-chan: Of course I'm evil! And I want to sic Ita-sama on you! Muahahaha!

2stupid: I wash my hands of this idiocy.

Tensa-chan: But I don't!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

WARNING: This chapter isn't funny; it's downright weird.

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Uchiha Itachi and the Screaming Staircases

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A week later, the ANBU switched charges, with Kakashi and Itachi trading houses ("Beware of the Weasley twins"-Kakashi "I will"-Itachi) and Hayate and Yuugao doing likewise, and the Weasley twins' special, evil trap was ready.

The day after he 'moved' into Gryffindor house (aka. found his new room in the boys' dorm) and went on a double night patrol for injuring a student, he woke up to an unpleasant surprise.

To anyone who does not know, night patrol is divided up into three sections; first watch right after 'dinner' or 'the latest fight' that lasts until midnight, the dreaded dog watch from midnight to three, and the dawn watch from three to six. After that, all ANBU members are expected to wake up and get ready and do whatever they have to.

However, since this is a school full of students who are NOT ANBU, the dog watch goes from midnight to four and the dawn watch from four till eight. There is no first watch since all ANBU are up and all students are safely ensconced in their rooms and the teachers are on the prowl.

Technically, Itachi didn't get any sleep last night. But since they _are_ ANBU and therefore cautious about energy, time, and resources, including sleep, today happened to be Saturday and Itachi managed to get in half an hour's sleep before everyone woke up. Of course, today had to be the one day in which all students woke up fifteen minutes early and decided to lay a booby trap.

A pity the only thing the sleep did to him was muddle his brain up and give him a headache from the soldier pills he didn't consume. And aches from the armor, clothes, mask, and armor he hadn't bothered to take off before dropping off to bed.

Therefore, he didn't notice the thinner-than-spider silk, invisible, and carefully placed thread that led to an interesting arrangement of buckets, water, Canary Creams, and sundry other items.

He did notice that he had set off a trap, however, but in his dazed state, he only managed to waltz right into it. Students watched in awe as he promptly got doused in water, Canary Creams, unidentifiable swamp goo and peat moss, toothpaste, paprika, dirt, flour, other wet, sticky, or grainy things, and a large, fat pillow.

The large, fat pillow was twice the size of the Uchiha and moving much faster than he was; therefore, Newton's laws stated that the pillow must knock Itachi off his feet and sweep him up like a lover. They were half right; Itachi used his super ninja powers to bounce off the pillow.

Sadly, he forgot to look before he leapt and landed on the girl's dormitory staircase with a soft, high-pitched yelp from his now-abused tailbone. His activated Sharingan gave split-second notice of the impending shriek, slide, and ride back into HELL. So he stopped it by tricking the staircase into thinking he was a girl by using his awesome hypnotizing technique. How it worked on inanimate objects, even the author does not know.

"OH MY GOD ITACHI'S A GIRL!" Hermione shrieked.

"NO I'M NOT! I'M MALE!" Itachi screamed back before calmly removing his mask, cloak, and gloves, the only things that had gotten wet and dirty.

"She even looks like a girl!" Parvati marveled.

"Yeah!" Lavender echoed.

"Am I missing something here?" Kakashi demanded, staring at the utter chaos, gender-baffled staircase and person on it, and the other Gryffindors standing as if their backs were glued to the walls to avoid triggering any traps.

"NO," Itachi said the same time Hermione said, "Yes."

"We didn't know that Itachi was a girl," Hermione said, pointing.

"That's because he's not," Kakashi replied. "If you want, he'll strip for you and prove it."

"EGHKLRK!" Itachi said, turning a rich shade of purple.

"Oh, wait. There's underage girls here, too. But I swear, he really is a boy."

There was silence… then…

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the entire room broke out in laughter but for three people.

"But the staircase didn't throw him off!" Hermione almost wailed, screaming to be heard over the din. "It's jinxed to turn into a slide and start wailing as soon as a boy sets foot on it!"

"Really?" And before anyone could stop him, Kakashi crossed the room without triggering any traps, jumped up next to Itachi, and didn't trigger the mechanism. The kids ooh'ed with appreciation. "It think it's broken."

"Actually, it's my Sharingan," Itachi replied, using ANBU sign language.

"KISS HER!" Fred or George called out. "WE'RE GOING UP!"

What followed was a mass stampede of boys attempting to see into the 'unknown' girls' side and a counter mass stampede of girls running to protect their pictures, lingerie, and privacy.

They managed to trigger the remaining traps and get down and dirty… not like that, perverts.

Itachi turned off his Sharingan so he could stare at the mess, forgot about his genjutsu (very unANBU like of him), and promptly fell off the resulting slide and got dirtier than before. Kakashi, who was smarter, jumped up and landed on the wall.

Polite snickers came from the ceiling, where Yuugao and Hayate were safely ensconced. Yuugao held up a camera.

"NOOOO!" Itachi shrieked, lunging for it. Yuugao and Hayate ran off, with Itachi and Kakashi following them.

"That was weird," Fred said.

"We got blackmail, though," George replied, pulling out his own camera and photos.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, and incensed Itachi appeared like a black cloud of Death itself, took the pictures, and burned them up.

"Our blackmail!" George wailed. "Nooooo!"

"You… will… pay…." Itachi said zombielike as he pulled out his katana…

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Forgive me if this wasn't humorous, but it just stuck in my head and wouldn't go away. I promise the next chapter will be funnier. (didn't I promise this last chapter?)


	66. Super Sharingan

2stupid: Sequel to last chapter.

Tensa-chan: Don't ask. Just read.

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Super Sharingan

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Itachi wondered just how stupid he could have been. The fourteen year old ANBU captain had managed to get stuck on one of these very long missions just before he had planned out the whole Uchiha massacre. Now, he just hoped no one stumbled on his weapons caches or secret booby traps.

In the meantime, however…

"Waaah!" someone cried as he or she dodged a random kunai, and then Itachi met Voldemort.

"You look like an underbred cross between a starved Muggle and a garden snake," Itachi said immediately.

"YOU FOOL! DON'T YOU DARE DISS THE DARK LORD!" Bellatrix shrieked.

"I'LL DISS WHOEVER I LIKE, WOMAN!" Itachi shrieked back.

"VOLDEMORT'S MINE!" a not-so-dead Harry shrieked from nowhere.

"CRUCIO!" Bella shrieked, aiming at Itachi, who merely substituted himself with one of Voldemort's lackeys.

"YOU DARE ATTACK ME?!" Itachi roared in fake fury (he's a shinobi, he's supposed to be attacked!). "FACE MY WRATH!" (that part's true)

Itachi, having turned his Sharingan on, promptly began shooting out Crucio beams from his eyes and freaking people out.

No, that's evil Superman. But he did use his super-awesome Mangekyou Sharingan (the one he got from killing Shisui the day before the mission) to trap all the poor Death Eaters in their worst nightmares and then laugh maniacally despite the fact that he had used up all his chakra.

The Dark Lord and everyone else (but Harry) stared in shock and horror at the frothing, twitching Death Eaters.

Harry was smart and Avada Kedavra'ed Voldemort when he wasn't looking.

"Done," Itachi said, knocking out the Death Eaters in his path and letting the rest be. "I need to go back now."

"What about payment?" Harry asked stupidly. Itachi paused, weighing the pros and cons.

"Fine."

Itachi got paid and went home to see what had happened in his absence.

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"You know what's funny?" Uchiha Mikoto said as she served her son dinner for the first time in ten months (aka. since he started his mission). "Right after you left, the Hokage sent out an ANBU squad to check for missing weapons and found them cached all over Konoha in strategic places, so he decreed that everyone Jounin level or up would get access to them in case of invasion." Itachi froze.

There went his plan.

"Then we discovered that Shisui had been having suicidal tendencies from this quack psychiatrist he'd supposedly been seeing," Mikoto continued, oblivious. "The guy wore this really odd black cloak with red clouds on it, had a lot of piercings, and looked like an ex-shinobi. Oh, and Fugaku decided that you'll be next heir to the Uchiha clan, after Sasuke."

Itachi choked. "After _Sasuke_?"

"We decided that Sasuke didn't have a future, so we'd give him one," Mikoto said. "In any case, you're the better mediator, so you should be able to travel around while your brother deals with clan matters."

"Does _Sasuke_ want to be clan head?" Itachi asked. "He said he wanted to go into ANBU."

"Oh dear… I'd better ask Fugaku for that evil, special training course, then. You know, the one that got you to activate your Sharingan," Mikoto said cheerfully.

Itachi shuddered inside and toyed with killing off the rest of the clan for his little brother's sake, then ditched the idea. The training would do Sasuke some good, if it didn't kill him first…

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End.

Forgive me if this wasn't humorous, but it just stuck in my head and wouldn't go away. At this point, I can't promise the next chapter will be funnier. (lame)


	67. Ron Can't Gamble

2stupid: New chapter.

Tensa-chan: That was fast.

2stupid: It's what comes of stimulating your creative juices.

Tensa-chan: At this point, I doubt either of us can remember every chapter we've written.

2stupid: So if something looks really familiar, it's because it probably is.

Tensa-chan: Just start writing.

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Ron Can't Gamble

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"New students?" Harry asked, looking at the odd group in front of them. There were five or six people in it.

"These people are transferring from another school, and I fully expect you to integrate them fully into your houses," Professor McGonagall said sternly.

"Haruno Sakura," Professor McGonagall announced.

"Wow, she's hot!" Ron whispered. Sakura heard from fifty meters away and threw them a dirty look before Professor McGonagall shoved the hat on Sakura's head. "Five Galleons says she's a Gryffindor."

"RAVENCLAW!"

"NO!"

"Hush, Mr. Weasley. Don't be so rude to the transfer students," Professor McGonagall scolded. The transfer students looked apathetic. "Sabaku no Gaara."

"Five Galleons on Slytherin," Ron said as they stared at the homicidal-maniac kid with the insane look, permanent bags, and giant-mysterious gourd climbed on.

There was a pregnant pause…

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"WHAT?"

"Please kindly shut up, Mr. Weasley," Professor McGonagall said disapprovingly. "Sabaku no Temari."

A stubborn-looking girl with a giant fan stepped up, a piss-me-off-and-suffer look in her eyes.

"Five Galleons on Slytherin," Ron whispered again.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"NO!"

"Mr. Weasley, if you do not remain silent, you will be removed from this Hall," Professor McGonagall warned. "Sabaku no Kankuro."

"They have weird names," Ron bemoaned. "Five Galleons on Ravenclaw."

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"AA-eek!"

"You're learning, Mr. Weasley, that's good," Professor McGonagall said. "Uchiha Sasuke."

"Five Galleons on Gryffindor," Ron said. "I mean, look at what happened to Gaara."

"It's Kazekage-sama," Gaara said, sitting next to Ron.

"SLYTHERIN!"

"WHAT? NO WAY IN HELL!"

"What have I said, Mr. Weasley? Another outburst like that and you will be banned from all subsequent Sortings as long as you remain a student of Hogwarts," Professor McGonagall said as Ron gulped. "Uzumaki Naruto."

A cheery-looking Naruto skipped up, tripped on nothing, caught himself, and sat on the hat.

"Five Galleons on Hufflepuff," Ron whispered.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Ron commenced beating his head upon the table.

"Using a knife is faster and easier," Gaara said from next to him. Everyone shuddered and scooted away from him. Crazy homicidal maniac!

"Hiya, Gaara!" Naruto flopped himself down on a recently vacated seat.

"Hello, Uzumaki." Gaara twitched slightly. No, mustn't kill, mustn't killllllll!!!!

"Foun' the las' two," Hagrid said suddenly, showing up with a very ill white-haired boy wearing an odd bandana with a metal plate with an etching of a music note around his neck and a slightly disoriented blonde lady.

"Well then… Kaguya Kimimaro."

"Five Galleons on Slytherin," Ron said.

"The snake group? That would be fitting."

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"WHAT?" This time, all the shinobi (including the blonde) shouted, as well as Ron. Professor McGonagall snapped.

"Fifteen million bazillion bajillion points from each screamer!" she shouted.

Overhead, the hourglasses cracked because they didn't have enough gems to get rid of fifteen million bazillion bajillion points. Then they remembered that the school year hadn't started yet and her point-deducting didn't count and repaired themselves.

"Students," Dumbledore said as Professor McGonagall retired, fuming, to her seat. "Your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for this year will be Yugito Nii." The blonde woman bowed.

"Don't know who she is," the shinobi replied to the unanswered questions. "Or her affiliations."

"Oh. Well, in that case, I just won't tell you, then!" Yugito said cheerfully and a little bloodthirstily, her own maniacal-killer look reflecting the light in a rather scary way.

"She wouldn't have told us anyways," the shinobi said automatically.

"Oh." Then Dumbledore started the feast and everyone turned their attentions to their food.

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Done! Like the chappie? Hate it?

Am I losing my touch?

Are you guys even reading up to this point?


	68. Ambushes and Perverts

2stupid: Here is the next chapter. Our idea is from Chosha Kurenai.

Tensa-chan: 'How about you have Naruto perform a Sexy no jutsu and tricks the boys.'

2stupid: Your wish is my command.

Tensa-chan: Not mine, though.

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Ambushes and Perverts

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Somewhere, a certain Authoress showed Naruto an idea.

Naruto decided to implement the plan…

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Gaara was walking around at night. Alright, alright. It was only ten-thirty, but he was frickin' bored!

That all changed when he turned the corner…

His sand had to protect him in his little cocoon/eggshell thingie to preserve his innocence. For what he saw was…

"Oiroke no Jutsu!" Naruto yelled in glee. "Aw man! Gaara!"

… Third Eye technique! (Gaara didn't really care about his innocence. Having a relative attempt to kill you when you were younger tends to do that to you.)

Gaara drooled… Ohmigod he's a closet pervert! Shukaku screamed in fury, clutching his balls. This was unfair! If there was a sexy naked girl out there, why wasn't there a sexy tanuki girl out there as well!

Oh hey… his host has a nosebleed! Shukaku plugged it with sand, causing Gaara to attempt to snort the sand out before he returned to goggling.

'_Mmm… 's blood…'_ the bloodthirsty Ichibi thought.

Female Naruto, in the meantime, was oblivious to the thoughts, and walked over. He noticed a little ball of sand hovering in front of the big one, attempting to see his front.

He poked it.

"AAAAHHH! MY EYE!" Gaara shrieked. He mentally promised never to peek at ladies in baths anymore since apparently such sins got one's eyes poked out.

In the back of Gaara's mind, Shukaku groaned in disappointment. Why? Why? Why? He had just been enjoying the view!

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Sasuke turned when he felt a presence.

"Go away, Naruto. I know it's you."

"… Damn." Naruto-female stood up, gloriously nude.

"And go put some clothes on or bother the clients."

"Hey, good idea!"

"Wait, don't!"

Too late.

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Harry was waiting for Sirius alone at the fire. And waiting. And waiting.

When suddenly a naked, sexy, blonde girl burst out of the flames. And blew him a kiss.

"Hairy-kun!" the girl said, throwing her arms around him and blowing him a kiss.

Harry felt his nosebleed propel his head (and then by default the rest of his body) into the air like a rocket launcher. Of course, there was a ceiling, so he hit it and had to come down.

By then, the strange girl was gone.

"Ino?" he wondered. "Naruto?"

Which one was it?

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Draco woke up suddenly.

There was an intruder in his bed.

A _naked_ intruder.

A naked, _female_ intruder.

A naked, female, _sexy_ intruder.

A naked, female, sexy intruder _blowing him a kiss_.

A naked, female, sexy intruder blowing him a kiss _and shoving her chest in his face_.

A naked, female, sexy intruder blowing him a kiss and shoving her chest in his face _was beginning to straddle him_.

Draco's eyes bulged out of his head, he let loose a girly scream, and he ran away to the unicorns of the forest who would appreciate his purity.

Back in Draco's bed, the girl poofed away to reveal a perfectly clothed Naruto holding a camera and laughing silently.

Wussy virgin.

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Naruto looked at his night's gleanings from the secret shinobi spy-cam that ran off very little chakra. Ooh, Draco's a poor bitch. He must be an uke.

Harry's a great pervert. Teach him the great Oiroke and peeking techniques!

Sasuke ruins his fun. He must pay. Sasuke then gives him targets. He doesn't need to pay. Sasuke tries to stop him… HE MUST PAY!

Gaara's a closet pervert… Tell the whole school!

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The next day, thanks to many flyers floating from the ceiling of the Great Hall, banners hung up all over the school on both its exterior and interior, and magical loudspeaker commentaries, everyone knew that Sasuke was a bitch obsessed with his older brother and that Gaara was a closet pervert.

Or at least a former closet pervert. Somehow, the 'closet' part of 'closet pervert' never survives when they come out into the open… then it becomes 'open pervert'.

Like Jiraiya!

For the rest of the mission, Naruto had to dodge various assassination attempts and mutilating traps from a pissed off Gaara and Sasuke.

They stopped, however, once Naruto revealed Draco as a skittish virgin (much to his detriment) in the same way.

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Done. I hoped you liked it, Chosha Kurenai. If you want me to do others, review and tell me. If no one sees a sequel to this, assume Chosha Kurenai is happy.


	69. Veela Seduction Genjutsu

2stupid: Don't ask.

Tensa-chan: We read too much for our own good.

2stupid: Also, we're incorporating a request (at least we think it's a request) from venusgal100

Tensa-chan: 'Tsunade and Ron should get together and lose lots of money.'

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Veela Seduction Genjutsu

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It was the Quidditch World Cup. Harry turned around as Fudge introduced a delegation from Japan.

"Hello," Mr. Weasley said, flustered. "It's an honor for you to be here… we haven't hosted a Japanese wizard for decades…"

Harry thought it was rather odd that the 'wizards' wore odd clothing that was not quite Muggle and not quite Wizarding as if they wore it every day.

"This is… Kazekage-sama – that's a title, by the way. His real name is Gaara – his siblings, Kankuro and Temari, their former mentor, Baki, the Hokage-sama – yet another title, her real name is Tsunade – Sasuke, Naruto, Sakura, and… where'd the other one go?"

"I'm sorry I'm late," a sliver-haired, masked man said lazily, reading an orange porn book and appearing in a cloud of smoke. "I got lost on the road of life."

Nobody answered, as they were all too busy choking on smoke or used to it already.

"Oops, I must have used the Acrid Smoke Bomb for Dangerous Situations and Missions in Hostile Countries instead of the Normal Smoke Bomb for Use in Your Village or Friendly Places," Kakashi said, pulling out a wrapper from nowhere. "Don't worry. This brand is… nontoxic? What's the use of that?"

Everyone sweatdropped.

Fudge simply vanished at the nearest opportunity. Ron and Tsunade placed bets that Bulgaria would win but Lynch would catch the Snitch. Tsunade bet 1000 Galleons on each happening, and Ron bet 1 Knut.

And then, the veela began dancing.

Harry, Ron, and several other poor underage sods who didn't know about the Veela Seduction Charm attempted to commit suicide by jumping off the side of the stadium.

The shinobi noticed it was a genjutsu and deflected it… except for Naruto, who was stupid enough to forget about his genjutsu lessons, and Sasuke, who copied it for unknown reasons before dispelling it.

"How come you people are unaffected?" Hermione asked Gaara.

"We're emotionless," he stated.

"I'm a girl," Tsunade, Sakura, and Temari said simultaneously.

"I'm immune," Sasuke replied.

"I know how to counter it," Baki smirked.

"We got mad skillz!" Kankuro gloated.

"Hunh? Did you say something?" Kakashi asked, looking up from his Icha Icha Paradise and gazing around before turning back to his book.

Everyone sweatdropped and turned back to the match.

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"Wow, that was unexpected," the shinobi said unexpectedly. After all, whatever Tsunade bets will come out to be the opposite of what really happens.

Meanwhile, both gamblers were mourning the loss of their respective pocket money.

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Done. Hope you don't hate this chapter.


	70. The Teacher from Hell

2stupid: We had a really good idea for this fic.

Tensa-chan: and then we forgot it.

2stupid: And then we remembered it again.

Tensa-chan: And then we forgot it again.

2stupid: So here is your next chapter.

Tensa-chan: We're not sure if this is the idea or not, since we've forgotten it.

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The Teacher from Hell

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"And for Defense Against the Dark Arts," Dumbledore announced. "I would like to introduce Professor Hatake."

The spotlight shone on an empty seat. The magical theatrics got confused and went haywire for a minute or two before breaking down in confusion and shock.

"Well, he does have a habit of being late," Dumbledore said amusedly. "So let the feast-"

"I'm sorry I'm late," Kakashi said, appearing in a magical poof of smoke. He was reading an orange porn book. "I got lost on the road of life."

"Well, this is Professor Hatake," Dumbledore introduced again. The theatrics got themselves organized and working again.

The students dutifully clapped. Most of them were insanely curious about three things: 1. their teacher's face; 2. the book he was absorbed in; 3. the reason for his lateness.

They didn't believe he'd gotten lost on the road of life. Which was, by the way, true.

"Thank you," Kakashi (for it was obviously Kakashi) said.

"Hem, hem," Professor Umbridge coughed furiously.

"Oh, yes, Professor Umbridge was supposed to be the Ministry's stand in for Defense teacher, but since we have a candidate, she can now go back to being the Minister's junior undersecretary," Dumbledore said calmly.

Professor Umbridge turned a violent shade of puce before turning around on her heel and leaving.

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"I wonder what he's teaching us?" Harry asked.

"Probably shit, if he's not here by now," Malfoy said. It was halfway through the first period, and their teacher still hadn't shown up.

"Ah, but he is here now," Kakashi said, suddenly appearing behind Malfoy and scaring the kids. He was still wearing a facemask and reading his pornbook.

"EEK!"

"You scream like a girl, you know that?" a blond boy sniggered.

The class jumped. Gah! Where did he come from!

"Class, I'd like to introduce you to my team from back home. They are the assistant professors and therefore your superiors," Kakashi said. He then introduced the blond boy, emo boy, and pinky.

"Where have you been?" Draco asked bluntly. He was about to say more but Kakashi cut him off.

"We got lost on the road of life."

"LIAR!" Naruto and Sakura screamed.

"Liar," Draco muttered.

"Hn," Sasuke said.

The rest of the class was too shocked to say anything.

"I heard that, Malfoy. Fifty points for Slytherin for disrespecting authority. Fifty points to Gryffindor for not disrespecting authority."

"But-!"

"These are the assistant professors, despite the fact that they're twelve. We have a different relationship. Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, go run five hundred times around the lake."

The three kids walked off.

"They're _twelve_?" Hermione said, shocked. "And you expect them to run five hundred times around the _lake_?"

"Yes. Is there anything wrong with that?"

No one thought it wise to answer.

"Alright, then. Let's go outside and get started."

Everyone had a sinking feeling in his or her stomach.

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"My first impression of you guys is… you guys suck," Kakashi said, looking at the wiped out people who had barely run one-third of the way around the lake. Meanwhile, Sasuke came in for his five hundredth lap, Naruto came in for his four hundred ninety ninth lap, and Sakura came in for her four hundred and ninety eighth lap.

"Especially you, Malfoy, Zabini. Fifty points from Slytherin each for your dropping out early. Harry, Dean, congratulations. You guys actually made it around a third of the lake. Fifty points each to Gryffindor."

The exhausted students could only groan and look at the now-finished trio and the teacher. None of them looked like they had even been exercising!

"Now race fifty times around the perimeter of the school," Kakashi commanded his shinobi students. "Kids, get up again. We're not done. We still have two-thirds of the way to go."

Everyone moaned at their teacher from hell.

"For that, you get another lap. Now get moving!"

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	71. The Wand Choosing

2stupid: Okay, new chappie. We're keeping 'em rollin'.

Tensa-chan:Just be sure to read 'em.

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The Wand Choosing

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"For the last time," Sakura said patiently. "Naruto, 'choosage' is not a word. 'choose' and 'usage' are, but not choosage."

Naruto groaned as they went in the door of Olivander's to get their wands. "English is so complicated," he complained.

"Hello," Ollivander said. "Your first wands?"

"Yep."

"Well then, let's get started."

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"I'm afraid you've tried every wand in my shop," Ollivander said to the trio.

"Every?"

"Every single one of you, every single wand. Each. Well… except for these three special ones… let me get them." Ollivander hurried into the back of his shop and picked out three wands. One was red, one was black, and the other was a pale amberish-tan.

Naruto picked up the black one, Sasuke picked up the pale one, and Sakura picked up the red one.

"No," Ollivander said. He switched wands. Now Naruto had the pale one, Sasuke had the red one, and Sakura had the black one.

"No, no, no." He switched them again. Now Naruto had the red one, Sasuke had the black one, and Sakura had the pale one.

They managed to summon Katsuyu, Gamabunta, and Manda. As people ran screaming from the giant snake, Ollivander surveyed his damaged shop in sadness.

"Well, at least you've found your wands."

"So, what's in them?" Sakura asked curiously.

"Erm.… I really don't know. I found them in the woods one day."

The three sweatdropped.

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A MONTH LATER, AT HOGWARTS

"Aaargh!" Naruto cried. "Do these wands do _anything_ besides summon our bosses?"

Sasuke and Sakura surveyed the three summons, who had destroyed a part of the tower for the 4343982th time.

"No, probably not," they said dryly. The summon bosses agreed before vanishing.

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Naruto growled and tried to cast a spell. Gamabunta reappeared.

Sasuke threw his wand, which emitted sparks and set some papers in a metal wastebasket with no other flammable objects in reach alight. Manda reappeared.

Sakura attempted to put out the flames, which continued burning merrily for another minute and a half before blazing out. Katsuyu reappeared.

"If you keep summoning, I'll eat the entire school!" Manda threatened.

"Naruto, stop summoning me. It's getting annoying," Gamabunta said.

"Why don't we take the summoning wands so they don't destroy anything?" Katsuyu asked.

And so, the three summons took the wands and disappeared, revealing that they had now destroyed the tower for the 4343983th time.

"Oh, crap," Sasuke cursed. "How are we going to fit in now?"

Nonetheless, when they told their problems to McGonagall and Dumbledore, both exalted personages whooped with joy at not having crazy giant animals intruding in on classes anymore.

The three ninjas sweatdropped. This wasn't helping…

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Done! I hope you liked this.


	72. Voldie Meets the GirlyMen

2stupid: Welcome to our latest chapter!

Tensa-chan: You are free to look but not to steal!

2stupid: That's rude! You know nothing here is copyrighted!

Tensa-chan: And your point is?

2stupid: ignores Tensa-chan Anyways, next chapter will be a sequel of sorts.

Tensa-chan: There will be inter-chapter humor, so you are warned.

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Voldie Meets The Girly-Men

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"I have a… proposition," Voldemort said smoothly to the two weirdoes across from him. They were wearing weird black cloak/robe thingies with red CLOUDS on them, for heaven's sake!

In Voldemort's opinion, having red clouds on an otherwise menacing black cloak totally ruined the effect. And not to mention those lame straw hats... hoods were much better! And the fugly sandals...

But this isn't Voldie's fashion show. This is a serious (yeah, right) recording of a possible trans-dimensional pact between two evil powers.

"Oh?" the shorter one said, possibly raising an eyebrow. Voldemort couldn't tell, what with the stupid hat. No, his eyesight wasn't going, it was just too dark and fuzzy in here!

"I can help dispatch Death Eaters to help you capture your... bijuu. In return, you can help by sacking a castle of mine," Voldemort offered.

"What's the benefit?" the taller one asked. "Hmmm?"

"As I said, we can help you-!"

"We already have no trouble capturing the bijuu," the shorter one said again. "And it is considered polite to speak to each other face-to-face."

"Alright," Voldemort said, pulling off his hood. His Death Eaters did the same, and he swore to punish them later; good minions are supposed to be hidden and inscrutable, not dummies!

And his appearance, for some reason, didn't bother the pair one bit.

In fact, he could have sworn that one of them said, "Orochimaru-wannabe with no sense of art, hmmm."

In return, the pair took of their hats to reveal…

GIRLY-MEN! They were girly-men! Honestly, the short one with dark hair and funny black eyes had the face, but the taller one had to be a girl, if not for the fact that both had men's voices.

Suddenly, another, more menacing pair walked in. One of them was tall and upright and had a ginormous sword strapped to his back. The other one looked like a demented cross between a puppet, a human, and a scorpion.

"Yo, Itachi-sama," the sword-boy called. "Where've you been? We gotta go; Leader-sama has a mission for us."

"Same here, Deidara," the scorpion-thing clicked menacingly.

The blondie and the scorpion left.

"So, Itachi-sama, who's the Orochimaru-wannabe with no fashion sense?" Kisame asked cheerfully, taking his hat off. The Death Eaters winced.

That guy was the product of a rabid shark and a demented human! HE WAS BLUE! Then they noticed his sharp, sharp teeth and decided to stay away. Snape was rather reminded of the Muggle movie 'Jaws'.

"He's nobody," Itachi said monotonously, putting on his hat and looking menacing again.

"Come on, hmmm! There's a meeting!" Deidara's voice drifted in.

"Oh, if you want help," Itachi said, "Go ask Orochimaru, an ex-Akatsuki."

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Done. I hope you liked it.


	73. Voldemort Meets The Cookie

2stupid: Here is the next chapter.

Tensa-chan: It is the sequel to the previous, so please read (or reread) that one first.

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Voldie Meets The Cookie (aka. Good Help Is So Hard to Find Nowadays)

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"So… you would be Orochimaru?" Voldemort asked dubiously, since the pair standing in front of him were both wearing black hoods and cloaks.

"Of course," the taller one hissed sibilantly. The shorter one said nothing.

"I have a proposition," Voldemort said.

"We're listening," Orochimaru hissed.

"If you help me demolish a certain castle, I will provide help for whatever you need," Voldemort offered.

"Hmmm… could you spare half your Death Eaters for some… experiments?" Orochimaru hissed, pulling off his cloak to reveal…

Snake-boy!

Or rather, Snake-boy that's much more evil-looking than Voldemort!

"I'm afraid not," Voldemort said regretfully. He didn't think any of the legal villages or other nukenin would be of any help.

Suddenly, Snape snickered.

"I fail to see the humor in this situation," Orochimaru said.

"Of course not," the greasy-haired professor said. "But in the Muggle world, there is a certain type of cookie named the 'Oreo'. 'Oreo' sounds like a pet name for 'Orochimaru'. Cookies go well with fruit. Fruit is a Muggle slang term for 'homosexual'. You look homosexual. Hence the pet name 'Oreo'. It's probably due to your girlyness."

Of course, the fact that Orochimaru was wearing a kimono didn't help his 'manliness'.

The evil villains sweatdropped. Kabuto pulled off his hood.

"Actually, Sakon and Ukon are the gay ones," he said politely. Just then, a certain creepy two-headed duo walked in. Everyone took a tiny (or giant) step (or ten) away from them.

"Were you calling us, Kabuto-san, Orochimaru-sama?"

"GET YOUR LAZY GAY ASSES BACK OVER HERE, YOU FRIGGIN' FUCKTARDS!" Tayuya screamed from the other room before Orochimaru shoved them out with his super-long tongue and closed the door. If one listened at all, they could hear the blood-curdling screams coming from the other side.

"No experiments on us Death Eaters," Yaxley called. Voldemort Crucio'ed him.

"Good help is so hard to find these days," Orochimaru sighed.

"Yes, it is," Voldemort agreed.

"I'm sorry I can't help you, but I have an invasion scheduled later this month. You might want to ask Akatsuki, my former organization," Orochimaru offered before he, Kabuto, and the screams next door vanished.

"Damn," Voldemort grumbled. "Seems as if I have to do it myself."

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And we all know what happened next… the Death of Voldemort… dun dun dun.


	74. You Killed Hiruko

2stupid: New Chapter.

Tensa-chan: Such fast updates…

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You Killed Hiruko

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"Sasori no danna," a certain blond anti-pyromaniac with a love for explosive art called.

Hiruko, currently hosting the body-puppet of a certain scorpion, scuttled over.

"Let's go," he said, and the duo left behind the bodies of most of the Dark Lord's followers.

Nothing interesting happens for a while, so let's fast forward.

"Sectumsempra!" some poor sod screeched.

Crack! Hiruko broke. Most of the Death Eaters, surprised that there was no blood, failed to notice the dark, evil-looking apparition that floated up from Hiruko's back.

Deidara, however, noticed, and quickly got out of its way.

"Uh, oh," he squeaked, then gave out a girly scream and ran away. "Saaasoooriiiii!"

The poor Death Eaters looked at the apparition again. No, it was just a maroon-haired kid wearing a long black cloak and holding a long, lethal-looking weapon just like his puppets had been.

Safe.

"YOU. DAMAGED. HIRUKO." It was so quiet you could hear the screws coming loose from Sasori's head as he tried to encompass the idea.

Clink. Clink. BRRRRRRRR!

Not safe! The Death Eaters froze, then began running away from the crazy guy with the chakra-run chainsaw (go chainsaw!) who was rising out of the semi-destroyed puppet whose name the Authoress has forgotten but will call Hiruko.

The Death Eaters eventually went the same way as Deidara- no, not suicide bombing, screaming girly-ly and running away. Not that it helped them.

Hiding in the background were the protagonists of the Naruto and Harry Potter worlds. They smirked as their problems got cut in half.

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Deidara didn't stop screaming and running until he ran into Gaara and blew him up in his hurry to get out of Sasori's way, which calmed the insane mannequin down.

They then went to the Leader-sama, who was pleasantly surprised that his orders had been fulfilled so swiftly, and they began fulfilling the Akatsuki's plan of world domination, knocking Voldemort out of the running once and for all.

Now, all that's left are Sauron, the evil scientists, and the chickens…

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Voldemort cursed as he realized that he was now out of the running in the 565th Annual Race to Take Over the World.

He swore that he would win next time.

Just as soon as he found some more Death Eaters.

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Done. A bit shorter than usual, but I'm posting daily now, so if I don't post one tomorrow, I have either been stranded without access to a computer/the Internet, gone through a life-changing event, have fallen into a coma, or am dead.

But that's highly unlikely.


	75. Snakes and Sexiness

2stupid: This idea came from Chosha Kurenai.

Tensa-chan: We have not forgotten you, Aerith G.

2stupid: You are up next.

Tensa-chan: Anyways, Chosha Kurenai said, 'Oroke at the teachers - like Naruto gets off at snake and wants revenge!'

2stupid: Umm… Okay?

Tensa-chan: This is what we think you mean… (Read story below for explanation)

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Snakes and Sexiness (not a great combination)

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Naruto was not having a great day. First off, he had forgotten his all-important ramen back at home. Second of all, it was snowing outside, and ninja sandals DID NOT INSULATE VERY WELL (for all you readers who get yearly snows. But most importantly (and thirdly), a certain snakey Potions professor kept snarking (AN: I have no idea what this word means.) at him.

Snarking is such a funny word… but that's not the point of the story.

Yes, Snape was being snarky. In short, he was being a total jerk-off, teme, ahou, bitch, ho, (BLEEEP), and numerous other nice, short swear words inappropriate to this fic.

So, it was then that Naruto, Kiba, Gred, and Forge created their plan for revenge.

Suddenly, halfway through Potions class, Snape shuddered and sneezed. He didn't really want to know why…

Minor time skip for convenience.

"Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" Naruto shrieked halfway through lunch. "Oiroke no Jutsu!"

Soon, hundreds of sexy, naked ladies swarmed Snape (and the rest of the teachers), directed by one sexy, naked lady in particular.

All the men promply fainted from nosebleeds (with the exception of Snape, who was too Slytherin to do so) while lamenting the fact that Snape saw more action than they did.

All the women, on the other hand, authoress is strangled by said embarrassed witches. Tensa-chan watches in amusement

Aaaanyways, back to the story.

Snape went furious. But since there was no proof of any wrongdoing and because Naruto was in his House anyways, he did not dock points or even give detention.

Instead, he silently plotted revenge.

Secretly, everyone came to the conclusion that the Snape was gay, which was entirely incorrect because Snape had once had 'technical difficulties' every time he saw Lily Potter, nee Evans.

Ignoring a shocked and stupefied Hinata and Sakura and a Naruto and Kiba rolling on the floor laughing, Sasuke caught a tiny signal from the Potions Master and went to meet him outside.

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Naruto woke up from snuggling something long, scaly, and alive.

It was the perverted snake summon, HentaiHentai!

Naruto screamed as he nearly got raped by a snake (AN: Do not try this at home) and jumped out of bed- only to fall victim to the various nasty traps involving trip wires, grease, permanent lime green paint, hot pink hair dye, and carpenter's glue and feathers.

That day (and the day after that, and the week after that, and the month after that), Naruto went to class with violently hot pink hair, shockingly green skin, and various feathers tacked to his body. Needless to say, the first day, a lot of people thought he was an alien or victim to some strange curse.

As you might have guessed from the passage above, it took Naruto a month, a week, and two days to get rid of the odd style. And when he'd gotten back to normal, he promptly got stopped by Filch and a lot of other people (including his teachers), since everyone had gotten used to pink, green, and feathery Naruto.

Naruto planned REVENGE.

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Kiba knew what had happened to Naruto the day before and vowed not to get caught. Sadly, things weren't about to go his way.

He had taken to ensuring that his bed was impenetrable to anyone other than himself. Sadly, he forgot a few other things…

He woke up to find himself stuck on a newly-made ice tower in the middle of the lake. And worse, whenever he got out of bed, there would be a fairly annoying soprano voice singing "Rapunzel Rapunzel, let down youuur haaaaaiiiiiiiirrrrrrrr!" just ever so off key.

Kiba wondered two things: one, whether becoming clinically insane would let him kill Sasuke and a client; two, whether he would still be around come spring when the ice melted.

In the end, he had to stay in bed until the middle of March, when the ice finally melted (on midnight March 15) and dumped him straight into the lake, where he promptly got attacked by a giant squid with a taste for dog.

Kiba vowed REVENGE. (especially on stupid, oversized sushi with a penchant for throwing you around like a beach ball)

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The pranks escalated, although how the authoress cannot tell you because she ran away before she could get caught in the crossfire.

Although she does know that Sasuke won because he pulled the most magnificent prank of all; he ran away from home.

And that's the real reason Sasuke deserted Konoha.


	76. Imperio?

2stupid: This is from Aerith G.

Tensa-chan: "Do [insert ellipses Sasuke as the teacher [ insert ellipses Sharingan-ing the students seem [sic so much fun."

2stupid: Okay.

Tensa-chan: This is a lot like another chapter, we're just not sure which.

2stupid: We believe that it's the one with Kakashi as the teacher from the chapter "The Teacher from Hell".

Tensa-chan: But there's a minute chance it's not.

---------------------------------------there's a line break here, got it?----------------------------------------

Imperio?

--------------------------------------there's a line break here, got it?-----------------------------------------

Sasuke sighed as he took the mission. It was another C-Class one.

So WHY ON EARTH WAS HE OF ALL PEOPLE STUCK WITH IT?!

Oh, goody. Teach at some school in an alternate dimension for a year. Just like that D-rank he'd been forced to pull right after he'd made ANBU, acting as Iruka's assistant for the girls' first flower-arrangement lesson.

He swore he was allergic to that ragweed. Or maybe it was that angel's trumpet- some stupid girl had stuck him with hallucinogenic flowers! (AN: Angel's trumpet is a type of white flower that is also called Sacred Datura. It's mildly poisonous; the leaves will give you a rash, and the roots give you hallucinogenic dreams.)

Then his mind rewinded.

A whole year. With students.

At a school.

In another dimension.

Sasuke's mind short-circuited, but that's not important. He eventually got there

-----------------------there's a line break here, got it?--------------------------------------------------------

Sasuke stared at his first class. Okay, they looked moderately more well-behaved than the evil idiots at the Academy, and they weren't as fast, strong, or smart.

Nonetheless, he should probably be careful…

"Sharingan!"

-----------------------------there's a line break here, got it?--------------------------------------------------

"I don't really remember what happens in DADA classes anymore," Ron said.

"Neither do I," Hermione replied.

"What?"

"I think the teacher's doing something with out heads or something. It keeps us from doing certain things but lets us remember facts."

"Hypnotism!" Harry said.

"Of course!"

The three 'heroes' went off to accuse the real protagonist of hypnotizing his students, not that it was a bad thing.

---------------------------there's a line break here ,got it?----------------------------------------------------

"I'm not hypnotizing you," Sasuke said.

"Imperius Curse!" Ron screamed. And the three not-quite-hero-wannabes ran off to inform the client of the supposed 'Imperius Curse'.

Of course, Dumbledore being the smart man he is, didn't let them leak the news until the end of the school year, fired Sasuke for breach of contract (and didn't pay him), told the entire school some bs-ed story about some crazy Death Eater in disguise, got Harry into more fame, and came out on top.

As for Sasuke, he got his revenge when he snapped Dumbledore's neck at the end of Harry's sixth year after Snape had thrown the manipulator out the tower.

And no one realized they had never been Sharingan'ed. They all thought it was the Imperius Curse.

------------------------------there's a line break here, got it?-------------------------------------------------

Done! Last chapter for a while, sorry it's not so funny, I had trouble with the plot, which is why this took so long to update, and I'm dealing with SCHOOLWORK! Dun dun dun!

Never take AP courses unless you want to burn out in high school.


	77. Raw Men

2stupid: Here is the next chapter. We were working on this, but then we lost the only copy of it. Gomen! Also, Tensa-chan is taking a leave of absence (aka. her part of the authoress's personality is slowly vanishing), and thus I have to finish the fics she's left behind (her pen-name is 'Tensa-chan').

Don't worry, though; a new personality is surfacing to take over Tensa-chan's account! Unfortunately, this one's a bit more villainous and disturbing. I don't even know this one's name or gender yet!

And I'm working on bringing Tensa back. Maybe we can become a trinity? (voice in back of head: NO WAY!)

This chapter is dedicated to Luna14, my friend even though we're a continent apart.

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Raw Men?

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Naruto stared at the barkeep.

What food? Ramen, of course! The food of the gods!

"RAMEN!"

The bartender looked at him nervously. Of course, looking at a masked assassin wearing more sharp, pointy objects than was normal scream something while pumping his fist in the air was just a liiiittle bit… disturbing.

"Raw… men?" Tom croaked out. Behind the black-clad figure, the bar swiftly cleared of anyone with a Y-chromosome. (Despite the fact that at least one of them had two X-chromosomes as well.)

"NO! Ramen! The food of the gods!"

"Isn't that supposed to be ambrosia?" Hermione wondered.

"No idea what ambrosia is," Naruto deadpanned. "It's probably not as good as ramen, though."

"Ugh. Who in their right mind eats raw men?" Ron (the only 'boy' left because he's just that stupid) asked, disgusted.

A sudden wave of killing intent washed over them like a tsunami.

"Oh… right," Ron muttered. "I forgot."

"Well, the only raw man left in this bar is me," Tom said bravely, anime tears streaming down his face and flooding the establishment. "I suppose you will have to eat me."

"Eeeew!" Naruto squealed. "That's gross! I don't want raw man, I want ramen!"

"Is it possible that you might not be inquiring about living homo sapiens sapiens but about an exotic dish?" Hermione mused.

"Yes!" Naruto cried. "Actually, I'm also looking for this guy named Harry Potter, but right now I want a bowl of ramen."

"Please explain the dish," Tom said politely. "I'm sure I can make it up to you."

"Ramen. R. A. M. E. N. It is a dish of noodles in some kind of broth," Naruto launched into a five-hour dissertation on the various intricacies of ramen.

"Okay?"

"We get it," Hermione said. "The last four hours, fifty eight minutes, twelve seconds, and two milliseconds were unnecessary, however."

"…Okay. You should have said that earlier, though," Naruto pointed out. Everyone sweatdropped.

"On the other hand, we received lots of fascinating information on a foreign dish called ramen," Tom said, bustling away to make some.

"Open up!" A voice called from the back. "Aurors here, checking up on a possible cannibal-homicide case!"

"It was a misunderstanding," Hermione called back. "He really wanted ramen."

"Raw me-! Holy shit mother fu- Auror team one is entering! All persons please raise their hands over their heads!"

And with that, a lot of flashes and bangs echoed in the common room of the Leaky Cauldron.

After that, a rather sizzled-looking group of magic-users and one pristine maskman stood in the rather charred, battered interior of the Leaky Cauldron.

"You could have told us 'ramen' was some kind of exotic food," the head Auror grumbled.

"There goes your promotion, Dawlish," a female Auror joked, attempting to tame her frazzled hair into something more presentable.

"Quiet, Tonks," Dawlish snapped. Tonks snorted.

"You didn't give any time for an explanation," a deeper, accentless voice belonging to someone black-haired echoed behind him. "And besides, the dobe over there is too stupid to realize that himself."

"NANI?!" the blond screamed indignantly, waving his fist around as the previous scene repeated itself.

A lot of flashes and bangs later, a rather sizzled-looking group of magic users and two pristine maskman stood in the rather charred, battered interior of the Leaky Cauldron.

"Geez, be careful where you aim," a third figure, hanging upside down from the rafters by the soles of her feet (for this one was definitely female), grumbled, smoothing down (up?) her pink hair. Wait. Pink hair?

Dawlish, of course, panicked once more but this time managed to give himself only a heart attack. As he was carted off to St. Mungo's for treatment and a demotion, a sizzled-looking group of magic-users, two maskmen, and one maskwoman sat down and took a break. And then they were promptly remonstrated by the proprietor for causing a mess.

As Tom oversaw the Aurors' cleaning and repairing the damage done to his inn, the blond inhaled a big bowl of noodle soup without ever taking his mask off and his two partners sat in annoyed commiseration.

"You're an idiot, did you know that?" the pink one asked.

"Well, at least I didn't order- mmmpfh!" A pair of hands clamped down over his mask in the general vicinity of his mouth.

"Urusai!"

"Shannaro!"

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Done! Three pages this time… not all that short, but not too long, either.

POLL: Who wants me to do a cohesive crossover with a plot? Vote no, comic plot, or serious (ass-kickin') plot. I have ideas for both the latter but only time to do one.

Also, this fic will decisively end at 101 chapters. After the last one, there will be no more reason for any others because- well, you'll just have to see. Still got a looooong way to go, though!

Ja ne, and a Happy Solar New Year! (fellow lunar calendarees, we have a ways to go yet)


	78. Blissfully Insane

2stupid: Another fic.

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Blissfully Insane

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Uchiha Itachi wondered what force of nature had gotten him stuck inside some crazy room with spinning walls (he could feel no wind that would occur if the floor were spinning…the walls, either). Oops, sorry. They weren't spinning walls. That was a genjutsu.

And why was everyone staring at him once he fell out of that veiled arch-thingie?

"Obliviate!" someone yelled randomly. Itachi's memories floated away on a gentle breeze, watching the rest of the people with sticks berate their fellow for using what they called "the worst spell ever."

Of course, amnesiac Itachi was scary, too.

"POCKY!"

"Mine!" Tonks screamed, attempting to get the away from the crazily armed thirteen-year-old wearing strange clothing, armor, and weapons and a pocky-hungry look on his face.

"What have you done?!" lamented Dumbledore. "Now we shall never know what lies beyond the curtain!"

"Uchiha Itachi?" Hoshigaki Kisame and Orochimaru, the representatives of the recruiting group Akatsuki, walked through the portal, clear as day. "Are you sure you tracked the right guy? This one looks like an average civilian kid. And he's snacking on pocky. In public. Not in disguise. And ignoring the people staring at him."

"He's wearing the uniform, though," Kisame said. "Maybe he fell prey to some weird genjutsu?"

"Can I experiment on him, then?"

"Hell no."

Amnesiac-Itachi walked over and poked Kisame, who simply stood there and looked long suffering. And poked him again. And again. And-

"Aaargh, stop it, you little jerk!" Kisame reached out to forcibly remove the child mass murderer from his person, despite the fact that a six-foot-three blue sharkman grabbing a child half his age by the head and grinning toothily (revealing sharpened fangs) probably wasn't good for his public image.

But then, who knew what Hoshigaki Kisame thought?

"MANGEKYOU SHARINGAN!"

"Waaargh! Gurgle, gurgle."

"That's what you get for picking on a poor defenseless kid like me!" Itachi screamed, kicking Kisame's "family jewels".

Orochimaru simply looked on, amused, and began menally listing the physiological things that could cause an unconscious fish-man to _gurgle_.

And then he wondered just how the Uchiha prodigy managed to perform an S-class kinjutsu involving a secretive bloodline only a few could grasp.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I remember EVERYTHING! COWER AT MY FEET AS I-EEK!"

Uchiha Itachi tripped over Samehada, which promptly shaved off a large chunk of his leg and chakra, and calmed down.

And then his leg regrew, but that's a specific Uchiha characteristic we're not particularly interested in right now. (It's also why the pics of the Uchiha clan don't show crazy-scarred battle vets.)

"Uchiha Itachi," Orochimaru said, wondering why Kisame had to leave him with the recruiting pitch. "The Akatsuki is recruiting you. If you can defeat me-"

Itachi pointed to the unconscious Kisame.

"Umm, right. Anyways, you don't really have a choice, but at least I won't try to dissect your Sharingan- physically, that is."

Itachi made a mental note never to activate his Sharingan whenever Orochimaru was doing something gross. The stupid mad-scientist-immortality-obsessed snake-like nukenin.

Damn.

The Order (and the Death Eaters) stared in shock as a woman with blue hair walked out and whispered something in the Uchiha's ear.

"Okay. I'll join then," Itachi said, surprising every non-shinobi in hearing range and some who weren't.

"Oh, and before we forget," Konan made a gesture; a pair of puppets and a mobile tank (aka. Sasori) walked out from behind the veil, dragging Sirius's Stunned body along.

"Keep him. He smells like a dog and probably has similar manners."

Everyone stared.

And the Akatsuki walked right back through the veil.

"Why do I feel like I got shoved into another dimension, poked by a guy in a black cloak with red clouds and weird hat, dragged around by a pair of animated, life-size puppets, and then dropped several feet down a staircase leading from a dais?" Sirius asked, sitting up.

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Hai! Fast(er) update! Two and a half pages this time.

Next up, I'll digest Chosha Kurenai's (sorry for making you wait so long) ideas.

I think.

Review so I'll have incentive to continue! (aka. faster updates)


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